|
|
The Pin-Ups of Epinions, The Hot And Steamy Women of My Wet DreamsFeb 17 '01 (Updated Apr 26 '02) Write an essay on this topic.
Popular Products in Books
The Bottom Line If you're going to honor traditional commercialism, at least try to be original about it.
Preamble I love to be fashionably late to my own write-off. It's so tres chic. Last week, co-mistress Bijou and I brought you the, Men We'd Leave Our Man For write-off. Your responses to our essays were so overwhelming (note: I didn't say good or bad, just overwhelming) that we decided to push forward and let the runner-up in the voting, Women We'd Leave Our Man For, take on its own life this week. Attention: There are many of you here that are prompting us to continue with a third installment, a trilogy if you will. One of these days, we may follow up with the write- off to end all write-off's, "How Many Psychos Can Epinions House?" Attention Women It's now Saturday, February 17. Three days have passed since the official day of lovers, Valentine's Day. I ask you, "Are you better off today than you were three days ago"? Your answer is probably not. Lemme guess. Your man give you some lame gift with no originality in it? Uh-huh. Sista, I been there. Hang with me. I'll help you. Attention Men It's now Saturday, February 17. Three days have passed since the official day of lovers, Valentine's Day. I ask you, "Are you better off today than you were three days ago"? Um. Stop just looking at me like I asked a question from a SAT test. I take your blank stare to mean that you have no clue to what I am talking about. Sigh. I know this. Hang with me. I'll help you. The True Meaning of Valentine's Day It's all about Mr. Hallmark (only a man would be stupid enough to make up a day like this one). Men, if you're going to be silly enough to hook yourself into a commercialized tradition, at least have the balls to be original about it. Did you get that special woman of yours perfume? Candy? Or worse yet, a frickin' gift certificate? Tsk tsk. See, this is where you have destroyed your future possibilities. Perfume? Candy? Are they gifts that keep on giving? No. Candy will be consumed in one sitting (because we need to console ourselves over the fact that you couldn't put enough thought into the day to do anything original). Perfume will be shoved into the back of our medicine cabinet or perhaps hidden away in that pile of make-up and beauty products that you never see. And a gift certificate? Honey, that's just code for I sent my secretary out at lunch time to get this because until she reminded me of what day it was I forgot and would have came home empty handed. So back to future possibilities. What do I mean by that? Again, stop with the blank stares. You know and I know that for every gift you purchase your woman, you're hoping that it turns in to some extra nookie for you. C'mon, admit it right this minute. Nookie. Nookie. Nookie. It's all about the nookie. Fine. You're a male and I appreciate your honesty so come closer as a point out to you how you can give your woman a gift that ensures multiple possibilities for that nookie. The Gift That Gives All Year Round What is it? A calendar. Yep. Now, listen up. It's what is IN the calendar that gives you that guaranteed nookie. Listen to your woman (really listen, not like you do now - only pretending to). Pick up on the things that excite her, get her juices flowing. Believe me, she'll drop you hints all of the time. For example, you go to see a movie and she says, "Wow! Nicole Kidman looks great in that outfit," or "Did you see Juliette Binoche's face? I would die to have cheekbones like hers". It's the smart man that picks up on these luscious tid bits. If my man was smart (which he is of course), he woulda/shoulda/coulda picked up on the fact that I am hot for these women. Here's my calendar. Ms. March 2001 Gracing the month, all glossed up in ruby-red lipstick would be Jennull. The picture captures the essence of her sexual being. Licking her lips, she looks right at home in her rose petal filled bathtub. She is surrounded by three other women - Alicia Silverstone, Jennifer Connelly and Elizabeth Hurley. They're just waiting to towel her off and attend to her every need. YUM! Ms. April 2001 With the Spring comes hope and a renewed sense of self. It's the month all about ME!! The month of April contains all of the women who would love and pamper me, utilizing their various talents. Elorraine would massage my hands and fingers with the passion of Mozart. Francesca57 would smooth away my worries with Origins Salt Scrub, leaving my body as smooth as a baby's bee-hind. Chrisceb would massage my scalp with Clinique Hair Care Products. It's as close to heaven as a girl could get. Ms. May 2001 Things are starting to heat up. Superflychick appears in what USED to be some sort of swimwear. I assume it was a bathing suit at one time because I still see that g-string up her bee-hind. Or maybe she just strategically put that there. Dunno, she's not here for me to ask. Wearing only a smile and those damn sunglasses (show me your eyes darn you!), SFC is lounging sideways on the beach, drinking something just a wee bit stronger than my girly-girl drinks. She whispers to me..."Come join me kristina. For I shall give you a warm and steamy evening that you will never forget". Ms. June 2001 Inspired by my male friends, somewhere along the line I must have dropped the hint that I would love to see two women mud-wrestling. Who better to mud wrestle than two tongue-wagging beauties - rfr and Nicole Kidman. Luscious legs, covered in slick, brown mud. Two gorgeous bodies, slip sliding around, slamming into one another. Darn! If only a girl could bring a picture to life...... Ms. July 2001 Dang it's hot in here and why shouldn't it be? Mistress Bijou is in the house. Dressed in nothing but her 3 inch black, spiked heels, eye mask, and a snarl, she walks down the line of various women (perched on their knees), carrying her mighty whip, while they beg her for a lashing. Please, Mistress Bijou, I've been a very, very bad girl and I need disciplined. Ms. August 2001 If you know me well enough then you know that August is a heavy concert rotation period for me. Almost every week, I'm at a concert either checking out some hot boys or some hot chicks. This month's calendar page is extra special. It features a girl group made up of Levda, SeraphofHades, dustygold, jennifernorth, and Cutie_pi. Like all girl groups, each girl has a distinctive personality. Levda's the good girl. She wears Catholic schoolgirl uniforms, complete with the knee socks, and pigtails. Britney Spears stole her uniform from Levda. SeraphofHades is the loving maternal figure who walks the fine line between mother and tramp. Her outfit is a low cut halter-top with a floor length skirt. You can see that her nipples could cut glass. dustygold is the quiet rebel. Her wardrobe consists of all black attire with the exception of her midnight peacock fingernail polish. You have to look closely to see all of the tick marks on her fingernails from all of the men she has loved and left behind. jennifernorth is the belligerent rebel. Dressed in all leather (kristina fans herself), she stuns her audience with her gorgeous voice. One moment, she sucks you in, the next moment, she spits you out. And then there's Cutie_pi. Mistaken for a super-model, Cutie_pi is breathtakeningly beautiful and by far, the best dressed of the group. Men stumble all over her but really, she doesn't notice. She would much rather have kristina any day! (sidenote: just ask baby and I am all yours.....) Of course on their play list would be several retro-new-wave 80's hits along with their own original stuff. Ms. September 2001 The leaves are starting to change color and fall is creeping into the scene. The days are shorter, the nights are colder and you know what that means. You need to find a warm body to snuggle up to at night when you're laying near the fireplace. I choose to snuggle with Gina Gershon. I bet that she could teach me a thing or two about the Bear Skin Dialogues that Bijou continues to harp on. Ms. October 2001 No other person but fellow libra-sista Hava could adequately represent this month. But see, since Hava is a twin and the libra sign is two sided, I need to include another woman in the picture. Who better than Juliette Binoche. The two dark haired beauties explore each others features to see how alike or unalike they are. See, we libras need symmetry in our lives and in order to get there, we need to do a lot of exploring. WOWSERS! Ms. November 2001 Thanksgiving is a time for feasting and what better model to shine on this page but my dear, OdellBurgess. Wearing nothing but a feather in her cap, she lovingly serves up a dinner that would put even Martha Stewart to shame. At least she remembered to wear those 3 inch spike heels that I love. Now, will she walk all over me with them? Or is that a request I must phone in special to her agents? Ms. December 2001 I tingle all over just thinking about the Christmas season. Could it be because of the picture of lessaleigh gracing this month's dates? Could it be the fact that she's dressed up in a very daring and revealing Santa Suit that would make even Jennifer Lopez whimper? Uh-huh. You got it. I close my eyes and lessaleigh is teasing me with her sultry voice, singing, "Santa Baby". Her legs are as smooth as silk and her touch gives me goose bumps from here to my nether regions. Ms. January 2002 Everyone knows that this is the month that I'm in doors the most. I'm watching more television but most importantly, I'm viewing more movies. Who better else to shine as the model of the month than Psychovant? Laying on the bearskin run (I think she borrowed it from Bijou), she invites you to join her for popcorn and a good time. Ms. February 2002 Angelina Jolie and her lips close out my calendar for the year. Wearing only pouty purple lip stick and a tattoo that says, Be Mine Kristina, Angelina gracefully sucks on her lollipop and awaits your answer. The End If you've learned one lesson throughout this entire essay it's that you need to give some thought and be original about the gift you give your woman. Before you know it, Valentine's Day will be here again. Prepare and next year could be the best year of your life, Mr. Nookie! Dare to Read the Other Participants levda bijou hava odellburgess rfr seraphofhades lessaleigh superflychick  |
| Read all comments (35)|Write your own comment |
- Top 50|
Ads by Google
|
