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FATHERS give BIRTH tooFeb 24 '01 Write an essay on this topic.
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The Bottom Line Fathers play a real and important role, including at the Birth
Fatherhood starts pre-birth, as my experience shows. In an earlier Twins expose I wrote of the danger of twins developing their own language, and the resultant problems. I also wrote in “Real Men Use Cloth” of the stress relieving and appetite enhancing properties available to fathers if they wash all the diapers. Incredible as it may seem for a writer of my unbounded credibility, I confess to half expecting ridicule over the “language issue”. Of course, it didn’t occur and just showed my modesty and insecurity had reared their heads. Never mind. I now write with renewed enthusiasm, less fears and boundless energy. I know my readers will see this as a blessing, and if you could stop for a moment, wipe your eyes, and just let blessings be blessings, you may read on. This little epistle is all about the extent of a babies level of awareness pre-birth, in particular twins, one being a boy, the other a girl. I should add that unlike some other writers, my mind has not been addled by a University education. I am complety free of their doctrines and the strange beliefs they present, and label, as evidence. My mind is crystal clear and therefore I have a much deeper perception of the origin of life and other things that have the Uni. types going in never ending circles. In other words, I am not poisoned by knowledge. Now, please remember I am writing about twins, one male and the other female (technical terms for boy and girl). I will do my best to write at your level, so please relax. Perfect One and Perfect Two, our twins, proved beyond any doubt that awareness begins significantly before birth, as you will very soon agree. See, this is not a belief, a trust, a faith, a likelihood but an indisputable fact - and, as always I will prove it beyond any doubt - did you get that -any doubt, which is much better than the law requires to extinguish a life. Now, Bubs are, of course, the result of the union of an egg and a sperm. The egg, spat out (not by mouth) by the mother basically just lies there, as females are keen to do! The sperm, on the other hand, is one tough little son of a gun, having won a race against millions of others. This behaviour appears later in life, particularly in marriage, where man fights like hell to please his woman, while she, who is never satisfied, just lies there looking disinterested! So you can see this behaviour starts literally right at the start, so don’t waste your time trying to change it. It ain’t going to happen. (Notice the methodology, reason, logic and perception of my uneducated brain - you wouldn’t find that fact in a Uni book - absolutely awe-inspiring, I know) But I digress, nevertheless it is important to realise and understand these basic, never before written truths. Now, back to the level of awareness of the unborn. Precisely when awareness starts even I don’t know, yes alas it’s true, poor reader, but I do know it is quite some months before birth. I am sure you will have noticed boys are bigger than girls, and remember we are talking about my B&G twins. But do you know why? No, well that’s okay because I do. See twins compete for food from their mother, father being out of reach. The boy, for the very reasons I informed you of earlier, has the common sense and good judgement to really go after the food, while the girl just cannot grasp this concept and lies back trying to look helpless. This of course explains that at this point the girl has not yet learnt to scheme and connive - but of course it won’t be long. She does know her brother is there with her because she can feel him and she even knows he’s knocking off most of the food, but at this stage of development she can only allow him to continue his gorging. She no doubt realises that looking helpless alone doesn’t work, and starts to look for another strategy. Hopefully you get the picture - these two little critters are acutely aware already, and they are not even properly cooked! Take a break if you need to - I guess all this new knowledge is taking a bit of soaking in for average people................... .............................................................................................okay, I notice a doubt exists in one of you but remember I promised to prove all this, so please read on. Now, only a father can prove what I have said, and this is how; Once the cooking is complete, spousy will go into what they call labour. Labour can be short or long, but I will give you an accurate account of my experience. I was told to be at the hospital at 9.am on 14/6/79 er, sorry, that’s Australian, 6/14/79 by which time the action should be starting for spousy’s induced labour. So I arrived at 8.a.m. just in case and the drill goes like this. I was asked to sit beside her head on a very high stool, very high off the floor that is. I would strongly advise any father not to sit at the other end, down below, unless perhaps if they are a butcher. You then rub your wifes back (rubbing of her chest is frowned upon by the midwives) and you keep rubbing until all feeling is lost in your hand. You then keep going until your arm is “Stone Dead” and then change hands. The rubbing continues until the same happens by which time you change hands again and so on. In this way, we, the fathers, share the pain. In my case this only lasted ten and a half hours, so you can be lucky. The moment of birth eventually comes (ten minutes to seven p.m. - same day). It is important for Dad not to faint or yell “Oh Yuk”, Sh..t or “you dirty little..” or anything similar. Remember your feet are well of the floor so the swell won’t hit you as your wife loses forty pounds of what they politely call fluid, all over the floor, and thanks to shock you won’t even smell it. Perfect One is born!!!!, examined by the Doctor, you see him use his fingers to count the number of heads, eyes, arms etcetera and as soon as he is finished a nurse wraps it in a blanket and throws it to you - it is considered particularly bad form to fumble the catch. All attention turns to the butcher’s end where they are obviously looking for “Perfect Two”. The gynaecologists head disappears, reappears only to disappear again. By now Dad should be holding Perfect One, upright please -(even Down Under). Perfect One will of course be your daughter, as son will be enjoying a last drink inside. Do not call Perfect Two to come - for some reason it is frowned upon by the staff. AT THIS POINT IT HAPPENS Newborn daughter stops studying my handsome face, and turns towards the butcher’s end. Sure her strength is not great but her straining is quite perceptible and unmistakable. Lean Perfect Daughter towards the Butchers End and all straining stops, pull her back and it starts again! At 7 p.m. Perfect Son is born - another flood of “fluid” followed by something best forgotten. Perfect Son flexes his muscles, wipes his mouth with the back of his hand, and then stretches out his arms for the “cape” and once wrapped, gives a little “thumbs up” to Dad and is placed on his Mother’s chest in an ideal ogling position – I suspect for both! Sorry Ladies, at this point there was absolutely no doubt which sex is dominant. It is now appropriate for Mum and Dad to ogle twins for a few minutes, and never say, “I’ve got the best one” or “You can have that, this one’s mine”. The babies are then taken for microwaving, er, humid cribbing. Husband turns to wife for thirty seconds, tears in eyes are a good idea, and then runs like hell to Dunny (toilet/bathroom/blowhole) - you should make it if possible but if not, Tough! I did not care after ten and a half hours and eighteen cups of coffee. Then go out the front door of the Hospital and smoke about half a packet of cigarettes to restore normal nicotine and tar levels. Being outside also helps to dry the huge wet spot in your trousers, and if it happens to be raining - Bonus! The following day, work never seemed so enjoyable, after my day of labour yesterday. The first of new born twins will very often look for number two. It is real, it does happen, it is not uncommon and it proves an acute awareness before birth. Don’t you agree?  |
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