Oh, how my Stepfordized condo sparkles! I thought it was clean before my employer "downsized" me out of a job, but now, since I have nothing to do but clean, cook, arrange flowers and then clean some more, I realize that there's always room for improvement. Each and every one of you should now walk into your bathroom, and look at the floor between the back of the toilet and the wall. I'll wait.

You missed a spot, didn't you?

We never miss a spot here in Stepford.

There is certain Zen-like peace that one achieves when one realizes that dirt is the enemy. And the wonderful folks at OrangeGlo have provided us with substantial ordnance with which to fight the never ending battle.

I first became aware of this product via Billy Mays and his breathless TV commercials. In my current mental state of Stepford, it actually sounded good. For the 3 people out there that haven't seen Billy's vigorous hyping of OxiClean, it is a scentless, allergen free, organic oxygen compound with extraordinary stain and dirt removal properties. I didn't order via phone, since I knew perfectly well that it was available at the local Stop & Shop, and also at Bed Bath and Beyond. I had a $5.00 coupon for Bed Bath and Beyond, so that's where I went.

We don't pay full price here in Stepford.

I got a 12 pound bucket of the stuff for $14.99, and immediately commenced the activities which have brought me such joy and fulfillment into my life - cleaning and laundry. I dissolved a scoop of the stuff in a bucket of hot water. It fizzed up a little, and you would be well advised to give it a stir to make sure it's fully dissolved. Here's how it worked:

Master Bathroom: removed rust and hard water stains from white steel bathtub. This required a bit of scrubbing with a sponge, but once it got going, the tub looked like new. It did the same for the white porcelain toilet, sink and countertop. I tried the suggestion of making a paste of the stuff and putting it on the shower tiles, but I soon figured out that that was a diabolical scheme to sell lots of OxiClean. You're better off using it in liquid form and scrubbing a little - it works just as well. I used the last of this bucket to mop the floor, using a clean, new mop. I let it sit for 15 minutes, then dried the floor with an old towel. The bathroom looked and felt really sanitary, without toxic bleach fumes.

1/2 Bathroom: Removed hard water calcification from under the toilet rim, just using the toilet brush. And I got the spot you missed. The stainless steel faucet looked brand new - I just poured the liquid over it and then rinsed with clean water. It also did a great job on the tile wainscoting, revealing the lousy grout job done by the previous owner. This bathroom was more than guest ready - I actually got the urge to use it myself.

Our bathrooms are perfect in Stepford.

Kitchen: I was shocked at what came off the counter and appliances by using this stuff. I normally use Windex, and this stuff is much more powerful. The old towel I used to dry everything happened to be white, and it showed all that the Windex had left behind. Inside the 'fridge, it left it so clean that the towel squeaked when I dried it. I dumped a scoop into the dishwasher with the Cascade I normally use, and 1 hour later removed dishes and silverware that looked brand new. Even my Mikasa wine glasses (which are supposed to be hand washed, but I never do) came out great. I have a wood floor in my kitchen, so I didn't use it there, but I would bet this is great on vinyl tile.

Our kitchens are spotless here in Stepford.

Laundry: Oxiclean is bleach-free, so it purports to be safe for fabrics. They do caution to spot test, but I had no problem washing Jack's navy blue NYPD t-shirts and other gear with no fading. I added a large scoop (laundry detergent size, not the dinky one they give you) to a load of white laundry and got spectacular results. It seemed to remove all residue of both dirt and detergent - everything felt really clean. So Jack's jock strap and t-shirts were once again things of beauty.

We all wear clean jock straps in Stepford.

Bedroom carpet: I had a real Christmas tree, upon which I put real tinsel. I did this because I had forgotten the fight I'd had with my father about 5 years ago, during which I'd yelled: "You want tinsel on the tree, then you spend the next three weeks pulling it out of the cat's a.ss!" I recall turning around at that moment and seeing my neighbor Vivian in our entry foyer, who responded by saying: "Tidings of comfort and joy to you too, kiddo."

Loki, my big Maine Coon cat, also forgot the effect of Christmas tinsel, and viewed it as an irresistible tasty treat. However, Jack had also fed him roast pork from the table, despite my explicit instructions. So the tinsel-pork combo never made it to Loki's nether end. He yacked it up on the white berber bedroom rug instead. There were 750 additional square feet of easily-cleaned tile and wood in the apartment to yack on, but figured if he was going to be sick, someone was gonna pay.

A diluted solution of OxiClean erased it effortlessly. And interestingly, he seemed to know what had made him sick, because he avoided the tree like the plague. He also chewed one of Jack's work shoes to smithereens.

Our pets never puke here in Stepford.

Negative side effect: After sloshing around in buckets of OxiClean all day, my hands became very dry. They were so dry that the skin on my thumb and index fingertip was almost gray. OxiClean does recommend wearing gloves - I say I agree. Especially since that evening Jack leapt away across the bed and asked if I was turning into a lizard. 2 days of Nivea hand cream and I was fine, but unless you want to look like Swamp Thing, wear gloves.

We never have dry skin here in Stepford.

I am so at peace, here in Stepford-by-the-sea. I think that when it stops snowing, I'll go and scrub Magnolia Boulevard with OxiClean, wearing gloves, of course.

Note from Jack: Somebody hire my guy, please. He's a great compliance officer and a lot of fun to hang with, or he was, until this Stepford crap started. Get him out of his apartment before he comes at me with a bucket of OxiClean and I have to cuff him. Thanks. Sgt. Jack M., NYPD.

Recommended: Yes