Adoption to change a Life
Nov 15 '00
Even before my husband and I married, we often discussed adopting a couple of children after we had biological children. So, it came as no surprise to anyone who knew us, when, after three biological children, we began the process of adopting two more children.
We had learned about two children, a brother and sister, who had been in foster care for the maximum time allowed by Ohio law. We became certified foster parents planning to "foster to adopt". We began the required visits and the process continued as expected ... slowly and anxiously.
Eventually, the children were placed with us as foster children. From the moment they arrived, they were "our children". He was 6 years old and she was 4 years old. We began the process of adjusting to a 7 member family. The first year was definitely an adjustment time, as both children carried a lot of baggage from their former lives. The adjustment was going better than a lot of older children adoptions and we sailed from a "foster" placement to an "adoptive" placement during that first year. We finalized the adoption about 10 months after the children first arrived in our home.
As we continued the adjustment, we dealt with the normal issues involved with adopting older children. Our 5 children were very close in age with only 4 years separating the oldest from the youngest... it was like having two sets of twins with the fifth child only 17 months younger than the two before her.
The amazing thing was, not many people could tell our biological children from our adopted children. All five children are blue-eyed blondes with tiny builds. Eventually, people began telling us things like "All your children look alike, I can tell they are yours!" or "The boys all look like their daddy, and both girls look like you!" We would just smile and agree.
We consider all 5 children ours and treat them all equally and encourage the five of them to do the same with each other. Occasionally, we have an insensitive person ask "So, which two did you adopt?" Our typical answer is "Adopted? Oh, I forget!" That usually stops that line of discussion.
Now, 9 years have passed since our son and daughter came to live with us. There has been a lot of tough times mixed in with the good. Our daughter has many behavior problems that seem to improve very slowly, often she takes 3 steps forward only to fall back 2 steps. She refuses to follow rules, and is extremely moody. She can look me straight in the eye and lie to me without blinking an eye. She sneaks and steals things from every member of the family. We have tried many ways to help her, but the bottom line is... she, at 12, does not care.
We continue to love her, pray for her, and guide her the best we can. Sometimes she responds, sometimes not. She continues to push me away. (in her past, we believe it was the mother figure that abused her) Our prayer is that she will be able to let go of the pain of her past and let the healing begin. (Friends... this baby was under 18 months when she was removed from her biological home, yet she has memories and baggage that haunt her!)
We have seen glimpses of the wonderful young lady that resides deep down in her soul, the one she refuses to let out. We pray that the wonderful person she has the potential to be will win and blossom! Needless to say, I cherish the few moments when she is loving, cheerful and happy.
Our son seemed to adjust more completely... until he hit the teens. Now, he seems to have dredged up his painful past. We are trying to help him deal with and accept his past. He has questions we have tried to answer as honestly and completely as possible (though there are still many details he is too young to handle at this point.) But, he doesn't want to believe he was in an abusive situation. He feels that his biological parents loved him and therefore could not have allowed anything to hurt him. The truth is, they did love him and his sister very much, but there were many circumstances that prevented them from taking proper care of children.
He has taken to accusing us of favoritism, saying that he only has to do this or that because he was adopted. It doesn't matter that all 5 of the children have age appropriate chores that we require them to complete. It doesn't matter that he is older than 3 of his siblings, they should do MORE than he does. He gets angry when we hold him accountable for completing his chores just as we hold the others accountable for theirs.
Beneath the anger, he too, has great qualities that beg to be let out. We see him being a great worker, strong and proud to do a great job. He will be any employer's dream employee. He loves joking around and teasing all of us. He is friendly and polite. My prayer is that he will allow his natural joyfulness win over the anger. I believe a lot of the current difficulties are due to the kids' ages, but it is magnified with these two because of their past.
At times, I have wondered if we were crazy to take on two more children. But then, I remind myself of the circumstances they came from and my heart breaks all over again. I remind myself that we took on these two lives to change them for the better, to love them, to rescue them from the path they had been forced to endure. We have done that and their lives have changed because of it. They still have a long way to go, but at least we are here to guide them and pray for them. What breaks my heart is the fact that there are thousands of abused children out there who may never have a place to really belong.
We have given these two children a chance to better their lives, many opportunities are open for them that would not have been there without us. Through the tears, struggles and pain, we try to focus on the successes, the joys, and the love. As with any child, we as the parents, can only strive to guide, love, teach and mold them into the adults we wish them to grow into.
With adopted children, more patience is required because there is always baggage that follows them, the past rears it's ugly head at unexpected times. Somewhere along the road, they will have to deal with it and put it to rest. We must be willing to guide them to proper sources of counseling and help. We must equip all our children to become responsible adults. Ultimately, though, the life choices are up to the child, adopted or not.
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Epinions.com ID:
Mobie7
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Member: Lorrie
Location: Ohio
Reviews written: 33
Trusted by: 6 members
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