Advice for those considering adopting openly
Jun 20 '00
To get the full story you may want to read the editorial I wrote entitled Life can never be simple... which summarizes my 3 month brush with being a birth mother.
I realize this is a touchy subject for people unable to have children. There are some who may say I have no right in giving my opinion or advice since I haven't been in those shoes. What I believe is that I do have a right since I was involved in an adoption process and I know what birth mothers need.
Remember that no matter what pain you've gone through being unable to have your own child..the birth mother is going through more pain having to give up her own child. Would you be able to make such a sacrifice? Imagine what bravery it takes for this women to do so.
Birth mothers are people too. What I ran into was adoptive parents thinking I was inhuman. They felt that I was nothing more than a baby machine with no feelings. They felt that because I was "sick" enough to give away my own flesh and blood that I was a terrible parent. If you have these same feelings..even for an instant please talk to the agency counselor and work through them. To have these feelings could mean trouble in the future.
If you think the birth parents need money don't ask them. For most people it's hard to ask strangers for money..even harder to admit it. Here they are, giving up their child because they can't afford to raise it, and the last thing they want to do is put themselves at lower status by accepting money. Instead offer to go grocery shopping..send gift certificates to them for grocery stores or maternity shops in their area.
Don't ignore the birth parents. It's okay to always inquire about the baby but don't forget that the birthmother and father are going through a lot too. Ignoring that may make both feel like their just two items that have to be bypassed for your happiness. Talk to them like you'd talk to your friends..after all, they should be your friends by now.
Don't tell the birth parents how devastated you would be if they changed their mind. To add that guilt on top of their shoulders may make for an unsteady relationship. You have to remember, even if they hurt you by changing their minds, that it saved this child's blood parents from a lifetime of pain. You'll be able to adopt another child and eventually forget the one you lost but if they were to give up this child to you when they didn't want to they would have been forced to live with that pain for life.
Don't exclude the birth parents from the child's life. If you wish to do this then you should consider private or closed adoption. Most women choosing open adoption are doing so because they want to keep in contact with their child. To deny them this right would be unfair. Sit down before the birth and discuss what you expect and what they expect.
I've always believed that everything happens for a reason. If your adoption is successful then it was meant to be. If the birth parents back out then perhaps it was for the best..even if you can't see that at the time. If you feel that you're not having luck in the USA try adopting out of another country. A friend of mine (Harrison Ford's brother actually) adopted a child from Siberia..he's an adorable little boy who was very lucky to have such loving parents adopt him. Children from other countries may be a different color..or speak a different language..but all know how to love.
Good luck in your search!
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