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Losing the light.Apr 11 '00 Write an essay on this topic.Where can I begin on this subject? I will begin with my story. I am a woman who has the ability to get pregnant, and now I have found out, I have the gift to give life to a child. I have given birth to one child, and one child only. In the future, I hope to accomplish this task once more and have a little brother or sister for my daughter. Let's just say Mackenzee was a miracle. I have been pregnant a total of four times that I know of, with one successful birth. Lets start off in the beginning. I thought I was in love with this boy, being 18 and all, I was pretty self absorbed and blind about the reality of the real world. I had sex for my very first time and I got pregnant for the very first time. We were excited, I thought, until something went wrong in my fourth month and I lost the baby and everything I had right at that moment. I had lost my parents respect because I was a practicing Catholic and I had premarital sex which is a no no in this religion. Most religions do not promote premarital sex, they should not, abstinence is the best policy when you are not sure what the world is about yet. I had lost the babys father, he no longer wanted to be with me. I lost his parents who were on his side and left me too. And I lost my very first child, which I felt move a couple of times before it passed. My life was going downhill and fast. I met this man who I thought took over my former boyfriends place. He was my friend, though, and I thought I could get him to commit to me. He did not want to commit just for the fact that I was a play toy and he could have me whenever he wanted me. I was blind again and stupidity ruled my world at this time in my life. This was a night that I would never forget. I went to go visit my drunk friend and his companions. I should have left when I noticed that one of them had a gun. Never thinking anything about it, I fell asleep. The next thing I knew I was half naked with someone on top of me and three guys holding me down. There was something metal at my head and I think at my side, they were guns and ready to use. I was being raped. I could not believe it, just laying there. Letting these men take advantage of me and I could do nothing but lay there. I was helpless. Over and over again, one after the other. I could not move, I just finally got so shook up that I passed out and woke up alone, in a pool of sweat. The deed was done and there was one seed left and it made a child. I had such a hard time dealing with that fact that I got rid of this child by abortion but I could not have this in my face all of my life. I realize now that I could have given this child up for adoption but being selfish again, I did not at the time. I would change everything I did and make it better now if I could. Now, being married and having a daughter. I realize the preciousness of children and actually having one. Its special and no other feeling is better. I have had one miscarriage since I had my daughter and it left me feeling the most empty. It was right after Mackenzee was born and I wanted to have that baby more than anything but I didn't know I was losing a baby until I went to the doctor and they told me I was losing it. It broke my heart. It wasn't my baby, it was a brother or sister for my daughter now. I will feel this way no matter how many babies I lose. God plans these things out and I realize its all for a good reason but it hurts and theres no band-aid for this feeling. I am happy to have my one precious child though, like I have said before, many couples can't have one. I am lucky enough to have just one. With this story, I want you to take with you this. Miscarriage is hard, yes, but there is always a better plan for you in the end. Trust me on this one.  |
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