Divorce a Delicate Balance of Choices
Mar 08 '00
Oh Boy! Here's a topic that's hard to cover. There are probably almost a zillion reasons out there why people say they are getting divorced. But, ultimately it comes down to the end of a relationship, for whatever reason. The end of being able to live together. Whether you wanted it or your spouse did or you are choosing it together, once you're divorced there is an end even though you might still have to deal with each other for the rest of your lives. If you have children this is quite possible.
The key here is how you are going to deal with it! Here again we have choices. Believe me, I write this from experience, and I am not saying anything here flippantly or lightly at all! I am very aware of how hard this decision is to make. This is a VERY difficult time even when it's completely amicable. There always seems to be a "rub" of one kind or another as the process proceeds. If there wasn't you probably would not be choosing divorce to begin with!
I realize that some will say this is very easy to say since my divorce was fairly amicable. I know some divorces get very ugly and I could easily see why while I was going through mine. Believe me it wasn't always easy keeping it positive, the daggers wanted to come out several times. It's an emotional roller-coaster even when it's amicable. Then to top it off you have to decide who gets what, things you saved and purchased together, treasures, all kinds of things you never realized meant anything to you until "they" wanted them. Personally, I just kept trying to tell myself the "stuff" could be replaced. I wanted to get through it and somehow remain friends or at least civil. I know down the road, with three grown kids, our paths will continue to cross. Most of all I didn't want my kids hurt by this decision if I could possible help it.
My advise is to get through it with as much dignity as possible. To do your best to keep it as amicable as possible and be honest and fair with each other. This is especially true if you have children! They will be watching carefully! They will be making decisions about relationships in their lives (and they will probably be unconscious decisions) by how they see you deal with the divorce and each other. Kids feel they have to take sides.......do your best to let them know that they DO NOT have to do that. That this does not affect THEIR relationship with either of you. Kids also, and this doesn't matter what age they are by the way, feel that they are at fault. It is important to make it very clear to them that this is totally between you and your spouse. When my husband of thirty plus years and I chose to divorce, it was my 32 year old who thought it was because of her.
My ex and I had done an enormous amount of relationship work over the years because it really interested us. That made our separation a great deal easier in that we did not come from blame! We saw that there were things we were not going to get past and we chose to move on. There were, of course, a few bumpy places during the divorce process but they were minor compared to what we had seen others go through. We have done our best to support each other in our new paths and we have managed to remain friends and even have dinner with each other occasionally.
Our kids have been very supportive and I truly believe this is in part because my ex and I have been supportive of each other. I think this also relieves them from feeling torn between the two of us. Well, in my humble opinion, that's how I see it! To anyone out there in the middle of this difficult decision......I wish you the best and urge you to be honest and fair and as amicable as you possibly can!
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Member: Zo
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