raising a gender aschematic child
Jun 20 '00
[note: this was an essay I wrote -before- having a child, for my women's studies class. I now have a 2 1/2 year old daughter and although I have caved in to pink clothes occasionally (she has very short hair and I got tired of the "how old is HE?"), I have never dressed her in bows and fluffy clothes -- I still take my own advice. You will also notice that I use the term "hir" throughout this post to refer to him/her. This is a practice I picked up on the newsgroups and refers to both genders. I am pleased to note that I have been consistent with my daughter to these original goals. It isn't so difficult to raise your children unstereotypically -- give them a love for -themselves- and it won't matter what gender they are!]
I remember the first time my friend from high school told me. I was wearing my hair short, cropped in a step and dyed purplish-red. I was a little overweight and wore androgynous clothes because they were comfortable. I didn't paint my nails or wear make-up; my jewelry was simple and limited to a few rings. "Don't get offended by this," she said, "but you remind me of Pat on Saturday Night Live. 'It' [this person] kinda looks like you."
At the time, it did offend me, although I pretended it didn't. The first thing I thought of, however, was how my grandmother would react to such a statement. After all, I had been raised as her princess, my long hair brushed to fine silk and often braided in a crown on the top of my head. She had insisted on lace and fanciful clothes until I was old enough to refuse. Attending a patriarchal school had forced me to wear a skirt or dress 5 days a week, but the rest of the time was mine. It was in one of those more casual moments that this comment was said.
As I ponder raising a gender aschematic child, this memory comes back in full Technicolor. The statement wasn't meant to hurt, but it did. It hurt me because I felt unattractive and like an "it" rather than either a s/he, but it also hurt me because I was worried about how my family would react if they heard it. I almost felt discovered; found out. I had tried to make myself unnoticeable and androgynous to avoid being raped/molested (I have a long childhood history of abuse), and it apparently had been working.
I would hope that my attitude towards my children would always be one of acceptance. It is my desire that my child never be forced to be anything s/he isn't; that s/he has the freedom to explore hirself in all areas of her mind and body. I hope to prepare myself to accept whatever my child chooses as right for hir.
Giving my child a fair start is important. What this means to me is that my child is given equal opportunity as an infant, toddler and throughout childhood. Should my child be a female, I would not immediately paint her nursery pink; nor for a boy would I immediately use blue. My desires would be perhaps a purple or green; with crayola color accents. Bright, bold colors and patterns would be appropriate, to encourage the mind rather than gender.
I would probably give my child many gender neutral toys. I've never been a big doll fan, but my child wouldn't have any unless s/he specifically asked for one. I would encourage the arts: coloring, dancing to music, playing music (I am, after all, a piano teacher), building things out of legos, as well as other thought toys. I would also like to encourage their creativity (as well as my own) by making some of their toys, and helping them to make their own. Scientific experiments, making home-made play dough, all of these things would provide additional outlets for creativity.
Should I have a daughter, I will never dress her up in stiff starchy dresses with too many buttons and big cumbersome bows. While some pant outfits and a few dresses appeal to me, most children's clothes are so blatantly male or female it nauseates me. I resent turning children into living dolls, and forcing them to restrain their play activity because of their clothes. As they get older, they will have the freedom to dress as they wish; I suppose I shall have to reconcile my attitude with cuteness if that is the path my daughter takes.
I will teach my son (should I have one) to respect women, and to treat them as equals. In my experience, most male children have that natural instinct, but it is smothered by their parents (particularly fathers, who insist that "boys don't cry," and who want their male sons to be carbon copies of themselves). My son will be allowed to choose his own clothing, and play with purses if he so desires.
I hope that in my child's playthings, I can be a creative model of thought and originality, and a catalyst for my child to explore the world around hir. I hope never to limit my childís imagination to playing house, or some other equally gender molding activity.
I believe that the television and movies affect a child's gender a great deal. While I would allow some videos and movies, I would make it clear to my child where I stand on the issues, and have a discussion time both before and after. Disney has done their share of making girls desperate, beautiful princesses and making the boys strong, handsome rescuers. I do not want these concepts affecting my child, and while I cannot control hir school's input (to a degree), I -can- control our home environment and familial gender influences.
I do think it is important to help give my child some identity. Should she be a female, I would teach her of strong women throughout history, and help her establish a sense of community as a woman. Should he be a male, I would teach him of intelligent, sensitive and respected men throughout history (starting with his father), and help him establish his own community as a man. A tremendous fear of mine is raising a genderless child, and I think a history of who they are is important to helping them with their identity. Confining that identity, however, or dictating it according to society, is wrong.
It seems a fine balance to walk; intertwining the biases of school and society into my own personal beliefs. I would hope that should this be my task, I would never pretend to know it all, and be willing to find support and advice outside of myself. Most of all, I would hope that I would be proud of my child; regardless of who sie is. And if I were to find out someone were to call hir Pat because of her apparent lack of gender, I would hope I would wrap my arms around my child and conspiratorally whisper, "we sure got 'em, didn't we?" I would hope they would agree.
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