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Wow, you intrigue me (Reply to this comment)
by Suzer
Excellent review! If people are P'o'd about your obsession with urine I'd tell them to discuss it
with John. Too bad. Anyway, welcome to my WOT.
Suzi
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Jul 01 '01
10:02 am PDT
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Thank you thank you thank you. (Reply to this comment)
by jckatz
Ever since I read this review I've been getting it downloaded to my PALM.
I even searched for your review but couldn't find it until I was cleaning up some of my old reviews and saw your comment for Maybe Baby its you.
Thanks again. It keeps me sane on the train and bus. Well it and Salon, and The Onion. When you commute 1 1/2 hours each way a day, you need to read a lot!
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Jun 25 '01
4:46 pm PDT
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Just to say hi (Reply to this comment)
by jo.com
since I'm #263 reading this review :) jo
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May 24 '01
3:54 pm PDT
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Better late than never... (Reply to this comment)
by wickedgood
I just love reading your stuff HTP. If'n you ever decide to take up pen and write as a real pro, I want to know.
I know I'm not being very witty here, but it has been a while and I have to get back into the swing of things.
luv, Shari
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Apr 12 '01
7:13 am PDT
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sea monkey killer! (Reply to this comment)
by jenne3
hey, i finally am able to get back here..and of course the first thing i do is update my email address...u thought i was going to say read your epinions didn't ya? :) Well that is the second thing i did...u haven't changed..at least one thing is constant in this world...your epinion was great (Omigod, like i thought about using the word awesome but like i was afraid i might sound like stupid)and you made me laugh! Even though i still think you should be brought up on charges for monkey/brine shrimp slaughter!!
thanks for the laugh! Now on to the next one.
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Mar 31 '01
5:55 am PST
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waiting anxiously for the response to paper vs plastic (Reply to this comment)
by pipet
absolutely fabulous review. it's good to be informed about such sites!
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Mar 20 '01
10:28 pm PST
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Keyboard snax and such (Reply to this comment)
by annexation
Of the average .7 oz. of monthly keyboard droppings, 56% is food crumbs, mainly from pastry and chocolate. As a matter of fact, before sitting down to write this review, I shook out my keyboard and at this very moment I’m snacking on some artichoke from August and some falafel from February 1999.
Givin you a VH in the strongest sense.. because until now, I had no idea of the veritable edible eden hiding beneath my keyboard.
Mmmm.. discolored Dorito chunks. Like a fine wine, they taste better with age.
Mmmm... chocolate, or mouse droppings? Never being one to let a little uncertainty hold me back, I ate them anyway.
Mmmm... don't know what the hell those dusty floral looking things are.. But my best guess would be: food. So down the hatch.
My keyboard.. it's a free-for-all buffet! And I have you to thank!
-Mark
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Mar 19 '01
6:37 am PST
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Talking of pre-moistened... (Reply to this comment)
by tipu
... you'd love the Middle East, at least Dubai, where I know toilets come equipped with a little pipe attached to a tap... I'll let you imagine what they're used for... them people are really careful about their hygiene...
Oh you made me dig up an old email forward... lessee if you can guess which part you reminded me of... thanks Mark! ...t-ţoo
-x-
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it)
If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now thats more like it)
A pigs orgasm lasts for 30 minutes!
(In my next life I want to be a pig)
(Howd they figure this out, and why?)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Dont try this at home...maybe at work?)
(Still cant get over that pig thing)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)
(And pigs get 30-minute orgasms? Doesnt seem fair)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmmmmm........)
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of...?)
(Did taxpayers pay for this research??)
Polar bears are left handed.
(Who knew....? Who cares? Howd they find out, ask them?)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What can be so tasty on the bottom of the pond?)
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. Its like a human
jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes...can you imagine?? And why pigs?)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head, before it starves to death.
(Creepy)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached = to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the males head off.
(Honey, Im home. What the....)
(Well, at least pigs get a break there...)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(In my next life I STILL want to be a pig...quality over quantity)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Oh, Geez)
(Thats almost as bad as catfish)
An ostrichs eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
Starfish dont have brains.
(I know some people like that too.)
After reading all these, all I can say is.............Lucky pigs..
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Mar 14 '01
6:44 pm PST
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Smart Bra, Huh? (Reply to this comment)
by thedragonweyr
Is this going to replace my Wonder Bras? Sounds like something I would want to own and wear!
Hugs,
Pamela
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Mar 09 '01
6:51 am PST
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everyone knows.. (Reply to this comment)
by kevlog
you never bray like a donkey when playing Tetris.
You frighten me. fantastic stuff though!
Kevlog in Boston
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Mar 07 '01
7:15 pm PST
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I don't want to talk about my own gruesome experiences with pre-moistened toilet paper (Reply to this comment)
by repulsemonkey
Let's just say: Don't do it. Trust me on this one.
monkeyforyourhealth
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Mar 07 '01
4:18 pm PST
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DANG! (Reply to this comment)
by AinsleyJo
Why did you go and make a promise that you can't possibly keep without ending up in a rubber-room somewhere!?! You KNOW that you were BORN to participate in write-offs! This is a great one! Problem is that I can't decide if there really IS a site like this or if you made it up! lolololol Oh well! Just have to find out! :o)
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Mar 06 '01
1:02 pm PST
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Glad to see I'm back in your good graces (Reply to this comment)
by mptang
I always honor my commitments, Big Guy. Sorry to be late with my entry. Didn't mean to let you guys blow in the wind like that but this write-off almost fractured my mind with its multi-parted meanderings. It was truly difficult but I wouldn't stiff anyone in this royal company for the world. Now, knife me, fork me, teach me the mortgage bi'ness, big daddy!
Your ever lovin'
Tang
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Mar 01 '01
8:08 am PST
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To the First Twenty-Five Commenters (Reply to this comment)
by Hard_To_Please
It is because of you who comment that I continue to slave away once or twice a month and share with you the twisted meanderings of a sick mind.
It is with mixed feelings that I read new comments, since more often than not, they are far wittier than my review. I miss the days when my reviews garnered at least a hundred comments each-but it is for that same reason that I now cherish the few I get even more...Mark
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Mar 01 '01
4:27 am PST
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Hey thanks I added this to my AVANTGO (Reply to this comment)
by jckatz
I loved your review so much I checked out the web page and added it to my palm pilot AVANTGO program.
Thanks again.
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Feb 26 '01
6:51 pm PST
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"Virtual Is It's Own Ignored..." (Reply to this comment)
by 29th_Candidate
See that?! --Now if you guys hadn't snubbed me (Ken!,) you wouldn't have been so disappointed when, eventually, I had posted two weeks in excess of the deadline! Right?! Oh, what a tangled "Website Review" we weave; when, out of W-Os, our pal 29th, we leave... *tsk* *tsk* *tsk*...
All kidding aside, it seems like your best material is borne of W-O adversity (29th wrote, thinking back to some interesting correlations with the "Drunken W-O." Congrats to you on a highly-entertaining, well-written contribution. Though you were abandoned by a few of the a-post-les ("a"-- as in "against" or "opposite;" post as in "W-O posters") you bore your cross-ness gracefully, and rose above it to create a very worthwhile piece... Which is why I write the title above... If you remain Hard_To_Appease, who is to say you won't be deprived of the adversity-generated ingredients that seem to have yielded such satisfying work-product, not only here, but during the "Drunken Write-Off?"
You'll Always Have An Invite To Any W-O I Have,
29th
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Feb 25 '01
10:04 pm PST
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Great Review (Reply to this comment)
by xeno3998
And that's all I have to say, pathetic isn't it?
VH all the way, there, have another
-Krelienne
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Feb 25 '01
7:50 pm PST
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You are the first person... (Reply to this comment)
by miridunn
I have come to read since I decided to be done with the site. And I'm so glad I did! You've reminded me well of the good and enjoyable aspects of the site. Thanks, Mark!
So glad to see you have not lost your special touch and brand of insane humour!:"I’m not quite sure exactly what my brain was trying to file when I recently dreamed that a hermaphroditic succubus pleasured me while a throng of picayunish fakirs cheered me on..." I recently dreamed I was a succubi....
Indeed--mating while worrying about predators has ALWAYS been a problem for me! Such is life in Cape Breton!
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Feb 25 '01
3:59 pm PST
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Hood winked into reading a write-off (Reply to this comment)
by grandgram
That really ticked me off, but I must say I enjoyed the review. I will give this information to my grandson who loves science. I better have his mother check it out first.
Sorry will not read the others. LOL!
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Feb 24 '01
6:09 pm PST
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Your reviews (Reply to this comment)
by ifif1938
are amazing!
:)
Barbara
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Feb 23 '01
3:36 pm PST
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Passing gas... (Reply to this comment)
by Superflychick
Okay, now I know where the obsession comes from. As for that whopping long one minute encounter you had I bet I can make ya ____ in forty seconds. Ponder the thought and get back to me. This was quite intersting to read my dear. You always keep me intrigued. You and the Sordid_1 are the BEST!!
MRS. HTP
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Feb 23 '01
10:53 am PST
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ooo man (Reply to this comment)
by mattjoe
you not the lone fool all by yourself?
well, you'll always be a good fool i think, alone or not
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Feb 21 '01
3:26 pm PST
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Trust You, Mark . . . (Reply to this comment)
by nobody_knows
You can always cheer me up, no matter how hard the north wind blows! Your latest review has me wiping the laugh-tears off my cheeks. (But I still have my pride, I'm not eatin' those nacho crumbs in my keyboard, no matter how hungry I get!)
Thanks for the delightful read.
Judy
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Feb 21 '01
1:45 pm PST
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Of succubi and duckbutter... (Reply to this comment)
by Sordid-1
Mark,
I’d like to do my part to aid the scientific community, I really would, but I fear which experiment they would include me in. I’d be glad (in the name of science) to undertake either a tactile or visual study regarding the tensile properties of the smart-bra. I’d have no qualms about playing Tetris for hours straight, either (as long as a steady stream of 7-Up and falafel treats were provided). Heck, I wouldn’t even mind being the guy they hire to eat the sea monkeys! Knowing my luck, however, I’d probably be the one they’d hire to smell the pig shit. “Which one is worse, Test Subject #12. Pile one or pile two? Get down in there nice and deep, take a good, healthy whiff! Science will thank you!”
And that’s why science frightens me.
This was a fun read, Mark (though I know, as noted, it was not a fun write!) I commend you for for your interest, promptness, and amiability throughout the entire self-imploding f’d-up writeoff process. It was a sad, joyless affair with intrigue, tragedy, contempt, murder, and, yes, even hermaphroditic succubi. I am honored that I could do my part to give you that little extra push over the cliff in determining that write-offs are an essentially evil enterprise, and I hope we can all walk away from this experience better, stronger, wiser, and less duckbutterish.
In the immortal words of inventor Roger Flude, “One day, history will look back on my invention and know that is has elicited the praise of Hard_to_Please. All is well.”
And so it should be. You’re a good guy, Mark. If I could somehow figure out a way to make your entire house impervious to the urine of French whores, I would do it in a heartbeat – free of charge!
Sordid-1
P.S. Yes, giant carnivourous ducks once ruled the earth. And they shall again!
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Feb 21 '01
9:10 am PST
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Uh…You asked for it, Mark… (Reply to this comment)
by Dr_Steph
Him: So what's so d*mn important that I need to interrupt my Animal Planet show. You know how much I like to watch that weird Steve's near-death encounters…
Me: Well, hon, you see, Hard_To_Please wrote a brilliant review of a news site on the internet. You always said that you like non-fiction better than fiction so I thought you might find this site enjoyable.
Him: What, not Hard_On again! I thought maybe you had gotten that p*ssing pervert out of your system by now.
Me: But he's my favorite writer on Epinions. Pleeeaaassseee…read his review.
Him: Why? He's not going to get another "hit" from me if you log on through your account. He doesn't care if I read his stuff or use his reviews to line the garbage can.
Me: But he DOES care! In fact, he told me that you are required to read all of his reviews. I guess he misses your "commentary."
Him: I'm required to do what? Who made him Lord of Epinions? Let's see what the clown has to say…
[12 minute break - 3 to read the review and 9 to use the bathroom]
Him: Hee, hee, hee - moth has a better sex life than him!
Me: So, do you like it? Isn't he funny?
Him: Nah, dumbest thing I've ever read. Who would waste his time reading this trash? Doesn't Hardly_There have a life?
Me: Well, he says that plastic dolls talk to him so I guess he's had some different experiences.
Him: No duh…Hey, do you think maybe you should get one of those "Boulder Holders" he's talkin' about?
Me: I knew you would come around…
Him: Nah, I still think he's a nut case. Uh, do you think maybe they'll have Steve wrestle one of those killer ducks on an upcoming program?
Me: Talk about nut cases…say goodnight to Mark, hon.
Him: Nighty-night, Hard_Up. And leave my wife alone or I'm going to hunt you down and start a pig farm up wind from you…
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Feb 20 '01
10:06 pm PST
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Chick a boom! (Reply to this comment)
by nathsmom
Mark,
It really slays me that even with all those weird rules and words, you are still able to write a brilliant site review. That's an amazing accomplishment and a real testament to your talent, I think.
You're on my "epinioneers whose talent I would most like to exploit for my own personal gain" list.
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Feb 20 '01
6:26 pm PST
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I'll have to check this one out (Reply to this comment)
by diverpam
There is just no end to the wisdom you can impart! Take care, Pam
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Feb 20 '01
4:14 pm PST
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excellent (Reply to this comment)
by NoMattrWht
Another informative, entertaining, amusing review by my favorite writer- YOU! As soon as I am done writing this, I am going to visit Beyond2000.
afterall, there have been days where hours were spent playing tetris or tetris 2, and YES I did dream of it, those blocks falling over and over. More recently though...it's been Minesweeper, I had a cold, and dreamed- me blowing my nose in a pattern of minesweeper, blow(minesweeper bomb) blow (bomb)..... that probably makes no sense to you.
Great review.
Peace
Christine
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Feb 20 '01
8:13 am PST
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Really funny piece (Reply to this comment)
by WilliamJones
I especially liked the Update at the end.
Bill
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Feb 19 '01
4:11 pm PST
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Beyond H2P (Reply to this comment)
by taurusmoon
I can always count on you to be my scout for the irresistibly absurd.
I have a sinking feeling that I'll become a regular visitor to that site.
I owe you one you *@#$%^&. (Darn filter)
Thanks Mark.
Sara
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Feb 19 '01
9:06 am PST
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