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A Stitch in Time: Take Nine!Jul 12 '00 (Updated Jul 17 '00) Write an essay on this topic.Where the heck do you take nine kids for vacation? You may be thinking that 9 kids is something you would rather vacation FROM, not WITH, but my parents actually LIKED spending time with us. At least, I think they did, but you never really know what people might do if they had the cash. If the size of your family now rivals that of a small scout troop, as mine does, you may be considering camping for your next vacation. However, you may be hesitant because you lack the proper equipment and camping experience that you feel may be necessary for a successful trip. Luckily, I have related here my own camping experiences to help you decide whether you should embark on such an ambitious undertaking. Besides, “Esther” is just an alias, so there is little chance of you successfully tracking me down for retaliation if this turns out to be the biggest mistake of your life. What could be better than a little family bonding in the great outdoors, away from all the hustle and bustle of cell phones, the TV, the video games? But let’s not go TOO overboard. There are some sounds that I, personally, am unwilling to part with, such as the melodic flush of the toilet bowl. Perhaps this stems back to having to trek to the latrine on the family camping trips of my youth… My own earliest memories of camping date back to the days when we got our first moldy, smelly, and as we were soon to find, leaky tent, donated no doubt by some pitying member of the faculty where my father was and still is, a highly revered and respected professor of Spanish. For a family of our size, which included 9 kids, a badly-trained dog, miscellaneous stray cats we took to feeding, and various short-lived rodents, there really weren't a whole lot of vacation options. Camping was one of the only vacations we could afford with the least chance of our being ejected. Our camping equipment consisted of a propane lantern, 2-burner propane Coleman stove, and 2 “hobo pie” makers, plus the aforementioned moldy tent. We also owned quite bit of fishing equipment, which in addition to bike riding and swimming, provided the necessary element of daytime fun required for a camping trip. What, you may ask, is a hobo pie maker? Basically it consisted of 2 square, cast-iron plates attached to metal poles with wooden handles, in which you placed 2 slices of buttered bread (butter side out) and filled with anything you wanted in your “pie” – cheese alone, peanut butter & jelly, sauce & cheese for pizza, pie filling, etc. After clasping the mess shut, you then shoved it into the hot coals and waited the appropriate amount of time, and there you have it – hobo pie. Yum! This was perhaps the culinary highlight of our camping experience, and something which I highly recommend as a camping necessity, whatever your budget. We also were the proud owners of yet another faculty cast-off, the infamous "Tinkerbell II," a highly unseaworthy (actually, not even pondworthy) rowboat with a buoyancy more closely resembling that of a colander than something allegedly designed to float upon the water. We always postulated that the "Tinkerbell I" must have been a vessel of even less flotation, like a lead sinker, perhaps. Voyages in the Tinkerbell II were of necessity, brief, and a fishing expedition always a slightly dangerous undertaking, since the 3-man crew required to operate the fishing vessel was dangerously close to the maximum weight capacity. Fishing itself was accomplished on a rotation basis, with one rowing, one bailing, and one fishing, The rower had the uneasy task of mentally calculating the length of the voyage, using such parameters as the weight of the passengers, interior water level, bailer fatigue, and distance to shore. One suggestion if you plan to fish: bring wire cutters. This will facilitate the removal of stray fishhooks caused by the overzealous casting of young fisherpersons. I really wish we had had some around when my brother accidentally snagged a duck by the bill. Although, probably not half as much as the duck. Swimming and biking were at least activities we could engage in which required relatively uncomplicated equipment. That is, provided you remembered to pack your bathing suit and that there was room for your bike once the van was loaded. You also had to be vigilant about allowing sufficient time for your towel to dry as these were a one-per-customer item, and if you let yours get musty or dirty you were SOL. Evenings consisted of a campground movie, if we were at a campground offering such a treat for kids, otherwise, the campfire lit to prepare dinner would be kept going through the evening, and serve as the focal point for the entertainment. That is, if you call singing, telling stories, and passing gas around the campfire entertainment. Graham crackers, marshmallows, and chocolate bars for preparation of s’mores were must-have items, as were hot dogs, as these could be easily cooked over the fire after acquiring and stripping of bark a stick of the proper strength and length. No evening would be complete without the family firebug (every family has one) poking either themselves or someone else with a hot poker or stick, trying to asphyxiate us all by burning some polyethylene product, and/or attempting to burn down the entire campground. Sleeping was accomplished by trying to stake out an area in the tent that appeared least likely to get wet during the inevitable rainstorm. This could be achieved by a combination of bribery and threats, as well as invoking the privileges of birth order, calling to mind the old adages, “Rank has its privilege,” “He who hesitates is lost,” and, last but not least, “Sh*t flows downhill.” What camping trip would be complete without critters, such as bugs, skunks, raccoons, and/or bears eating your garbage and trying to steal your food? This can be especially disconcerting if someone in your party has hidden a hot dog underneath your tent in the hopes of luring and capturing such a creature to keep as a pet. However, you just might enjoy this, depending upon how close to nature you wish to get. One last note: when it comes to camping, spontaneity is the key to assuring good weather. Any camping trip planned longer than 3 days in advance has a 500-fold increased likelihood of encountering foul weather. In fact, scientific studies have shown that planning in excess of one month in advance may actually contribute to the formation of such natural phenomena as tornadoes and hurricanes. My own personal experience involved our most ambitious camping trip to date, approximately 1 year in the making, when an actual tornado ripped through the park, thankfully sparing our campsite. It was, however, close enough to keep us from camping again for several years. As you can see, you don’t really have to have a lot of money to enjoy a family camping trip. But it will most certainly increase your likelihood of success if you are easily amused, can eat meat which is charred outside and raw inside, and have a high tolerance for discomforts such as body odor, heat, humidity, dirt/mud, and bugs. Enjoy!  |
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