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How Can I Resist?Feb 08 '01 Write an essay on this topic.The Bottom Line Apparently disgruntled epinions employees are more creative (and less violent) than disgruntled postal workers. Before these bizarre categories (presumably added by disgruntled epinions employees in the wake of major lay-offs) are closed to further contributions, I think it is imperative that we share what wisdom we have with regard to them. #1: I find that the most important thing about choosing socks is to wait until I'm out of the shower. I used to think that it would save time for me to pick out my wardrobe for the day while I was in the shower, but I found that whenever I brought my sock drawer into the shower with me, I would end up having to blow dry my socks as well as my hair. IMPORTANT Although this seems like a digression, it is very important to remember that even if choosing your socks in the shower does not save time, blow drying your hair in the shower certainly does. If you accidentally take your sock drawer into the shower tomorrow morning, don't despair. Just be sure to put your blow dryer and the wet socks on the bottom of the tub so that the socks can be drying while you lather away. #2: Make sure, when choosing socks, to choose from your own selection, however limited it may be. People are not as reasonable (or as caring) as they used to be. I remember in the old days when the neighbor woman on Bewitched always felt comfortable coming over to ask Samantha for a cup of sugar. I took this lesson to heart and got into the practice of wandering into my next-door neighbor's house after my shower (wearing a towel, of course--I'm not rude) and borrowing his socks. My neighbor had feet that did not stink like mine do. I can only wear a pair of socks once before they have to be washed, but my neighbor could wear socks three or four days in a row before his socks began to stink. So it usually didn't bother him when I raided his dirty laundry for socks that he had only worn once or twice. At least he never said anything. He just looked at me in a silent way that I construed to mean, "Help yourself to my dirty socks." But then he moved away. I tried the same thing with the next neighbor, but Bewitched had been cancelled, and he did not know that sharing dirty socks was the proper neighborly thing to do. He even went so far as to say mean things to me. #3 Only buy two kinds of socks, white ankle socks for play and full-length black socks for work. If you buy a whole bunch of different kinds of socks, you will have to keep the pairs straight, which, let's face it, is impossible. Remember the old Mensa riddle: If you have one pair of gray socks, one pair of brown socks, one pair of argyle socks, and one pair of white socks in the sock drawer that you've brought into the shower, how many socks do you have to remove from your sock drawer in order to be certain that you'll have a matching pair after your bathroom light goes out as a result of the power outages that uncannily coincide with your attempts to blow dry your hair in the shower? The answer: More than if you just had two kinds of socks, believe me. #4: Socks make excellent gifts. But you don't have to pay for them if you just do a little thinking ahead of time. Go out of your way to befriend one-legged people. Then let your coworkers know that you would like them to bring you any socks they have whose mates have disappeared. They'll be happy to know that their socks are fulfilling the sacred duty of foot-coverage. #5: Always remember that socks are creatures of extremely limited intelligence. For instance, they cannot be relied upon to tell you that your blow drier is on fire. In fact, they almost never talk at all. When you go to the store to pick out your socks, you will have to figure out all by yourself which ones were meant for you. Socks are aloof creatures--more like cats than dogs. They will not dance around in their packages and try to get your attention so that they can look in your eyes in an effort to convince you to take them home before their week at the store expires and they are put down. They act as if they have no fear of death whatsoever. It is all a ruse, of course--but endearing in its way. Even the most expensive socks will not remind you of the chores that you have for the day. And truth be told, I find that the more I pay for a pair of socks, the more inbred they are--and the more likely they are to suffer from hip dysplasia after two or three years. Stick to the cheaper socks, the mutts. Although no sock has very much personality, the inexpensive cotton ones are generally the easiest to get along with. And I have never encountered a cheap cotton sock that urged me to murder a postal worker, as my neighbor's woolen socks so often did. Thank you for your attention. I hope you have fun choosing your next pair of socks.  |
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