Who Says News Has To Be Boring?
Written: Feb 18 '01 (Updated Mar 01 '01)
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Product Rating:
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Pros: You'll feel like Albert Einstein after visiting.
Cons: You'll feel like taking a shower after visiting.
The Bottom Line: My recommendation is that Epinions lets us write more than one site review so I don't have to sneak in through the backdoor to get another one posted!
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| Hard_To_Please's Full Review: WWW Site Reviews |
As you learned in my last review, I love science. I especially enjoy science when it’s presented in an unconventional and fun fashion So when I discovered a website that serves up scientific news with a twist, I knew I had to share it with you. BEYOND 2000 is not only an award-winning, magazine style television program, it is a news site which presents the latest in scientific and technological advances and discoveries in a clear and captivating style.
News topics on the B2K site are divided up into seven major categories:
Cyber Life
(Communications, Computers, Cyberculture, Human Interface, Robotics, Simulation)
Engineering
(Construction and Design, Land, Materials, Safety and Security)
Transport
(Air, Land, Water)
Medicine
(Cancer, Medical Engineering, The Human Body, Treatments)
Space
(Heavenly Bodies, Observation, Vehicles, Energy)
Science
(Biology, Chemistry, General, Planet)
Leisure
(Audio/Visual, Fun, Sport)
Titillating Titles
We’ll delve into the intellectual and enlightening details of newly discovered black holes and quantum physics later, but let’s start by whetting our appetites with a sampling of several selected news article titles. It quickly becomes obvious that the writers in charge of titles either moonlight in the porn and/or drug trade or have learned a thing or two about title-writing from Epinions.
For example, under Cyber Life, you’ll find the following articles:
“When Size Does Count”
“Digital Porn Patrol”
“Gold n’ Showers”
“Sex and the Internet”
“Cyber Stimulation”
“Lending a Hand”
“Simulated Inebriation”
In the Engineering section, you’ll want to read:
“Rolling a Joint”
“Flying High”
“Bite Me”
“Rear Gear”
“Dirty Light”
“Catching Your Eye”
The Transport category boasts such titles as:
“Wet Pants”
“A Need for Speed”
“Your Turn on Top”
“Exchanging Gas”
“Three Pronged Attack”
Even the Medicine category isn’t immune from tabloid titling:
“Sponge-Worthy”
“Focus on Breasts”
“Get a Grip”
“Powerful Pills”
“Male-Order Eggs”
“Brace Your Face”
“Blood, Spit, and Death”
“The Pain Train”
“Tongue Bath”
Space features news releases such as:
“Barfing for Bones”
“Inflatable Fun”
“Tie Me Up, Scotty”
“Martian a la carte”
“Whales in Space”
How could you not be tempted to read the following Science articles?:
“Bulky Beef”
“Bringing Home the Beaver”
“Repulsive Romeos”
“Funny-Fix”
“Stretching It”
“Money Shot”
Ironically, the Leisure section contained only one eye-catching title:
“Seat Sniffers”
Before We Dig Into the News…
In addition to the news topics listed above, there are other areas of Beyond 2000 you’ll want to check out.
Any Questions?
This is the section where you can ask a question that’s always bugged you—one that perhaps you thought seemed too obvious or too obscure to ask—or even one that might be too embarrassing to raise in polite conversation. Each week, B2K prints a selection of questions that keep readers awake at 3 in the morning and then answers them. A review of submitted questions confirmed that I’m not the only one who ponders such mysteries of the universe as “Why do people turn red when embarrassed?”, “What causes hiccups and how do you stop them?”, and “Why do men have nipples?” I was deeply disappointed that no one had the guts to ask the three-word question that is asked millions of time each day and to which there is apparently no ‘right’ answer. I look forward to the answer to my submission of “Paper or plastic?” since I’m tired of the baggers’ hateful looks when I answer “Both.” Until B2K can tell me which one is right, there’s no way I’m going to look foolish by making the wrong choice!
The Gallery
This is the section of B2K you’ll want to check out for scintillating shots of heavenly bodies in all their naked glory or videos of humans in various scientific, but stupid activities. You’ll ooh and awe at close-ups of crab nebulas and black holes as well as marvel at microscopic photography of cells and germs. The video library supports Real Player, Windows Media Player, and Quick Time Video Player and you’ll thrill to short films of idiots riding modified bicycles down snow-covered mountains, a woman-driver cheerily steering her sportscar into a lake, and even children swimming at the beach in ‘beer goggles’- supposedly to teach them the evils of drinking. While most of the videos involved activity that could have (and should have) ended tragically—this ain’t America’s Funniest Videos—and I was disappointed that there was not so much as one blow to the genitals in the whole collection.
Our Picks
What website would be complete without a section dedicated to gift suggestions related to the site?
This is where you can learn everything you always wanted to know about such scientifically-minded gifts as robotic pooches, computer games, educational books, and even Sea-Monkeys. I was especially grateful for the in-depth article about the Sea-Monkeys since it helped to unburden me from decades of mortifying shame stemming from a boyhood dare from my brother. When he double-dog-dared me to drink down a glassful of Sea-Monkeys, I didn’t hesitate to demonstrate my bravery. My immediate sense of pride was quickly replaced by shame when I looked at the box cover and the reality set in that I had just imbibed an entire family of happy crown-wearing acrobatic mini-monkeys. Thanks to B2K, I now realize that my crime involved nothing more than swallowing a bunch of brine shrimp. (Although I now feel guilty eating Jumbo shrimp since I can’t shake the image of them merrily swinging on an underwater trapeze moments before Red Lobster rips the crowns off their heads and boils them.)
So What Did I Learn?
I promised earlier to share some samples of the detailed information I gleaned from the site. (Please note that I didn’t promise that the info would actually be useful.) So put on those thinking caps and prepare to absorb a healthy dose of knowledge you can share with those eggheads you find yourself stuck with at your next cocktail party. (I worked that in just to see if it’s true that Epinions won’t let us say “cocktail”.)
*Just for the record, I have taken much of the following verbiage verbatim from the site, but condensed it considerably.
“Bottom Wiping”
*The ultimate in sophisticated swabbing products has just been launched by US sanitary giant Kimberly-Clark. The busy boffins at K-C have been beavering away to bring the world “Cottenelle Fresh Rollwipes---America’s first and only dispersible, pre-moistened wipe on a roll! Now you can buy a dispenser of wet toilet paper; highly useful for achieving that squeaky clean feeling. Research conducted by the corporation has turned up startling revelations about our bathroom habits. It seems that the surveyed customers agreed that a moist wipe approach is cleaner and more refreshing than conventional dry toilet paper alone. The results of a poll showed that 63% of respondents had experimented with a wet ‘cleansing method’ after doing their business. K-C is anticipating sales of the wet toilet paper to reach $500 million in five years since it was such a success with the market research guinea pigs that some of the testers (just how do you qualify for that job?) refused to give their dispensers back.
“The Boulder Holder”
*While men may spend a lot of time thinking about them, bras have never really demonstrated much thought capacity of their own. Australian scientists tell us that the next generation of breast support will be different. They are developing a ‘smart bra’ that will sense its’ wearer’s actions and adjust its’ support properties accordingly. The bra will be constructed from intelligent polymer fabrics that can alter their elasticity in response to information about how much strain they are under. The smart bra will thus be able to instantly tighten or loosen its’ straps or stiffen its’ cups when it detects excess movement. The initial phase of the University of Wollongong’s smart bra engineering effort will involve measuring the physics of breast travel during exercises like jogging. (No mention on how to volunteer for the grueling task of detecting the subtle differences between out-of-control, eye-blackening bouncing and just plain ‘jiggly’.)
“Dumping the Smell”
*To a pig farmer, a large volume of malodorous hog excrement is the smell of money—to those of us downwind, it’s just the smell of sh!T. But according to swine nutritionist Gary Allee, a researcher at the Univ. of MO, there’s a method of reducing porcine odor by 30 to 50 percent. “It’s all a matter of inputs and outputs” says Allee. “By changing the inputs, you alter the outputs.” Getting scientific about pig pooop, Allee explains that odor-producing compounds, such as ammonia, are produced when micro-organisms break down nitrogen compounds that are present in a pig’s digestive tract and its’ end product. The odor’s intensity is directly related to the available amount of nitrogen, which is determined by what the farmer feeds into the pig. Since surplus protein is the major source of excess nitrogen, Allee has formulated a diet using synthetic amino acids to replace a major portion of the typical corn/soy diet. He anticipates up to a 50% reduction in the level of odor in swine stools. No word yet on plans to add the synthetics to Saturday night’s chili-dogs to reduce the stench in your Sunday morning shrine.
“Krunchy Keyboards”
*Next time you’re feeling a bit hungry while reading Epinions, why not practice some prehistoric hunter-gatherer skills? There’s a veritable feast to be had right in front of you; just check inside the keyboard. A study carried out by AOL shows that about 2 grams of detritus collects under our typing keys every month. Most of it is food. Of the average .7 oz. of monthly keyboard droppings, 56% is food crumbs, mainly from pastry and chocolate. As a matter of fact, before sitting down to write this review, I shook out my keyboard and at this very moment I’m snacking on some artichoke from August and some falafel from February 1999.
“When Ducks Ruled the World”
*Dr. Steve Wroe, a mammalogist at the Australian Museum says that giant ducks ruled the Earth from 15 million years ago until they became extinct 50,000 years ago. The flightless, half-ton, 15 foot giant bird-beast, Bullockornis Planei was closely related to the modern duck. Until recently it was thought the bird was a herbivore, using its’ giant beak to rip open nuts (can I say ‘nuts’?) But a specimen found in Australia’s Northern Territory has prompted an academic rethink. It’s huge serrated beak certainly looks like it was used to tear chunks out of its’ prey which would make this ugly duck-thing the most ferocious meat-eater of its’ day. It is not known how many prehistoric children on duck-feeding excursions actually fell victim to the duckbill that could slice through flesh like a knife through duckbutter.
“I Dream of Tetris”
*Recently, 27 volunteers played hours and hours of the popular computer puzzle game, Tetris, and were then tested to see if they were still playing it in their dreams. The research was led by Dr. Robert Stickgold of Harvard Medical School in an attempt to gain a better understanding of memory storage and the role dreams play in this process. I’ll spare you all of the scientific details of the study, but share with you the revelation that nearly two-thirds of the Tetris-saturated study-group members did in fact continue to play the game in their dreams. Even more amazing was that they actually got better at playing the game the more they dreamed about it. Scientists concluded that the raw data from dreams actually helps put the fact-storing area of the brain in order. The strong time and space structure of factual memories may be left out of the dreaming process so that new experiences can be freely cross-referenced with the rest of our memories. The difficulty our brain sometimes has in knowing how to cross-reference info and where to file it may explain why we often have such bizarre dreams.
I’m not quite sure exactly what my brain was trying to file when I recently dreamed that a hermaphroditic succubus pleasured me while a throng of picayunish fakirs cheered me on. Even more bizarre was the amount of onomatopoeia that was woven into my dream. I’d like to know what the scientists say about the fact that as I was sexually devoured by a demon, I squealed like a pig, bleated like a sheep, crowed like a rooster, whistled like a dolphin, brayed like a donkey, howled like a wolf, gobbled like a turkey, snorted like a horse, bristled like a porcupine, hissed like a cat, screamed like a banshee and finally cried like a baby. (Of course I do all those things while playing Tetris too, but at least I get to keep my pants on.)
“Repulsive Romeos”
*Although there are a number of Internet sites that suggest to the contrary, imagine how unpleasant it would be to douse your partner with stinking and poisonous excretions just before sex. For humans wishing to avoid disturbance during mating, simply hanging a ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign on the hotel room door or taking the phone off the hook is enough to avoid interruption. But for some animals, safe sex is all about getting through the act without being eaten by predators. In the world of the scarlet bodied wasp moth, that involves the male covering his mate with a bridal veil of putrid poison. When the male has selected his intended partner, he releases a toxic cloud which covers his mate like sticky confetti and insures that he will have her all to himself over the next half day of mating. Half day of mating?! I’m lucky to get a half-hour! There have been times when I’ve barely had a half-minute, which I must admit has been more my fault than my partner’s. Why is it that on those occasions I’ve emitted a putrid gas during sex, it actually ended the encounter rather than increased its’ duration? Why does a damn moth have a better sex life than I do?!
“Flushed With Success”
*An inventor recently came up with a way to save lampposts from the urinary assault of countless canines. Roger Flude has developed a steel overcoat that fits around the posts and protects them from corrosion caused by doggy leg-cocking. Urine can considerably shorten the life of a metal lamppost and in several cases, weakened structures have caused fatal accidents. Mr. Flude has had several inventive failures over the years, but his fixation with urine looks set to make him rich- with projected royalties of hundreds of thousands of dollars. (Sadly, Hard–To-Please’s fixation with urine has netted him substantially less in royalties.)
Summary
Don’t underestimate the true educational nature of Beyond 2000 simply because I chose to focus on the more sensational stories found on the site. I promise that you’ll find thousands of in-depth stories which will truly enlighten and educate you on the latest scientific news available. The articles are all illustrated with interesting pictures and graphics and even contain links to related stories so that you can satisfy your curiosity about the subjects of your choice.
Speaking of curiosity, if you’re wondering why this piece is even stranger than my usual fare, this review is part of a News Site Write-Off in which the participating members each contributed bizarre rules and utterly ridiculous constraints which we all had to follow. Check out their submissions and see if you can figure out the dozen strange similarities in our stranger-than-normal pieces. Please visit:
Acongojada, whose motto is “I might act crazy, but I don’t smoke crack.”
Mptang, whose motto is “It’s a sad day in Tang World.”
SLOW, whose motto is “What is cheesing my squidstick, you ask?”
The host of this eclectic group is none other than Sordid-1, whose oddly shaped head is adorned with strange-looking features and tops an unattractive torso. He probably has a hairy back too, but since he’s my favorite writer, I broke my self-imposed moratorium on participating in Write-Offs. But now that I’ve completed my grueling assignment, it’s a toss-up as to whether the readers or myself are more relieved by my solemn promise: THIS is my final Write-Off!
*Sordid-1 has included the whacked-out rules we had to follow in his submission.
Recommended:
Yes
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Epinions.com ID:
Hard_To_Please
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Location: St. Louis, MO
Reviews written: 47
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MARK IS MISSED!
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