Since recovering from the shock I experienced immediately following the release of epinions beta, I have felt very little inclination to check in with a site that had become a very important part of my life from the time I discovered it (December 1st, 2000) until the day it was closed for some extraordinarily misguided repairs (January 10th, 2001).

I was in the habit of writing a review a day there for a while, using epinions as a sort of public journal in which I was able simultaneously to hone my writing skills and to take a rather sadistic pleasure in imposing my idiosyncratic anti-wisdom upon unsuspecting masses of web surfers.

I was so thoroughly addicted, in fact, that I continued to write reviews even while the site was down. Although I had signed up to be alerted (via email) as soon as the site was up and running again, I couldn't resist the impulse to check on the site to see how the e-construction was going at least once a day. That little yellow face wearing the construction hat became one of my enemies, and even stalked me through some of my dreams.

As soon as the site was up again, I eagerly posted the reviews that I had written during the downtime. I had missed epinions quite a lot, and was looking forward to seeing what some of my favorite writers on the site would have to say about my latest work. I was also looking forward to reading anything that they had produced during the break and to gorging on what had once been merely a steady diet of their reviews.

But no one had anything to say about my latest reviews. They couldn't say anything at first because the comments feature had been disabled. And when it was restored, they found it hard to motivate themselves to comment because it seemed that their best comments were always too long and had to be pared down to near meaninglessness.

I have tried to get back into a rhythm of commenting on the contributions of my favorite writers, but find that in order to deliver the kind of praise that some reviews really deserve, I have to post multiple comments or run words together or just cut and paste the whole thing to an email message that makes me look like some kind of freakish cyber-stalker.

For me, as for so many others, the thrill is gone. Since posting those reviews that I wrote during the downtime, I have been reluctant to contribute, to read, to rate, or to interact with the site for more than a few minutes at a time. I'm trying to coax my addiction back up to its old form, but can't help suspecting that the only reason epinions wants me to stick around is to click from screen to screen and provide some kind of evidence that their service is delivering X number of ad banner views/hour.

I feel as if I've been gulled by a vanity press--and the very worst kind of vanity press that there is, the kind that publishes the idiotic contributions of absolutely anyone who regards a predictable permutation of the title of Dude, Where's My Car? as sufficient reason to write a review in which the film is proven unequivocally to be "funny if you like that sort of thing."

My addiction to epinions has transformed itself so nearly into an aversion that my only contributions to the site have been contributions to write-offs that I agreed to participate in before epinions beta was released. I like the idea of participating in write-offs if only because it seems like the sort of thing that would annoy Nirav Tolia and the host of decision-makers at epinions who have decided to crush the illusion that thoughtful contributions to the site were genuinely appreciated.

Where was the harm in letting me believe that the writers who took the time to figure out what they wanted to say and to make sure that they delivered their messages in complete sentences were essentially more valuable to the site than the Beavises who just wanted to login to mention that Nintendo sux and Playstation rox? Perhaps my illusion wasn't well founded to begin with, but it was important to me. And I don't see why it was so crucial to Tolia and company to crush it. Surely they'll attract more users to the site if they allow us to believe that our opinions really do matter.

Still, I cannot tear myself away from epinions. I return to the site like a dog to its vomit (thanks Sordid-1 for merging Biblical rhetoric with epinions-induced malaise) because of the genuine pleasure I derive from the postings of those who really do try to make their reviews special. It is somehow appropriate that the host of this write-off, elerad, has decided to make his w/o contribution the last review that he will post to epinions. It is appropriate for us to acknowledge that there really are some special, talented people associated with a site that doesn't seem to be interested in doing anything but driving them away.

Since I can't say whether I have given up on epinions just yet or not, I won't call this epinion my swan song. What I will say is that the many hours I've spent at the site have been more than amply rewarded by the extraordinary productions of some extremely gifted writers.

I give you my list:

#10
Mangiotto "The Top Ten Reviews that Mangiotto's Read on Epinions"
http://www.epinions.com/content_7677447812
I almost didn't contribute to this write-off for a number of reasons. Most importantly, elerad (the host) doesn't even know who I am. I was invited through another of the participants as a sort of after-thought. And I almost decided not to accept the invitation, since I'm an unknown quantity to most of the writers invited to participate. Once I accepted the invitation, though, I almost begged off because epinions made it so difficult for this write off to take place (by not allocating a category for it). I was already irritated with the changes at epinions and generally uninterested in making further contributions to the site. The fact that I would have to figure out how to deliver praise (deserved by the writers, but completely undeserved by the site) was almost more than I cared to contend with.

Then I read Mangiotto's absolutely inspired contribution to this thread. He had figured out how to praise those who deserved praise and how to shake his fist in the proper direction and how to make his write-off contribution actually belong to a category. In fact, I should probably have opened this review by sending the reader to Mangiotto's marvelous piece, since there's really nothing here that isn't shamelessly and tediously derived from his brilliant contribution to a write-off that might very well have been better off without my inferior and derivative contribution. All hail the great Walter.

#9
Sordid-1 "Dubya's Christmas List"
http://www.epinions.com/gift-review-2963-37726C4E-3A143132-prod6
This is easily the best piece I have ever read on epinions. I rate it ninth here only because everyone seems to know who Sordid-1 is and how consistently and remarkably gifted he is at producing hilarious reviews. I'm listing these reviews not in the order of their relative greatness, but on a reversed scale of exposure. That is, I rate the reviews of writers who are underexposed (in my opinion) higher than the reviews of writers who are already well established in the epinions community. If anything, I think this write-off could help to bring exposure to some of the lesser known (but more deserving) writers on the site. (I hope that's a sufficient explanation of why I do not even list anything by Grouch, who is probably the essence of what is great about epinions, but whose reviews are so well known and so consistent that there just doesn't seem to be any point in calling special attention to one of them in particular.)

In any case, I do not mean to take anything away from Sordid-1's brilliance by saying that he is well known. He is well known because he is a pleasure to read. I singled out "Dubya's Christmas List" because, as I read it, I genuinely felt that I was reading The New Yorker online. Sordid-1's list of five gifts that our new president would like for Christmas handles itself with a comedic self-assurance that makes me wonder why there are so many awful sitcoms on television when there's apparently a guy somewhere "down in the boondocks" whose ordinary thought processes are worlds funnier than any of the antics of Chandler and Monica or Dharma and what's-his-name.

#8
kboo "I'm Waiting for Video Slots in the Seat Backs"
http://www.epinions.com/trvl-review-28B2-B7683D6-3A386C7B-prod1
Just so I don't have to keep repeating myself, I'm choosing particular reviews by my favorite writers just to abide by the rules established by elerad. Everything kboo writes is delicious (usually literally, since she concentrates on food). But since I have an especially soft spot for humor (despite the drearily petulant attitude of the review I'm writing now), I guess "I'm Waiting for Video Slots in the Seat Backs" is my favorite piece by kboo. Although she is an advisor in the restaurants category, I'm sure it won't be long before she's advising in the travel category as well. No doubt you'll agree after seeing her hilarious treatment of how National Airlines done her wrong.

#8
Mordred "Nads: Good for Women, Not So Good for Men"
http://www.epinions.com/well-review-790F-4981214C-3A563960-prod3
Because of his many thoughtful contributions to the category, Mordred is well known as an advisor in music. But I think epinions should institute a new policy whereby it becomes possible to become an advisor in a category based on a single, particularly brilliant posting. I hereby move that Mordred be declared king of all things related to health and beauty on the basis of this hilarious treatment of Nads No-Heat Hair Removal Gel.

#7
Pluckyduck "The Egg Wave--The Yolk's On Me"
http://www.epinions.com/hmgd-review-B28-2F6DCA20-3A5294CE-prod2
Like Mordred's Nads piece, this review is really less a discussion of a product than an insightful and humorous glimpse into human life based loosely around a product. It has everything I look for in a review: humor, humor, and more humor. Andrea knows she was wrong to buy the Egg Wave, and takes a ridiculous amount of self-deprecating pleasure in explaining just how wrong she was.

#6
kellydeal "Booty Vs. Brains"
http://www.epinions.com/webs-review-2C62-19EFFE4C-3A3EEAB0-prod4
I remember reading a very good review offering advice to epinions newbies about things to avoid when writing a review. The writer said that one thing epinions definitely did not need was another review of amihotornot.com. He was right; we don't need another review of that site . . . because we already have kellydeal's.

#5
mptang "Who Are YOU"
http://www.epinions.com/user-review-521-964D1B1-3A332081-prod1
Ms. Tang used to be everywhere, commenting brilliantly (and always encouragingly) on virtually everything she read. Epinions beta seems to have killed her impulse to comment, which is a great loss to the community. We can only hope that it will not ultimately kill her desire to contribute. I've singled out this review of hers not because it's her best (see "Don't Shoot Officer, It's Only the Hump" for what I think is her best), but because it was provocative of so much discussion amongst so many people. Tang's reviews are always deluged with comments that make for reading that is even more bizarre than her introspective and digressive (and absolutely luscious) prose.

#4
Pantagrapher "Hey Guys, Is There Something on My Back?"
http://www.epinions.com/user-review-3372-2ABF5566-39985F67-prod5
In this sidesplittingly funny review, Mike scrutinizes the meaning of epinions' now abandoned "Most Popular Reviewer" designation. It is funny in precisely the same way that everything he writes is funny, and will be incredibly useful to the historians who will someday attempt to understand the kind of playful attitude that was characteristic of the old epinions.

#3
nathsmom "Epinions Talented Elite: Ruining Things for the Rest of Us"
http://www.epinions.com/user-review-3B9C-80D247A-39BA4CDD-prod1
I didn't want to provide a link to one of nathsmom's reviews. I wanted to provide a link to her profile page, which used to be the funniest thing on the entire epinions site. I have no idea what happened to it. Perhaps too many people had taken to calling her "tiger" or "hotshot." Or maybe she just didn't feel up to making good on her promise of leaving such "zinger" comments as "Take your Ritalin, freak." If the loss of that marvellous profile page was yet another negative consequence of the changes incorporated by epinions beta, well then I think we all need to hang our heads in shame and abandon the site en masse. As for "Epinions Talented Elite," it's a hilariously sarcastic little piece that puts me in mind of Swift's "A Modest Proposal." But don't go read it just yet. Once you've started reading nathsmom, you won't be able to stop. Besides, we're almost done here.

#2
eplovejoy "Bringing Up Baby Is a Surprisingly Awful Classic"
http://www.epinions.com/mvie-review-7E7E-31D8126C-3A58C3AC-prod2
Why doesn't eplovejoy just wise up and join one of those click-trading circles, the way epinions wishes we all would? Here is an extraordinarily gifted film reviewer who has written some of the most perceptive movie reviews that I have ever encountered in any medium, but somehow has fewer than 1,000 hits after contributing 46 brilliant reviews in just over a month. His piece on Bringing Up Baby, a perennial favorite of screwball comedy lovers, is a blissfully funny and yet blisteringly excoriating attack on a film that he alone appears to see as overrated. It just so happens that I agree with him about the film, but I never would have had the courage to write such a negative review. Now that I've read it, however, I've virtually committed it to memory. I no longer have to pretend to like that movie; I can quote Peter and know that I will sound incredibly clever as I deliver an incredibly unpopular opinion.

#1
sundogg99 "Parasailing in Puerto Vallarta"
http://www.epinions.com/trvl-review-6EC0-17973003-3A158D89-prod2
Sundogg99 was the first person I ever put on my WOT, a decision about which I remain rather proud. He hasn't attracted a very high number of readers in his 4 months at epinions, but that's because he doesn't bother cultivating an audience. He's too busy writing reviews that are clever and funny and leaving comments that are even cleverer and funnier.

Apart from being the first person on my WOT, he's also the first to tell me when I'm being long-winded. I have saved him for last so that I can spitefully cut this tribute to him after he tells me that this review is the longest and most consistently unfunny thing I've ever contributed to epinions. Don't worry, Steve, it's just me trying to be a team player. The new epinions is all about being boring an unfunny, and I'm sure I can become a master in both categories in no time. Still, since I do think there should be at least one smile in every review, I will leave my readers with this snippet from sundogg99's review of parasailing in Puerto Vallarta:

"The closest I’ve come to a mishap was when I accidentally almost sorta kinda ooopsie-daisy nearly landed on a woman who was sunbathing near the designated parasail landing area. All that happened was that we got momentarily and minimally tangled up -- not the clean, flawless landing that virtually everyone else experiences. And I have to confess: the look of growing disbelief on her face as I descended upon her was pretty much worth it."


For other reviews that will actually be a pleasure to read--reviews that will stress entertaining over complaining--check out the contributions to this write-off made by the following excellent epinioneers:

Shadow8 - Donlee Brussel – Psychovant - Mike Bracken – Teykaerts - Lars Lindahl - Janesbit1 – Furie – JMARJANCIK – Brundledan – Kboo – Elerad – Iculookn –Epicure – Sloucho - Sparkfan77 - Sfoster79 - John_G








Recommended: Yes