Warning: Insight into my head..
May 23 '00
Considering the fact that I am ending my career as an obnoxious and omnipotent (self-proclaimed, of course) teenager, it is now time for me to say what 5 things I could use most of all as I enter this journey into adulthood.
1. A rockstar best friend
Any of my friends who are reading this, please don't think I am trying to replace you here. It's just that the older I get, I realize exactly how much money I have blown on CD's, tapes and concert tickets. I could have probably put myself through my freshman year of college based on my Metallica collection alone. I figure that if I have a best friend who happens to be high up in the corporate media industry, I could get some nice hookups and hopefully never have to pay for anything musical ever again. Music is my life, and has got me through (and into) many unique experiences, both good and bad.
If any rockstars are reading this, please drop me a line. I like free cd's too. So send me copies of your albums and I'll review them for ya. I'll say good stuff about your music. Unless you sing pop rock. Then I have a suggestion as to where you can stick your album. Want a diagram?
2. A reality check
I've been pretty delusional about everything since I hit age 13. Sometimes I think I just need to take a step back and allow someone to beat some sense into me. I got tangled up in a lot of things that I only look back and laugh at now. I realize all the effort I put into trying to impress some people could have been better used for a different purpose (rotating my unicycle tire, for example) but at the time, it seemed like the most important thing in the world.
The reality check isn't just for my own benefit either. I wish I had a tool that allowed me to check reality into other people. So far, the closest thing I have to it is a Louisville Slugger. People don't like to get beaten with it for some strange reason, however. I was pretty jaded about life in general in high school, and probably still am right now. A wise man once said "Reality is just a crutch for people afraid to take drugs." Seems very true. Reality can be a real pain in everyone's butt sometimes. Bummer.
3. Psychic abilities
Sometimes people just tick me off. Why is it that some people just won't tell you what is exactly on their mind without you having to beat it out of them? It's never worth the effort. If I have to spend 2 hours trying to get information out of someone, it better be concerning the date that Jesus returns to earth and sends me and all my friends to the underworld, because I don't think anything else deserves that kind of persistence. Sample conversation. (SA = Significant Other)
Me: "What's wrong?"
SA: "Nothing."
Me: "Are you sure?"
SA: "Yeah,, <sniff sniff>"
Me: "So why are you crying?"
SA: "I don't know."
Me: "Want to talk about it?"
SA: "No.. <sob>"
Me: "Ok, if you say so."
SA: "You don't love me anymore!"
Me: "What?"
SA: "You don't even care what I am upset about!"
Me: "Gnnn.." <BLAM!> <BLAM!> (Sound of me firing multiple rounds into SA's skull with a semi-automatic..)
Some women.. Although I do know some guys who are equally difficult about certain things. Some are also equally inept at keeping secrets. Grr..
And even if being able to read minds turns out to suck, I can always get a job as one of those phone psychics I see on tv and ruin a few people's lives by telling them things they don't want me to know about. Good, clean, wholesome Springer-eque fun.
4. A NORMAL job
I don't think there is such a thing, but I can always dream. I have had all kinds of weird jobs. Allow me to name a few.
Brighton Gardens Assisted Living Center: Don't let the name fool you. Thats fancy talk for a retirement home. Yes. I worked in a retirement home. Laugh if you want. I probably made more money than you are making now though. But I learned to make my job interesting. I liked asking people with Alzeimers if I could borrow five bucks, promising I would pay them back the next day. Fortunately they couldn't even remember their own names, so they never asked for the money back. They were happy, I was happy. I don't find it wrong. Of course, I also had my share of bad incidents too. Walking in on two geriatrics doing the nasty was one. Ewwww.... I will not elaborate.
Paper Boy: Man does THIS one suck. This is my current job. I work from 1am-7am, 5 nights a week. Pay isn't bad, but it's thrown my sleep pattern off. Wait a minute, I'm a college student, I don't even have a sleep pattern... But anyway, the hours suck, and driving around at nights means that cops decide to screw with you. And don't even let me describe what kind of weirdos come out at night. They're legions of people like me, only worse. How's that for scary?
I consider a normal job something that involves working 9-5, 5 days a week, decent pay, some perks, few contact with morons, and no naked elderly people. Is that too much to ask? Hopefully my normal job will be somewhat permanent, so I at least know I will eat next week.
5. A people remote control
If anyone can get me one of these, I will worship you. I see them in movies (especially those late night ones). I don't even care if it isn't a full remote control. As long as there is a big fat MUTE button on there. The change channel buttons would hopefully change attitudes and moods. Sometimes excessively happy people just do not mix well with me. I would love to make Perky the Sorority Girl shut her motor mouth for five minutes and talk about something else besides how much fun she has with her sorority sisters. I DONT CARE! She should do something useful, like off herself to prevent more of her in future generations. The stop button would be used liberally too. See that scary ex walking towards you? Stop her in her tracks and be where she isn't. Or just hit the rewind and send her obnoxious butt back into the hellpit from which she was spawned. Oooh. Feel the power...
I know that if I had written this list ten, five, or even one year ago, most of these things wouldn't have been on the list. The attention span of a teenager is shorter than Jesse Canp's singing career. It's funny, I feel old. Where did the time go? Does this mean I have to grow up? Arrghh! I'm not ready to become mature! God help us all if I, James, ever become <ick> respectable.
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