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The Love Hate Rollercoaster!!Jul 18 '00 Write an essay on this topic.When we found out we were expecting our second child we were so excited!! We decided to keep the happy news from our then 2 year old little girl for as long as we could. This being until I was showing. This decision was made following much reading and discussion with other moms. The conclusion being that a child that age does not have the concept of time and would not benefit having to wait so long for the actual baby. I also wanted to enjoy our relationship as it was before the birth of my daughter. We told her when I was about 5 months along. It was hard at times and I had wanted to tell her sooner but in looking back I am very happy we waited! Even this time frustrated her at times. It was very long as her anticipation grew! We involved her in most every way. She came to every prenatal visit and bonded with my nurse! She got to hear the heartbeat and 'see' the baby(what is that??) for the first time. She even had a baby in her belly and had Nurse Carol, "Put ooggly, googly on my belly" to hear her baby every visit!! She was so good with her! My daughter used to talk and sing to her sister in my belly. She would sit in my lap and read to her book after book. She helped me go through and pick out clothes as well as shop for new ones..."this is so adorable"...she would say! We read many books on the subject. She came to the hospital to visit to see where we would be. She was excited to be going to spend time with my good friend during the actual birth! I made sure she was very comfortable there before the birth. This was one of my biggest worries...the separation from my first daughter! She never had been left. We don't have relatives where we live. I am SO thankful for my friend!! The baby came a week late and my first visited an hour after the birth. The pictures we have are precious!! She returned to the hospital in a few hours to spend the night with her family and the new baby! I am so glad they allowed her to stay! I got my first glimpse of upcoming problems when we were about to leave and she said that her sister wasn't coming with us....she was staying here!!! My daughter was very, very verbal with her distaste for the new intruder!! I never thought we would have the kind of sheer unhappiness that we were faced with!! It was the hardest thing for me!! Here we have this new little angel and our beautiful first born that we love with all our hearts is saying that she hates her and she wants to hit her! She told us how she was feeling yet she was also physical with her. She would try and push her or pinch her or slap her. I had to watch her even when I was nursing! This was scary and I couldn't leave her for one moment!! This was a girl who before this time was not violent in any way and who showed sweetness and love to her friends! It was not a constant feeling but came in short waves for her. I set out to get some help and advise! I went to every book... Yes, I did involve her in changing, bathing, holding, and she read to her. We did have her get a gift from her new sister in the hospital. I tried to spend as much time with her alone as possible. I talked with her and tried my hardest to show her that my love for her had not changed! I 'let' her have these feelings and tried to show her the positive side of her sibling. Time seems to be my only friend in this situation!! I had read that bringing a new baby into your home was to a sibling the equivalent to your spouse bringing home a new wife and you being made to love and accept her!! I thought of this and still do when she has such bad feelings toward her sister! I have to say that I was desperate to find someone to talk with!! I went to the Epinions web site for help and after reading ALL of the reviews at that time found none to cover my situation! I tried ignoring what I could, anticipating and preventing undesirable behavior, rewarding desirable with behavior modification charts, spending one on one time and letting her know this was our special time and punishing. I have to say some worked and then stopped and I would have to try something else! According to God's plan our baby has now grown to be a happy, healthy and by necessity a very strong one year old girl! Time seems to be a major key in behavioral change! As my second daughter grew and changed my first grew to love her and appreciate her. I can see now that she is so protective of her and she likes to help her. She is proud of her and enjoys having her to play with. The sibling conflicts continue but I can see that my second will learn how to fend for herself and my first will learn that her sister has a will and the power to exert it! It just warms my heart when I see them cuddle on the bed or play the peek-a-boo game under the covers or when my first shares her precious 'silky' with her sister! I can appreciate the love they have for each other now and know that the road to peace falls with allowing them to be individuals with their own needs. It is important not to compare them to each other...they are not in a competition! Try and spend alone time with each of them on a daily basis...even if it is for a short book. I find that telling them that this is our special time helps them recognize it where they might not have pin pointed this on their own. As the baby is getting older I am trying to back off and see how she reacts to certain things and try not to intervene so readily! It is hard when they are young but as they age it is important that they learn to solve some issues on their own! I know this is very lengthy and if you actually have gotten to the bottom you might have a need or interest in solving some of your own issues. I hope this helps someone in some way...even if it makes you feel like you are not alone and your child has not been replaced with someone else's! I know I was searching for just that when my baby was young. I came from a family of 13 and know that the benefits of having at least one sibling outweigh the conflicts encountered. Keep your eyes focused on the development of character...yours and theirs!  |
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