J-Day and Beyond. Video Gaming's Version of Operation: Market Garden
Written: Jan 10 '03
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Product Rating:
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Pros: 64-Bits, the most bits for its time; $500 less than the competition.
Cons: Too many Third Party software companies were laughing at it.
The Bottom Line: I'm sure Judicator Trammell knew how General Montgomery felt when that limey launched that ill-fated invasion.
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| cerberus435's Full Review: Atari Jaguar |
November 4, 1993
——~~ {þ§} ~~——
J – Day, 0800
——~~ {þ§} ~~——
Dawn.
We all just sat there, anxious, worried about events to come. Everyone examined each other’s faces as our decrepit, ramshackle “landing barge” that NJ Transit passes for a public bus, rocked side-to-side as it drove through the stormy pot holes of Jersey City. As our transport reached its destination, everyone split into three battalions, each armed and ready to fight their own battles.
Twenty-five men, all with a common goal. We readied our wallets and reservation cards as we approached the door. Benjamin, our most keen eye, peered in.
BOOM!
Benjamin was knocked back as another bus emptied its load, its cargo steamrolling through the door at a frantic pace. I heard Joey yell, “F*** dis shiznit, yo! We out!”
So we all breached the door, screaming, yelling, dodging the chaotic stream that engulfed us. We suffered casualties along the way. “They” shot back with angry glares and streams of “F*** you’s!” and “G*d damn sons of b****es,” but we trudged on, firing back with our own salvo of “birdies” and stiff arms. The chaos was wearing on me. I needed to focus. On the objectives. Objectives? Ahh, yes. Now I remember.
Amidst the destructive war being fought between Sega and Nintendo, Atari made its bid to enter the conflict. Judicator Allan Trammell, the leader of his grand army, unveiled plans for a super system that would overpower and overwhelm all who dare oppose it. Indeed the plans were bold and staggering:
—» Three dedicated processors:
Codename: “Tom” at 64 – Bit;
Codename: “Jerry” at 32 – Bit;
Motorola 68000 at 16 – Bit.
—» 2Mb DRAM
—» 64 – Bit Internal Bus
—» 22 MHz Clock Speed
—» 16 Buttons, coupled with a digital Directional pad
—» Over 20 high-caliber Third Party “Divisions” supporting it
The system, aptly dubbed “Jaguar” had a theoretical advantage over the present opposition. It was four times as powerful General Rosen’s “Genesis” three times as dominant as Emperor Yamauchi’s “Super Nintendo” $500 less and twice as many bits as Funk Master Hawkins’ ׁD uh-Oh.”
Indeed, the Jaguar was hell-bent on pushing the technology limits of video gaming to the cutting edge. It was made to cleanse the field of the Japanese infidels and re-establish Atari’s once dominant grip. Having been bought in and cooed by the numbers and the propaganda, we pledged to support and defend the system to the bitter end. Even at the expense of our lives (in our wallets). . .
J-Day, November 4, 1993, is the designated day for the unveiling of the Jaguar. Before Judicator Trammell could put his bold plan into action, he must commit the system to his foot soldiers.
Our mission: To secure the system. And support it with as much of our monetary units as possible.
Finally, there it was – the beacon. The words “Electronics Boutique” flashed right before our eyes. Tears rolled down my eyes, as I realized the closeness of our objective. As we arrived at the checkpoint, we were greeted by survivors from other transports. After exchanging pleasantries, we checked our chronos.
“Clear the door! Thirty seconds!” An old, grizzled compatriot yelled.
George, the most battle-hardened member of our group, began to issue orders to our disorganized bands. “Left saade stick, raaght saade stick! Cerberus435 and Tone, up da middle. Clear ya reserve ticket, ‘n ready ya two-fifty’s (dollars.) Ah see yous on da counter.”
Moments later, I cry came. “It’s opening! Go go go!”
We were off.
What happened after that cry seemed like a blur to me. When we got on the transport back home, we were minus two men. Ricardo and Joey, the two men responsible for our starboard side, were missing. The rest of us shook our heads, wondering what could’ve happened to those two. Nevertheless, Antonio, our leader, held in his hands the system we struggled for. The objective was secured. The mission, a success . . .
For now.
——~~ {þ§} ~~——
J – Day Plus 2
——~~ {þ§} ~~——
It’s been two days since we secured the system unit, and I just couldn’t help but get this particular nightmare out of my head. Visions of Sinade (how the f*** do you spell her name?) O’Connor’s bald head mocking me, asking me, “Where did you learn to fly?” I couldn’t take it anymore. I emerged from my tortuous slumber and screamed.
“Watda f*** iz wrong wid you, n***a?” George asked, he and the rest looking at me with confused, frustrated looks on their faces. Apparently, George was engaged in battle with the Head Hunter in Cybermorph. Judicator Trammell’s pre-packaged offering placed us in a space-worthy fighter. It was a plain offering of sorts, containing polygonal flat-shaded graphics that rivaled Star Fox for the hated Super Nintendo.
The Head Hunter was a ferocious flying foe that protects the planet Emeth. It’s tactics and methods were nefarious; instead of relying on weaponry, the Hunter uses its superior speed and maneuverability to ram into your slow and difficult-to-control fighter. George had been battling this foe for so long. His hands were sweaty; frustration oozed out of every pore in his body. Sinade O’Connor’s constant admonishing only exacerbated the situation. You could almost pity George.
Then it happened. George tried to execute an evasive maneuver, but his ship bumped into the side of a mountain. “Where did you learn to fly?” said the annoying green bald head. And the Head Hunter struck. George snapped.
“AAAAHH! YA F***IN’ B****! SHUT DA F*** UP YA F***IN’ SL**! A’MA F***IN’ KILL YA A** YA MOTHERF***ER!”
The four of us tried to restrain him. It took our collective energies and two shots of morphine to calm him down. This may have been a sign of terrible things to come.
——~~ {þ§} ~~——
J – Day Plus 5
——~~ {þ§} ~~——
It was a sight for sore eyes. Five days after being pronounced missing, Ricardo and Joey finally came back. We greeted our wayward compatriots with high fives. In jest, we gathered the tribunal to discuss their exploits.
“Yo man, there were maad peeps in that place! We tried to find yous, but too many heads, ya know,” Ricardo said.
“So what da f*** were yous doin’?” George asked. Frustration still consumed him as he capitulated in his battle against the Head Hunter. “What da f*** took yous so long, man?”
Joey chimed in. “We bought Crescent Galaxy, man.” Cheers exploded throughout. “Yo, what up! Trevor McFur up in da house!” We couldn’t wait to pop the unit into the system.
That night, the tribunal retired in utter disappointment. Trevor McFur’s Crescent Galaxy was nothing but a glorified, woefully short, and horribly executed version of Gradius, Axelay, and R-Type. It was a flawed attempt to capture the essence of those classic side-scrolling shooters.
Joey and Ricardo’s valiant attempt was in vain.
——~~ {þ§} ~~——
J – Day Plus 50
——~~ {þ§} ~~——
Weeks dragged on like years. Judicator Trammell’s foot soldiers endured release after release of mediocre software. However, we still trudged on, spurred by news from the Judicator himself that his system sold handsomely on the field. Though we were glad that the system performed so well, we wondered quietly how long it could last despite the lack of quality in the software.
There was one nagging issue about the system; an issue grossly overlooked by the Judicator’s engineering and design teams: The controller.
We recently secured Kasumi Ninja and inserted it to the system. There was much hype surrounding this particular title. Featuring digitize graphics, tons of blood, and fatalities, it is a direct competitor to the Mortal Kombat series. However, as I played it, I realized more and more how stupid the control layout of the controller really is. Whereas Sega’s system organized the primary buttons in ABC order, the Jaguar unit laid them out in the opposite direction. The left-most button was C, and the right-most was A.
I wondered out loud, “What arcane, faulty logic is this!?” After being pummeled by Thundra, the scantily-clad, ugly looking Amazon queen, I threw the controller at the system in utter disgust.
“Dang, Cerberus435. . . Chill homes. It ain’t no nothin’,” Jackie assured me.
I wept on Jackie’s shoulders, tired and weary of it all. Who was the Judicator kidding? The system and its ineffective controller cannot possibly be 64 – Bit.
——~~ {þ§} ~~——
J – Day Plus 300
——~~ {þ§} ~~——
Every system has a savior. I could fondly recall when Sega’s Genesis floundered in support almost a whole year after its deployment. After the initial flood of high quality software, mediocre products followed that nearly depleted General Rosen’s hopes. Then Sonic came. This blue-skinned force single-handedly rescued Sega from total annihilation. Rosen’s war machine was again brimming with life and strong support followed.
It’s been nearly one year and the followers of Judicator Trammell have yet to witness that one crucial piece of the puzzle; that one earth-shattering force that could lift the spirits of an exhausted army. Then it came, in the form of an arcade classic.
“This had better be worth the $50 we invested,” I said, still skeptical and annoyed, after being forced to choose this software called Tempest 2000 over Final Fantasy III/VI.
“Quit whinin’ ya f***in’ b**ch. Yous saw all them reviews n’ sh**. This sh*t’s worth it, now shut da f*** up,” George calmly reassured me. Then again, I didn’t quite see the logic in bypassing Square’s franchise heavy hitter over retro-active piece resurrected from the dead. We returned, hoping that the reviewers were right about this one.
Well into the next morning, we were still passing around the control unit, figuring out ways to guide the simple-looking craft through stages of psychedelic mazes. It was an experience we never had in the Jaguar. So much so that Ricardo nearly developed epileptic seizures watching all those crazy lights for extended periods. Although it was difficult to beat, Tempest 2000 brought excitement and joy among the Judicator’s ranks. Before we settled into our bunks, we opened some cold ones, rejoicing in our victory and now full of hope for our system’s future.
——~~ {þ§} ~~——
J – Day Plus 500
——~~ {þ§} ~~——
For a system to thrive, it must reinforce its success with even more success. Unfortunately, Judicator Trammell rode on the successes of Tempest 2000 and Aliens vs. Predator for too long. After the novelty wore off, more mediocre software (i.e. Cybermorph 2, Rayman, and Iron Soldier) followed.
“How much loot yous all got on yer stash?” Jackie asked.
“Not much, man,” we replied in unison. We pulled out our funds and counted them all. We had barely enough for one software.
“Aight, we got enough. Let’s bounce n’ get Cybermorph 2 or somethin’,” Jackie suggested.
“F*** that!” George roared. “I ain’t wastin’ my loot on that sh*t! Ahm tired of that f***in b**ch askin’ me where ah learned to f***in fly! Man, f*** that!”
“Aight, aight. Chill out, son. Just askin’.” Jackie said.
“F*** that gaming sh**, man. It’s maad nice outside. Let’s just shoot around n’ sh**,” Benjamin suggested. He had a point. We had devoted so much time and resources on the Jaguar that we forgot all about fun and recreation.
That day, we forgot all about Jaguar, the Judicator’s war, and the stupid video game wars raging on around us. For once, we were oblivious to the conflict, and it felt good. As we found better ways to fill our time, and as other Jaguar “loyalists” defected to other sides, Trammell’s system found itself atrophying into extinction.
——~~ {þ§} ~~——
J – Day Plus 750
——~~ {þ§} ~~——
1995 signaled the end for Judicator Trammell. As General Rosen and Emperor Yamauchi made plans to bring their regimes into the 32 – Bit generation, the Judicator made a last-ditch attempt to save his system by releasing a compact disc add-on. Unfortunately, it failed miserably.
Judicator Trammell’s empire crumbled around him, as those who pledged to support his system turned their backs on him and sided with the opposition. To make matters worse, the Sony-backed Chancellor Steve Race and his revolutionary new system called Playstation loomed so close. Sporting some scary technical numbers and unquestionable support from top-flight Third Party divisions, Chancellor Race set out to conquer the battlefield.
My comrades and I, however, had become weary of the conflicts. We had invested so much into what was once a promising system. Now, it is merely a closet hold-over, taking up valuable space, mocking me every time I glance upon it.
—~~ {þ§} ~~—
Present Day
—~~ {þ§} ~~—
Today, I transcribe my experiences as a veteran of the hopeless war waged by a once proud organization. Ten years ago, Judicator Trammell built up a huge force, poised and ready to send serious shockwaves in a largely bipartisan conflict. Today, his force is no more. Like mercenaries, his minions scattered throughout, joining camps who are willing to part with the largest amount of money.
The present day conflict has taken on a whole new shape. The Jaguar is nothing but a fleeting memory. Its purpose: To serve as a reminder how NOT to run a video game system.
.........................
——~~ {þ§} ~~——
Memorable Moments
——~~ {þ§} ~~——
---== Finest Moments ==---
—» The visual splendor of Tempest 2000
—» The pulse-pounding ride that was Aliens vs. Predator
—» Iron Soldier, a worthwhile Mech experience.
---== Forgettable Moments ==---
—» Sinade O’Connor, bald and incredibly annoying
—» Angus McGreggor and his bizarre fireball move
—» Giving my money to the cashier after buying this 64 – Bit blunder.
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