NOIR-WWW: Naked News – The Program With Nothing to Hide
Written: Feb 18 '01 (Updated Apr 04 '04)
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Product Rating:
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Pros: Naked women.
Cons: They speak.
The Bottom Line: I would not show it to my mom. I rail against it with aplomb. If you watch it you're a loser. Don't become a Naked Newser.
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| Sordid-1's Full Review: WWW Site Reviews |
“Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens,
Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens,
Brown paper packages tied up with strings,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Cream colored panties and erotic doodles,
Boobs and butts and hermaphroditic poodles
A wild girl all jiggly and news that she brings
These are a few of my favorite things.
Loads of perversion til my ‘puter crashes,
Malodorous news girls with long eyelashes,
Fluffy remarks ‘bout war and ‘bout killings,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Rather blathers while Shaw’s news stings
Chin stinks, Brokaw moos
Escape all that, get to my favorite things
Just tune in the Naked News.”
“My Favorite Things – Revised Version” with my most profound apologies to Julie Andrews, the entirety of Broadway, the state of New York, and every performer, stagehand, and makeup artist ever remotely associated with “The Sound of Music” in any way, shape, or form.
There is only one flavor available in the great ice cream shop of television news broadcasts: vanilla. Things may be spicing up a bit with the emergence of Fox News and MSNBC, but the vast majority of national television news reports reek with the stench of watered-down, dumbed-down, one-sided, insipid, steaming chunks of dreck cut into small portions for the purpose of spoon-feeding an open-mouthed, empty-headed public eager to avoid the human thought process at all costs. Though I lapse into extended periods of lazy thought (though never in stretches exceeding 33 years – so far), I by no means want to actually encourage the atrophy of my brain by purposely exposing myself to the insidious effects of this vast, cookie-cutter, corporate news machine.
That’s why I have switched my allegiance to the internet as the prime pusher for my current events fix. The internet is still in the early stages of becoming a vast, cookie-cutter, corporate machine; thus, my choices are not limited to 15 channels of the same damned thing. If I want the skewed perspective of a flaming liberal, I browse over to TheNation.com; if my desire is for the inane ramblings of the vast right wing conspiracy, it’s off to TheDrudgeReport.com; when I have a hankering for an escapade into the geeky realm of hi-tech, that’s destination ZDNet.com; if I want an on-line taste of the previously referenced dreck, it’s ABCNews.com for me; but if I want the same aforementioned dreck delivered to me by bodacious nude women, that’s when I surf over to the target of this review – www.NakedNews.com.
It is only fair to warn you, the reader, that any seeming lack of continuity, “odd” word choices, or bizarre off-topic ramblings contained within this review are probably directly attributable to the fact that this is a contribution to an f’in f’d-up writeoff, the NOIR-WWW (News or Information Related Website Whacked Writeoff). Hosted by some sub-human masochistic idiot, this write-off is subject to a series of grotesquely outlandish rules coupled with compulsory utilization of participant-selected words. Unlike my “Review of the Week”, I promise you that this is NOT more fun than genital warts. Fellow participants include our resident porcine (yet affable) urine fetishist, Hard_to_Please; the generally dormant ,but ever-dangerous, SLOW; the undisputed leader of the Epinions sexual revolution, that fashionably-late succubus, mptang; and our innocent among wolves, falafel-munching write-off virgin acongojada. You should mentally envision them squirming in their seats tormented by ridiculous literary demands, then go read their entries. Don’t forget to point and laugh. Tell ‘em Sordid sent ya.
NAKED NEWS – THE PROGRAM WITH NOTHING TO HIDE
Did you ever get an intriguing Christmas present as a child? A present wrapped beautifully in bright, shiny paper, lovingly and pain-stakingly adorned with multi-colored ribbons and festive bows, screaming out your name from under the tree and assuring you that within is the coolest, most amazing present ever received by any child at any Christmas throughout the course of recorded history. Do you remember your disappointment when you tore it open to find it was nothing but a bunch of gym socks from Aunt Marge? That’s what the Naked News is all about – all glitz, no substance. So why not go to CNN.com or ABCNews.com for your low or no-substance news needs? Because they DON’T have the glitz! This is news delivered by naked women, for crying out loud! Think of it this way: When you finally reach the end of the checkout line at the grocery store, do you choose paper or plastic? They serve the same purpose and have nearly identical functionality. Nevertheless, I will invariably choose “plastic”. Why? Because it’s prettier. I can look at its sleek lines and admire the sheer beauty of plastic while paper just does nothing for me. Once again, that’s the difference between Dan Rather (paper) and the Naked News girls (plastic).
Conceptually rather simple, Naked News is merely a portal to download video clips of succulent, nubile young womenfolk delivering the latest news in the buff. It can be accessed through Real Media (.rm), Windows Media (.mpg), or Quicktime Movie (.mov) formats, and it supports both high-speed and modem dial-up connections. Access is free, connections are stable, and download times are acceptable. But enough of the tech talk…
BRING ON THE NAKED NEWS WENCHES!
Smart? You betcha! Eclectic? Absolutely! Naked? Wouldn’t have ‘em any other way! Let’s meet the sparkly lineup of the Naked News wench team. There’s Victoria Sinclair, Holly Weston, Carmen Russo, and Diane Foster. Two brunettes, one blonde, one redhead, and one I don’t know what the hell color her hair is. Victoria, Holly, Carmen, and Diane. They sound so professional, so “correspondent-like”, so (dare I say) legitimate. This, of course, brings up the question - which is the most doable? It’s hard to say. If you aren’t sure which one to use, grab them all, take them home, and read the instructions contained inside. (*1) I guarantee there will be cheese at the other end! (*2 )
They are all classy, above-average looking women, but what of their qualifications? You don’t want just any naked woman reading you news stories off a teleprompter, do you? I know I certainly don’t! I look for only the most highly qualified, literate, well-heeled pedigree of a naked news wench. Do they pass muster? Well, let’s take a look at Carmen Russo’s biography and see:
“Carmen has passion for fashion which reveals itself in her former career choices. A former model and fashion photographer, she recently spent a year in Spain. It was here she developed her love for cooking Mediterranean delicacies. She also spent many years as a merchandising consultant for a multi-national corporation, where she discovered her sharp business sense, and her fondness for stock market dabbling. Currently a vintage clothing dealer, this gentle exotic exudes an earthy warmth and charm. Her soft-spoken wisdom is both sought after and freely given.”
Wow, that’s super. Just super. Versatile, wise in an exotic earthy way, and charming with an international flair. She’ll do. NOW SHOW ME YOUR TITS! Oh, wait, she’s recently been to Spain. MUÉSTREME SUS TETAS! Isn’t that profile just vaguely reminiscent of the text that you never read on the back of centerfolds? Weren’t you just expecting that the next vapid thing she would say is that she enjoys solitary walks on the beach, loves animals, and is honored to work for the Naked News because she so admires the beauty of the female form? Oh wait, here’s Diane Foster’s bio:
“Diane’s work as an opthalmic laser technician has sparked an interest in a possible career in medicine. Her love of animals is steering her towards the veterinary arena specifically. Diane’s full heart encompasses the great outdoors, where she enjoys solitary walks. Equally at home in hot sun or drizzle, she spent a happy few months in a Nudist Resort. Most recently, Diane has done some work at a highly respected art gallery, and like all the women of the Naked News, understands the power and beauty of the original art… the female form.”
Okay, I can probably cease with the insightful biographies, I’m sure we all get the picture. These are classy, upper-cusp women with perfect looks, a well-bred background, and immaculate hair, who never, ever get a piece of artichoke stuck in their teeth and would never, ever reek of duckbutter (even after a swim in the pond). These are the ideal women. The type of women you (dirty lowlife that you are) would never, ever see unclad in a million years if not for the gregariousness of the Naked News. Carmen, in particular, is an exceptional example of this. She’s a stand-alone piece, but can be modified through all manner of creative applications (coloring, painting, cutting -with rounded scissors-, stickers, glue, etc., etc.), or can be easily integrated with any other toy. (*3 ) I don’t know. They might be all that. Or they might be random dancers pulled from the local strip clubs, handed fifty bucks, and propped up in front of the camera. It’s just hard to tell, there’s no truth in advertising anymore.
I HAD A DREAM
I had a rather bizarre dream about the Naked News wenches recently. Oh, it started out innocently enough with Victoria and Holly scrubbing my kitchen floor using mayonnaise as Carmen swung naked from the chandelier with a pickle in her mouth and Diane leapfrogged around the house screaming “Woodely doo, Mr. Chips!” carrying a lederhosen-clad midget on her back playing “Enter Sandman” on his tuba. But that’s where it got weird. I felt a sudden compulsion to start uttering inane similes to them. “You have cheeks like ping-pong paddles,” I told Holly, “with eyes that gleam brightly as the spittle of a noodle-eating aardvark and lips ripe as rutebagos. You are sensual as a drywall screw, soft as sandpaper, and pure as a Melba snack.” And yet I continued, “Your nose sparkles like a fakir’s chants, your lovely rump is round as a raisin, and your bodacious tatas are firm and supple like a rodeo clown. Your voice is melodious as an onomatopoeia, you have arms wiry as a sponge, with feet like dogs playing poker. Furthermore, your hair is as silicone…” It was then that I woke up, horrified by my ridiculous ethereal come-ons and realized that I must have been channelling the spirit of my funky Motown sister, mptang, who is known far and wide for an excessive love of similes. She loves them way too much. At least 12 times as much as she should. What would I have done with the dream wenches if I seduced them anyway? I’m at a loss. I don’t know how to please a woman. I am clumsy and not orally adept. My tongue’s too fat. I may be a cunning linguist, but I’m not much of a … let’s not finish that thought. Gloom, despair, and agony on me.
WRAP IT UP ALREADY, YOU GOOFY FREAK
I am not particularly enamored with the Naked News. While it is good for titillation once or twice, the novelty wears thin. Also, I understand it can be dangerous over time. While Naked News doesn't in general cause toxic symptoms, except in very large amounts, taking even slightly higher dosages than you need over a period of a month or longer, it can wreak havoc on your HDL cholesterol and interfere with your immune system. (*4) That in itself makes the Naked News a risky proposition. Coupled with the fact that its annoying chit-chatty little banter exceeds even that of most local news broadcasts, the questionable literacy of its correspondents (I had never heard of a disease called “sea-barrel palsy” until I checked out the Naked News), and the plague of pithy little smartie-pants comments following every news story, I’d say the Naked News is good for about two stars.
And for those who are curious, the microphones are attached to necklaces.
NOIR-WWW WRITE-OFF RULES
1) ACONGOJADA’S ABSOLUTELY ADDLED AXIOM
In this write-off review, contained within, must be a short comparison between the choice we are given when we get to the check out line of the supermarket. Paper or plastic? How do they compare to you? Which is the best choice? This is an important choice that we all face on a regular basis, and be that as it may, I feel addressing this problem at Epinions will increase awareness of this problem/choice, and also let consumers know that they are not alone in this confusing issue.
2) HARD_TO_PLEASE’S HARD_TO_STOMACH DECREE
All submissions must incorporate at least three sentences describing your most major and humiliating shortcoming in the lovemaking department.
3) TANG’S SIMILE-RIDDEN RULE OF SLOPPY SECONDS
You must describe your most bizarre dream using at least 12 similes.
4) SLOW’S SLICK SPEECHED STATUE
In at least every other paragraph, the writer must include a word with the same letter twice in a row. Examples would be “noodle”, “aardvark”, “spittle”, etc. This word must not rhyme with any other word in that paragraph. Bonus points for using the three example words in a sentence (and, if you can, I want to party at your house).
5) SORDID-1’S RIPPED-OFF FROM KCHOWELL TRIBUTE TO PLAGIARISM
Read the reviews of your fellow contributors and steal a sentence verbatim from one of their previously written reviews, changing no more than one word in order to make it work in your review. One sentence will be stolen from each writer. Attribute the quotes as you deem necessary.
NOIR-WWW WILD CARD WORDS
Each of the following words must be used in the review: malodorous, falafel, porcine, succubus, onomatopoeia, fakir, eclectic, artichoke, duckbutter, and jiggly.
ATTRIBUTIONS
(*1) This sentence was lifted from Hard_to_Please’s “Taxes and Laughter ARE Mutually Exclusive”.
(*2) This sentence was lifted from mptang’s “SHHHH, it’s a Secret!”
(*3) This sentence was lifted from SLOW’s “The Ultimate Infant Toy”
(*4) This sentence was lifted from acongojada’s “A Sexual Superhuman, Because Of Zinc?...Well...”
Recommended:
No
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Epinions.com ID:
Sordid-1
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 - Top 1000 |
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Member: Jeffy
Reviews written: 62
Trusted by: 418 members
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You wouldn't notice a muddy elephant in the snow, would ya?
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