No Apologies #1 - Socialization
Sep 07 '00 (Updated Sep 11 '00)
***Disclaimer: These are my opinions. They are based on a mixture of 10+ years of research and education in child development, education and learning environments. While it is not my intent to offend I know that strong opinions on ANY parenting issue is bound to offend someone. I have to trust that those reading this review are able to trust in their decisions and maturely deal with a differing opinion. I think it is a mistake to try and "soften" every opinion in an attempt to avoid hitting a nerve. Each of us must do our own research and make our own decisions. Every reader must choose what to do with the ideas presented here, as I did when confronted by them. While honest criticism is to be respected, please try not to discount what I say without reason and rate me on my writing and not how much you disagree. Thanks for reading!
HOME SCHOOLING AND THE ISSUE OF SOCIALIZATION
There is no concern more cited by critics of home schooling than “SOCIALIZATION”. Many veteran home schoolers refer to it as “the S word”. While I certainly understand the concern what bothers me is the apparent belief, by many, that these parents haven’t even given it consideration. “Doh! My children need socialization?” I’m sure there are those who keep their children home for unhealthy reasons but, come on, this speaks to a MUCH larger problem. Just packing them off to public school isn't going to fix this.
WHAT IS SOCIALIZATION?
Socialization is the process of learning how to survive and fit in within a social group. It’s learning how to manipulate your world in order to get what you want or need without hurting others or ticking them off. I agree that socialization is critical to a child’s success in life. I also believe it begins at birth. Children WILL be socialized, it is unavoidable. Where I depart from many is in the belief where this is best done.
For my argument I will use two models of socialization. Public or private school would be the Institutional model and the natural model which is common to both groups is Family & Community. The very fact that ALL children are socialized by the F & C model means that it is impossible to debate which is “best”. The question must be is the Institutional model necessary? In this opinion I will relate some of the things I’ve learned and why I decided that it wasn’t.
THE INSTITUTIONAL MODEL
Being a product of this model it took many years to learn how it began. It was born out of the industrial revolution and crushing poverty. In order for families to survive both parents HAD to work (often the children as well). Abhorrent child labor abuses caused the government to intervene and give the children protection and a safe environment to mature and learn.
As it is in most cases where we allow the government to step in, it seldom steps back out and the more dependent we become. Now our benevolent (ahem) benefactor has convinced most of us that we are incompetent and unqualified to socialize or teach our own children. Of course, for those of us who AREN’T convinced...they have ways of making us conform. But that’s another story.
I began my voyage into the world of home schooling when I first asked, “Who says THEY are the only ones who can do this? And why is their way the right way?” With a child of my own to consider I had greater motivation to see that what I was being told ‘aint necessarily so’.
We remove children from the home environment for approximately 7 hours per day. During this time they are segregated from the community at large and then further segregated from all children not close to their own age. These children are then assigned a very few adults to design, supervise, dictate and schedule their learning and social experience.
Now, I’ve heard many try to illustrate how this model is superior but they have failed. It is my considered opinion that we are back peddling furiously to justify a system that we find hard to abandon. We have become dependent and locked in. Mind you, I can respect and sympathize with families who must use this system but I have no patience with raising it to the level of “superior” and “necessary”.
The main purpose for this model is to accommodate working parents and crowd control. Schedules and standardization are designed to benefit the control and management of the masses, namely a classroom with a large teacher to student ratio. I challenge anyone to show me how this benefits the child in comparison to an individualized and interest lead learning environment. And I won’t make any apologies for being able to provide that, I’ve made innumerable sacrifices to do this. For every "benefit" of the Institutional model I can illustrate how it is already provided by the Family & Community model.
Here is a thought. If we weren't all raised within this model and so conditioned to accept it as normal, how would our view of it be changed? People see home schooling as social isolation? How is this model better? What do children learn from being forced into such an unnatural environment? When will they EVER encounter such an environment again in life after school? What skills can they develop when being surrounded by children who are almost identical in age, victim to the same insecurities and sharing the same same social immaturity?
Contrary to what we tell ourselves in order to salve our doubts, being exposed to bullies and peer pressure, especially over shallow issues like clothes, makeup and the latest marketing gadget is NOT healthy or beneficial. One does not need to be humiliated or abused to learn that it is NOT okay. One learns how to treat others by the example they are shown at home. My daughter knows that one is kind and considerate of other’s needs because that is how she’s treated. She will be much better prepared to meet the challenges of dealing with shallowness, bigotry, boorish behavior and insensitivity from secure environment where her self-esteem is better protected and reinforced.
Okay, I hear the question out there, “What about kids who aren’t being shown the proper example at home?” Okay, what about them? Do we institutionalize ALL children because some parents are dysfunctional? That makes no sense at all. I don’t have all the answers for the world’s ills but it doesn’t start with my child being part of the institution machine. My first sphere of influence is with my own children, next it is with the children of my community and usually this is as far as I can be stretched. I don’t lack compassion for the children of the world, far from it but I can’t let this dictate what happens to my own child’s learning experience and socialization.
This “if it helps just one person” mentality is illogical and dangerous. I cannot justify the ruination of my child’s innate desire to learn and self-esteem in order to provide the illusion of a level playing ground for the neglected.
THE FAMILY AND COMMUNITY MODEL
The child is socialized by family and community members, i.e.; parents, adults, role models, siblings, friends and neighbors of varying ages and backgrounds. Meanwhile their exposure is monitored and guided by parents and/or guardians who are invested in the child. If the child encounters insensitivity and/or cruelty they have a stronger base and quicker retreat to normalcy.
Okay, now I hear “You can’t be there 24 hours a day.”, “You can’t protect them from everything.”, “Someday they’ll have to learn how to handle these situations on their own.” and so on. “Yes, I can.”, “No, I can’t, nor would I try but I can exercise damage control.” and “Of course they will.” How does the home environment prevent any of this? How does pushing them into the isolated environment of the institution help them learn these things? Why do we seem unable to even ask these questions? Could it be that we’ve been left unable to do so because of our education
experience?
I've also asked this question, "If we aren't supposed to protect our children from these situations then why is the instinct so strong?" Perhaps our instincts are working just fine and we don't need to ignore them after all. Perhaps they learn best how to handle obnoxious people by watching how WE handle them. Perhaps the way to know if they're READY for these situations is when they don't need to come to us anymore.
My daughter tells me all the time, "I can handle this." I believe her because she is free to come to me when she can't. The dire predictions that she would be terminally dependent have proved false.
“MY KIDS WERE/ARE PUBLIC SCHOOLED AND THEY ARE THRIVING!”
Thank God! And if you’re an involved parent who provides a strong home, I’m not surprised. It fits exactly into what I’m saying. The institution won’t ruin most kids from good homes......and it won’t fix most kids from bad homes. The home is a powerful thing and makes a child strong.
“I KNOW SOME HOME SCHOOLED KIDS AND THEY ARE WEIRD.”
Define weird. Do they have the gall to be different? Are they nerdy and don’t have the decency to KNOW they aren’t normal? Do they lack the common sense to be interested in the same shallow and useless nonsense as other kids their age? Are they real smart and get too much enjoyment out of reading and studying? Have you HONESTLY asked yourself if their “weirdness” isn’t actually their courage to be different? Does that difference make you uncomfortable? Perhaps you’re uncomfortable because being socialized in an institution has made you intolerant, unable to accept people who don’t conform to your own model of behavior.
My daughter has a lot of neighbor friends, all in public schools. She enjoys their company and mixes easily with different personalities. She is kind and considerate and supportive. However, she walks away when they become verbally and/or physically aggressive. She tells them that if they’re going to use foul language she’s gonna go inside. When they can’t think of anything to do she comes up with suggestions like seeing if the elderly lady down the street needs help. She’d rather be outside catching bugs, climbing trees, collecting leaves or building miniature villages than sitting in front of the television.
Yeah, my kid is weird and sometimes she gets odd expressions. Those who want to find fault with home schooling might blame it on her “socialization”. I believe that, had she attended public school, she would still be a superb human being. However, to think that the regulation, schedules, inhibition and isolation might have stolen even a little of this magic is more than I can bear.
MY CHALLENGE TO YOU
Read some books and material that will challenge your ideas about socialization. It’s not easy to do, it can be disconcerting but it’s good for the soul as well as the intellect. You’ll probably have to dig for material not slanted towards or sponsored by the NEA. Since the person most likely to be reading this kind of information is in the education industry, the majority of material is geared for them. Here are some great web sites for finding essays and book recommendations.
www.unschooling.com
http://users.erols.com/holtgws/index.htm
http://homeschooling.about.com/education/homeschooling/?once=true&
AND FINALLY...
...ask yourself this question, "Does the evidence show us that our children (and adults) are better socialized than they were a century ago? Or are we encountering some the same problems with different results and intensity? Are the citizens of this planet more or less able to think independently and critically?”
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Epinions.com ID:
LouisaM
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Location: Lake Oswego, Oregon
Reviews written: 41
Trusted by: 16 members
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