Societal Faults Inaccurately Attributed to NIKEŽ Swoosh Crew Socks British Pop Singer to Blame
Written: Nov 21 '02 (Updated Jan 26 '04)
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Product Rating:
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Pros: Foot covering, pee-pee sheath, or talking puppet? You be the judge!
Cons: My love for these stunningly attractive stockings prevent me from having my penis lopped off.
The Bottom Line: The blatant misinterpretation of well intentioned Elton John song lyrics has further empowered patriarchal societys repression of women especially as it pertains to socks.
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| Sordid-1's Full Review: Nike NIKE® Swoosh Crew Socks |
I was one as you were one
And we were two so much in love forever
I loved the white socks that you wore
But you don't wear white socks no more, now you're a woman.
- “First Episode at Hienton” – Elton John
Someday, I would like to be a woman. I would like to pee sitting down and experience the thrill of hearing construction workers shower me with whistles and catcalls as I walk by them, feigning embarrassment as my hips sway to and fro drawing attention to the pleasing contour of my firm, ripe buttocks. However, according to Elton John, this choice of gender (female) would preclude the wearing of white socks, and, to be quite honest, I don’t need such restraints at this point in my life. I’m always eager to try something different, to make little changes to my appearance and lifestyle in order to rejuvenate myself, to invigorate my senses, to experience something from a fresh, exotic perspective. However, as appealing as it would be to have my pee-pee lopped off with a surgeon’s scalpel (not to mention my testicles!) and replaced with, you know, whatever it is that a girl has down there, it is a change that I am not willing to make. It is a change I shall never make until society wakes up from its oblivious slumber, lifts its veil of prejudice, and changes its patriarchal fascist view regarding standards of femininity, realizing, once and for all, that the measure of a woman extends above her ankles, and understands that a woman can still be a woman (a REAL woman, the type of woman I aspire to be) even if her feet are enveloped in a comfy shield of white cotton. I think that’s what Elton John was trying to say – true freedom can be achieved only when women are allowed to wear white socks – in absence of scorn, in absence of ridicule – just frolicking about, spirited and free, wearing white socks and enjoying life.
That is the type of world I would like to live in, and the type of socks I would like to live in are NIKEŽ Swoosh Logo Crew Socks! As previously mentioned, I may be willing to give up my dangly man parts, but it will take much more than a trip to Sweden and an appointment with Dr. Peepeelopper to part this man from his NIKEŽ Swoosh Logo Crew Socks. I should point out that my personal preference is to wear my NIKEŽ Swoosh Logo Crew Socks on my feet (both of them), but that does not mean that these stylish and versatile socks are merely limited to that function. An alternative rock band, the Red Hot Chili Peppers, have added spice and flair to their stage show by performing in front of sell-out stadium crowds wearing nothing but NIKEŽ Swoosh Logo Crew Socks strategically placed over their pee-pees (unlopped). I am not sure if this is part of Elton John’s repertoire or not. I do know, though, that he once worked his piano magic garishly adorned in a Donald Duck outfit. There would really be no way to ascertain with any degree of certainty what was going on underneath the duck suit without ruffling a few feathers, but he does play the piano very well.
Additionally, Mike Lee Davis, the drummer for Philadelphia-area rock band Salty Dog, is a firm supporter of cotton socks, though he laments that they “have limited intelligence” and “almost never talk at all.” Contradicting Davis, though, is Arkansan guitarist Ethan Nobles who handcrafts puppets from his NIKEŽ Swoosh Logo Crew Socks and claims that “talking socks are funny.” It is difficult to surmise the truth in the face of such disparate claims, but I tend to think Davis paints a more accurate picture. I have never personally seen socks talk much at all, and Nobles’ credibility is suspect since most residents of Arkansas run around barefoot and sniff burlap with great frequency. Elton John could not be reached for comment.
Although professional musicians tend to confuse the issue with their audacious claims of talking socks and free-spirited willingness to use white socks in an unorthodox manner, NIKEŽ Swoosh Logo Crew Socks are much more than a source of controversy and conflict - they are also premium foot coverings. The masterfully-crafted, superior quality, woven cotton slides smoothly and pleasingly against my skin, leaving no visible bruises or abrasions, and my feet are easily inserted into these cleverly designed socks – largely due to the perfectly located aperture placed near the top of each NIKEŽ Swoosh Logo Crew Sock. Inferior sock manufacturers could sew the socks totally shut, but NIKEŽ anticipated the need for apertures roughly equivalent to the width of a human foot, and had the foresight to engineer their socks to accommodate that need. I am also sure that, technically, the NIKEŽ Swoosh Logo Crew Sock could just as easily house a female foot of the sort that you might find located near the bottom of a woman. But until our repressive society progresses to the point that there is no stigma attached to a white-stockinged woman, we can never be sure. I blame this on Elton John. I realize he is well intentioned and most likely a decent man. He has, after all, been knighted by Queen Elizabeth herself. But, unwittingly or not, that damned “First Episode At Heinton” song has set the cause of feminism back years, limited women’s fashion options, and prevented me from releasing the beautiful woman within.
Other features of the NIKEŽ Swoosh Logo Crew Socks include:
*HEELS – The NIKEŽ Swoosh Logo Crew Socks include shaped heels which effectively prevent even the most slavering idiot from wearing the socks upside down.
*LENGTH – When worn correctly, the top of the NIKEŽ Swoosh Logo Crew Socks extend to just above the ankle. Those people who believe that tube socks extend too far up the leg and that footsies leave the ankle too exposed and vulnerable should be very pleased with the length of the NIKEŽ Swoosh Logo Crew Socks. Very pleased indeed!
*COMFORT – One would expect nothing short of the very pinnacle of comfort when purchasing crew socks from a brand as respected and well-established as NIKEŽ, and let me tell you, do they ever deliver!
*DURABILITY – Though I take the greatest of care with my NIKEŽ Swoosh Logo Crew Socks (washing them only by hand in the sink using softened water and a mild detergent), their reinforced heels and toes coupled with their rugged, durable design surely make these the toughest crew socks on the market today!
*COLOR – The NIKEŽ Swoosh Logo Crew Socks are white in color. It seems a very vibrant white, appealing to the eye, and considerably less bland than the color you might see in other white objects such as snowflakes or cows. Theirs is an inferior color, and is not nearly as stunning as the spectacular, gorgeous white that can be observed in the NIKEŽ Swoosh Logo Crew Socks. It should be noted that though the NIKEŽ Swoosh Logo Crew Socks are not high-maintenance garments, special care should be taken not to splash paint on them or wash them in the same load as red shop rags. Such activities could adversely affect your NIKEŽ Swoosh Logo Crew Socks and alter the nature of their whiteness which is really quite beautiful.
*LOGO – The NIKEŽ Swoosh Logo Crew Socks are decorated with the simple, elegant NIKEŽ Swoosh Logo. The NIKEŽ Swoosh Logo is knit-in to each sock (one NIKEŽ Swoosh Logo per sock), and the NIKEŽ Swoosh Logo’s apex is located approximately two centimeters from the top of the crew sock near where the foot enters the garment.
It should be clear that I am very much in favor of NIKEŽ Swoosh Logo Crew Socks and shall continue to wear them even at the cost of being denied the opportunity to have my pee-pee lopped off and becoming the subject of an Elton John ballad. I have resigned myself to the harsh reality that the contemptuous society we are a part of will most likely never allow a woman to freely wear white socks without fear of societal rejection. But that doesn’t stop me from rebelling. Sometimes, late at night when nobody is looking, I stealthily tuck my penis in between my legs and prance around in front of a full-length mirror pretending that I am a woman; and, rest assured, when I do so, I do so wearing nothing but my NIKEŽ Swoosh Crew Socks and an unwavering grin of bold defiance.
Recommended:
Yes
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Sordid-1
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Member: Jeffy
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You wouldn't notice a muddy elephant in the snow, would ya?
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