Dear Donlee,

Hey, I know you're a busy man, being a sexy Chinaman and all. I bet you have to beat off them little chickies with a stick. My only companion is a bottle of whiskey I keep in my desk, right next to a pack of razor blades which I use to carve your name into my arm. It reads: DONLEE SEXY CHINAMAN.

If I had a girlfriend, I’d make her pregnant and have a boy and name it after you. I'd name it Donlee JK. That'd be cool.

Donlee, I wanted to say thank you for posting your Get Laid Write-Off, which almost helped me get laid. The girl spilled a quart of vodka over my head, but it was a good sign, don't you think? She must have known I was too hot for her to handle, so she tried to cool me down. Aaaaahhhhh.

I respect what you done to that Blurb Queen, putting her picture on your page all those months back so the rest of us could see how hot she was. I know this was in anticipation of your Get Laid Write-Off. You're my hero, brother.

Anyways, gotta go. I love you, man. You're my number one superstar.

Your pal,
Zenny

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Dear Donlee,

Why didn't you write me back already? 'S alright, I know you're probably busy. I mean, you already read my first letter. Why haven't I heard from you? Is everything okay?

Don't let them bozos scare you off You know, those bozos who failed to represent. They say you're a moving violation, a freekazoid, the car wreck of epinions, and I say YES - YOU ARE ALL THOSE THINGS. Embrace it. Bathe in it. Be the ball. BE - THE - BALL.

Donlee - whenever I eat them brussel sprouts, I always hated them until I realized, "Hey' Donlee's last name is Brussel, just like the Sprouts!" You'll be pleased to hear those are now my favorite form of vegetation. Thanks, man.

So when we gonna get together, bro? I have big plans to act out some scenes from Cronenberg's Crash or Videodrome. Let's see how much of a movie expert you are, sassy. Let's see what you can advise me on.

Your magic realism has made me a better man.

Your brother man in the netherlands,
Zenny Bo-Bo

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Dear Donlee -

I HAVEN'T HEARD FROM YOU, MAN - AND IT'S STARTING TO MAKE ME MAD.

OK, not really. It's just - just - I've put so much time and thought into these letters, man. Please say you share some feelings for me. Please. Please.

I write this not to appease the Donlee, but to please the Donlee.

You're a rebel, man. Let me hear your Rebel Yell!!!

No more write-off's. No more nothing. No more of this epinions back patting or circle squatting. All those so-called friends are on my list, the list of Zentropa the Messenger, and believe you me there ain't gonna be nothing left of them for the UFO when I'm through. They turned their back on you, but I love you. I love you, Mr. Donlee.

They didn't mention you, but I have. I want you to bear my children, Donlee. I don't need no woman, I need a God.

You're my own private Chinaman - you are more than your race, you are the rainbow. Let me be your pot of gold. LONG LIVE CHINA! LONG LIVE THE CHINESE REVOLUTIONARY FRONT!

Write me back or I will not be held responsible for what I do.

Zenny Tropa Jay Kay

* * *

Dear Mr. I'm Too Cool To Write Back My Fans:

"You really did a number on me, Kim! How could you let him sleep in our bed?" - Eminem

Wrong song, but you get the idea. We could have been something. We could have been something. Instead, I'm writing this from a laptop deleting all my movie reviews cuz you didn't write me one lousy letter. I drank a fifth of petrol and am heading for the Plissken Bridge.

All because you never wrote me, you never mentioned me in your critical slams of my esteemed colleagues on epinions. My fate is on YOUR head, Sexy Chinaman. I'm a nuclear bomb and you're the hammer which has hit me off. I hope you're satisfied. I hope you're...I...I...

MY LIFE FOR YOU!
MY LIFE FOR YOU!
MY LIFE FOR YOU!
VIVA LA CHINA!

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*thud*

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Dear Zenny,

All this time you were stalking me? I'm so touched. Be My Valentine. Be My Victim. Let’s talk.

Your number one Chinaman,
Donlee

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