A Valentine's Day Primer
Feb 13 '01
The Bottom Line Valentine's Day Mistakes: don't make them.
For many people, Valentine's Day is fraught with peril, a nerve-wracking obstacle course of do's and don'ts. Will she love and accept your clumsy, misguided attempts at romance? Or will she find you a floundering, impertinent jackanape? I've compiled some proven tips and reminders for aspiring Don Juans and dating neophytes. No, please don't thank me. This is my Valentine's Day gift to you.
Valentine's Day is not the day to suddenly bestow gifts on women who are dating or married to other men. That would more properly be Bastille Day.
If you are dating two women at the same time, make sure they don't find out that you have purchased two Hallmark cards, two boxes of chocolates, or two bouquets. If they find out, you will have to do some hasty backpedaling ! If you haven't inscribed the cards yet, you can insist that one is for her and the other one is for your mother or grandmother. Unless they're both extremely pornographic, in which case she'll never believe one is for your grandmother ! If you've already addressed the cards and neither one is for her, now would be a good time to say, "You don't know how good you have it. You should be grateful I'm not that guy from American Psycho."
If your girlfriend is Caucasian, don't get her a card from the Hallmark Mahogany collection. This will suggest to her your lack of powers of observation. Similarly, "To my darling nephew" would not be a good choice. Still, for some women any card is better than no card.
Inappropriate Valentine's Day gifts would include large matronly underpants, a crate of deodorant from Sam's Club, Oprah's big bra that you bought on Ebay, or a vial of your cryogenically preserved sperm. Gifts she will cherish forever: a prescription for Depo-Provera, the Giselle Bundchen swimsuit calendar, The Idiot's Guide to Reaching Orgasm.
Don't take her to the Olive Garden and use a coupon. Guys, that is so tacky. Take her to Bennigans, ask her if she's still on that diet, order one appetizer for each of you, and quickly ask for the check. Whisper in her ear, "You are making me so horny. Let's get out of here!"
Don't suggest that your girlfriend recreate that scene from American Beauty. It will require several hundred dozen roses, which is more expensive than one dozen. A better idea is to recreate the love scene from Deliverance. Practice saying, "You shur got a purty mouth!"
Don't forget to change the sheets before she comes over. Just because she fell for the Betty Crocker frosting, Pantene, Elmer's glue and Alfredo sauce excuses doesn't mean she won't catch on this time. She knows you don't eat Brie.
I can't emphasize this enough: keep pets out of the bedroom! Dogs especially are "joiners", and they interpret certain sounds and smells as an open invitation to the festivities. Keep your wild dingoes in the dingo hut. Don't think your mule will suddenly be a wallflower either.
On a related note, unless the night is especially hot and sticky, keep your bedroom window closed just in case you live in the same neighborhood as such insatiable sex addicts as Charlie Sheen, Tommy Lee, Ted Koppel, Kathie Lee Gifford, Golda Meir, and Al Gore.
Valentine's Day is probably not the right moment to suggest that she might really enjoy a threesome, to let her in on your Mary Kate and Ashley fantasy, or to ask her to dress up like JonBenet. That would more properly be January 20, Martyr's Day in Azerbaijan.
If you are a recent immigrant, I should warn you that despite the Saint, Valentine's Day is not considered a religious holiday and should not be celebrated at church. The pews are very hard and fairly narrow, and all that grinding is going to bruise her coccyx and elbows. Plus, when you glance up and see her name carved into the pew, followed by "s**cks big d**k", you are going to be overwhelmed by that not so fresh feeling.
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