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Have you prepared your child for a world away from home?Feb 11 '00 Write an essay on this topic.Away from home, most likely for the first time in their lives, most college kids experience some sort of homesickness. That’s normal. It’s hard when your child calls you on the phone, telling you he or she is miserable, and wants to come home. No parent wants to hear his or her child is unhappy. What are you to do? It is important to realize who your child is before assessing the problem. A Brother and Sister Grow Up and Enter a New World I went to college in 1986. My sister entered college in 1995. Although times over nine years were different, I think there are some interesting points to consider about how children perceive the world. I didn’t experience a lot of homesickness when I left for college. I had spent many years at summer camp, so I had experienced being away from home for long periods of time. This didn’t mean that I didn’t miss my parents, and that I didn’t long for home every so often. I was always pretty independent growing up. I was taught to be self-sufficient from about age 13 onward. My parents allowed me to get a summer job because I was tired of camp. I worked every summer until I was 16. Then, I got an after school job as well. When I needed to go someplace, my parents told me I had a bike and could use my own power to get where I’m going. When I was 16, I had my own car and could go where I needed or wanted. I was a boy. I could fend for myself. If I really needed Mom and Dad’s help, they would give it if they thought I needed it. On the flip side of the coin, my sister was away from home for the first time in her life. She was very depressed, and always contacted my parents begging to come home. My parents had sheltered her most of her life, so she had no idea about the real world. Growing up, my sister was chauffeured by my parents wherever she needed to be. She was not allowed to work during the summers until she was 16 years old. She was not allowed to have an after-school job. She was given a car, but she didn’t like driving, so my parents still drove her around wherever she needed. She was never told she had to be self-sufficient, and my parents catered to her every need. She was their little girl, and they wanted to protect her from the outside world. When I arrived at the University of Denver, I was excited. I was in a new place and had a chance to do what I wanted without my parents looking over my shoulder. I was never a troublemaker, so I believed I was able to care for myself. I was a bit disoriented at first, but soon figured out how college life worked and what needed to be done. I looked forward to the new world. My sister, on the other hand, was excited for all of about five minutes when she took off for Earlham College in Richmond, Indiana. Almost as soon as she got to school, she was in a panic. She had no clue what to do, and no idea how to even start her life as a college student. She was helplessly lost in a strange new world. A Brother and Sister Call Home Every so often, depression or homesickness would strike me. I would call home, and spend a few minutes talking to either Mom or Dad. Mom would tell me everything was okay, Dad would give me advice. Sometimes I’d take the advice and sometimes I simply ignored it. However, it usually would soothe whatever anxiety I was going through, and that would be the end of the problem. Mom and Dad knew there was really nothing to worry about. However, there was one time I was really unhappy, and that feeling of unhappiness stayed around for a few months. There were some events going on in my life which really opened my eyes and changed me. My parents knew there was something wrong and worried because usually I could just shrug off whatever was going on. The problem eventually worked itself through. Several times a week, my sister would call home. Phone calls usually lasted for thirty minutes or more. Mom would comfort my sister, and my Dad would try to give advice but found himself astonished that my sister couldn’t function on her own. To make matters worse, she would tell my father she didn’t want his advice, because what she truly wanted was to come home and not be on her own. Her anxiety was never soothed. The next thing that usually took place was I would receive a phone call from my mother asking me to call my sister. Mom always thought that since I was closer to her age, I would be in a better position to deal with my sister and render advice. I would try, but like my father, I was always amazed as to how naïve she really was. Sometimes, I would give the exact same advice Dad did, and she would fight me for every word I said. It was rarely a pleasant experience. My sister’s phone calls home were getting scary for my parents. There were times where the tone of the calls bordered on suicidal or showed some mental illness. In my sister’s senior year, my parents flew out to Indiana on several occasions because they were terrified by what they heard. They didn’t know if she was having a nervous breakdown or some other serious problem. The Brother Graduates When I graduated college, I had no clue in the world what I wanted to do with my life. However, I did know where I wanted to live. I had a degree in English, which essentially provided nothing in terms of real-world training. I went home to Florida, packed up my car, packed what wouldn’t fit into boxes, and moved out to Denver. I found a small apartment and went job hunting. I had a rough time at first, the economy was in the toilet, and it took me nearly 1-1/2 years to get my career started. The Sister Graduates When my sister graduated college, she had no clue in the world what she wanted to do with her life. She also had no idea where she wanted to live. She had a degree in Spanish, which essentially provided nothing in terms of real-world training. At this point, my parents had followed me out to Colorado. My parents and I went to my sister’s graduation, and we were all flying back to Denver together. My sister was going to live at home until she figured out what she wanted to do. My sister was very angry at the world. Earlham was a very small school, had a graduating class of less than 500 and the professors catered to the needs of the students. The Problem Although my sister was out of the house for four years, she really never grew up. She still expected the world to be delivered to her on a silver platter. My father was proud that my sister graduated, but she was very nasty to him. My sister refused to listen to my mother. My mother begged me to talk to my sister within the next few days. On the plane ride home, I sat next to my sister and decided it was time to talk to her. I had her as a captive audience for at least three hours. We covered a plethora of subjects, ranging from where she was going to live (“I have no idea, I’ll figure that out later.”) to what she wanted to do with her life (“I don’t know, I’ll stay at home until I figure that out.”). We also discussed her college hygiene versus adult society hygiene. My sister for some reason decided the world needed to conform to her. It was her view that the world should accept her as she presented herself to it. This included not shaving, not combing her hair, and not wearing makeup. I attempted to explain to my sister what would be expected of her as she entered working life. I explained to her she needed to find a place of her own, and had to start living her life in a responsible manner and start taking care of her own life. I explained to her she should figure out where she wanted to live, because until retirement, this might be her only chance to decide what city to call home. She was, to say the least, mortified. She apparently expected me to tell her she was doing great and she should have no worries. When she moved into my parents’ house in May of 1999, she drove my father up the wall. She was always demanding things of him; always expecting to have things handed to her. My mother’s nerves were being frayed as well. My mother is one of the most patient people on the planet, one of the most compassionate people on the planet, and she was at her wit’s end. The problem was my sister was, despite being 22 years old, a spoiled brat. I think if you asked her this yourself, she would most likely agree. A New Beginning Finally, my parents, after a few weeks of having my sister back home, gave her a deadline to find a place of her own and to get out of their house. My sister has been on her own now since July of 1999. She lives about 30 miles away from my parents, and pays her own rent. She doesn’t have the greatest job in the world, it doesn’t pay the best, and money is tight. Mom and Dad still help her out financially, but I think that will change once she is established and discovers what she wants to do with her life. She seems genuinely happier. I know she hates her current job, and is looking to change careers. That’s not unusual for someone just out of college with a generalized degree. I know that I had five jobs before I figured out what field I wanted my career to be. The trick is that the umbilical cord is finally being cut, albeit slowly. In seven or eight months, I have watched my sister clean up her act, grow up, and start to mature. She is no longer such a sad and demanding human being. She realizes that she needs to work for what little she has. The Point of this Entire Dissertation I think it is important for parents to realize who their children are. If your child is independent and self-sufficient, problem solving is generally easier and your kid will most likely find his or her own way out of the situation. If your child has been sheltered his or her entire life, it might be wise to take a closer look at the source of the depression. It is my honest opinion that the sheltered life my parents gave my sister was a huge source of her problems. They never really cut the strings to the nest, and my sister knew how to tug on those strings to get my parents to react in a way to satisfy her. On a final note, it is important to consider clinical depression. Although neither my sister nor I suffered from this condition, some children do, and they will need professional help to treat the problem either with counseling, medication, or both.  |
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