Is there really any "right' way to say this?
Jul 18 '00
I have read a lot of reviews about how to tell a child of a death. I really believe there is no “right” way to do this, and each adult wrestles trying to find the right words to say. I thought I would relate my experience on the subject – not from having to tell a child of a death, but from being a child told about the death of her mother.
My mother died of cancer when I was four and a half years old. I don’t remember a lot of her time in the hospital, but what I do remember I remember vividly. My mother passed away back in 1965. During this time, children were not allowed to visit hospital rooms. I didn’t get to see much of my mother while she was in the hospital, only occasionally when she would come down to the waiting area to see me. Being a child, I just accepted things as they were and didn’t question why I couldn’t go up to see her.
I also vividly remember the day my father told me my mother passed away. It was morning and my father had just come home from the hospital. I must have just woken up, because I was standing outside of my bedroom. My Dad told me Jesus came and and took my mother to Heaven. I remembered I started crying. What is interesting here is I am not sure I understood that my mother was dead and I would never see her again. I just knew there was something to be sad and cry about. I think I realized what death was by watching and listening to the rest of my family. Needless to say, it was a very depressing and dark time at our house.
I don’t remember my mother’s funeral, although I am told I was there. I don’t really think it is of any major significance that I don’t remember her funeral, it is just another part of childhood selective memory. I also find it interesting that my dad told me Jesus took my mother to Heaven, since my father soon left the church and was angry at God for the remainder of his life.
What is also interesting is that my mother was Jewish, and converted to Christianity. Even though my father left the church, all her children have grown up to embrace Christianity and make God a daily part of our lives.
Is the way my father told me the best way? I don’t know. I think that offering the child as much support as possible after the death of a parent is much more important than how a child is told of the death. I don’t really believe one sentence will make the child understand just how final death is. The actions that follow, the support from the other family members and friends, and the constant love of the remaining parent are what will help the child understand the loss of a parent.
One last note, this article is written in memory of a friend who recently died, Dawn Zeigler, 1965-2000. She was also a mother, friend and wife of great support to her husband. We will all miss you Dawn.
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