I did it because I wanted the best for you, Allyson!
Mar 19 '00 (Updated Mar 21 '00)
After three months, I just knew it, I was pregnant again. But yet, I couldn't be. I already had one child, I was barely making it. I was in school full-time...... THERE WAS NOOO WAY I was pregnant!!! Or so I tried convincing myself.
I walked into the pregnancy clinic, once again, knowing already, but still needing a test to confirm it, Knowing those that knew me would be so disappointed. It took me several weeks to get used to the idea of another life inside me. What was I doing? Why me? How could I have been so dumb? What about my other child?
After three or four weeks, the result of my test began to sink in. I was pregnant, and nothing would or could have changed that. I called the abortion clinic, and set up an appointment. After all, it's not a baby, it's not a human, it's just a blob of tissue, right?
I'm thinking to myself, this will all be over in 3 days. After three sleepless nights, I walked in to the abortion clinic, for my intake appointment. The lady was very nice, and wow, according to her, this was going to be so easy, and so quick. In no time, it would be all over.
After talking for several minutes, I agreed to watch a video. According to her, I didn't seem strong on my decision. Little did I know, that video changed my mind, for good. There was no way I was going to kill this child inside me. There just was no way.
I didn't know what I was going to do. Once again, my life was totally out of my control! A week later, I met with a pregnancy counselor for the pregnancy center. After talking with her, and being a single mom of one, I knew. Adoption was my only choice. So for the first time in several months, my mind was somewhat at ease. This was my chance to make better of my life, stop drinking, stop using drugs, and be the mommy my child deserved.
One night, in a chatroom, someone was talking about the adoption of her children. While we were talking, she mentioned that her friend was trying to adopt. After hearing about this couple, I agreed to talk to them, and thought this was the family for the baby. Several weeks before the baby was due, they called to say they were not interested in adopting at this time. Later I did find out that they were introduced to a birthmom pregnant with twins. Once again the why's set in. WHY now??? WHY me??? WHAT next??? WHAT am I going to do NOW?
I called my counselor and told her what happened. She gave me a number of an adoption agency here in town. I called and set up an appointment to meet her, talk, and look at several profiles. After looking, and reading about each couple, I chose two couples I was interested in meeting.
On Saturday morning, I met the first couple I chose. We talked about our lives, who they were, but there wasn't that "click" there. So I met the second couple, and within twenty minutes of talking, I knew they were the parents for the baby. We spent several hours that day talking, and went to lunch together.
On Sunday, we talked on the phone, and decided to meet for dinner Monday night, allowing them to meet my daughter, who was just over a year and a half old. We talked daily, sometimes several times a day. I was due in a month and wanted to know EVERYTHING there was to know about Terri and Jim.
On December 15th, 1996, I started having contractions off and on. Thinking they were Braxton Hicks, I did my normal daily thing. I went to class; after all it was the week before finals. I went to work, did my normal shift. At about 2am, as I was checking email, I felt my water breaking. Ohhh my gawd!! I called my doctor, and called the counselor at the agency.
I went to the hospital, where Terri and Jim met me, along with Judy from the agency. After being alone when my first was born, it was really neat to have Terri THERE in the my room during labor. Judy stayed in the waiting area with Jim, and they both popped their heads in now and then.
At 6:39am on December 16th, 1996, Allyson made her appearance to the world! I have to admit, this was one of the worst days of my life. The reality of having to give up that small, beautiful, and helpless little creature that I had carried in my body for nine months hit me so hard. Terri was the first to hold her, and words can't begin to describe how or what I was feeling.
I tried being happy, as Terri and Jim were now something they weren't before, a complete family. But this little being I carried for eight and half months had just left my body. I never did hold her in the hospital. I just couldn't do it. Terri spent most of the day at the hospital, holding her baby, and checking on me. Finally at 5pm I couldn't stand it anymore. I NEEDED out of there, and SOON! I wanted to be home. Judy came in and we talked. I cried like never before, and once I signed the papers releasing the baby to Terri and Jim's care, I was able to go home.
We had planned to have an entrustment ceremony the next morning, as that's when we were both being discharged, but I wasn't able to do it. I did write a letter to Allyson, (which she has in her baby book, waiting to be read), to Terri and Jim.
When I got home, I kept to myself. My daughter was still at a friend's. I needed to just have time to think and be me. Judy drove me home, and after an hour or so she left. It was then it REALLY set in.......... I had empty arms. My whole pregnancy, I didn't, rather couldn't let myself get attached to the baby. But once she was born, reality was she was mine. She came from my body. I spent that entire night in tears, and online, "escaping real life".
The next morning, my friend brought my older daughter Haley home. The first words out of her mouth, as she lifted up my t-shirt were, "Where Baby?" Honestly, at that moment, I wondered if I was doing the right thing.
Here I sit, three years later, and I still wonder at times if I made the right choice. Yes, at times I still feel the pain. But I have to admit to myself, Allyson has so much more than I could ever give her.
We have a VERY open adoption, and Terri and I talk on the phone often. We visit them, do things together often. Allyson knows who I am but does not have the understanding of adoption. A few months ago, we were at the mall together, and she had to tell everyone that would listen... "That's Khrys..... she's my birthmom."
As for my other daughter, who just turned five, she has a better understanding, yet more questions. She wonders why Ally is 'lucky' to have two mommies, if she will ever have two mommies. Several times, Haley has asked me if I love Allyson more. But I think she understands, more than I do!
I don't know what our relationship will be five or ten years down the road, but I can honestly say, open adoption is the only way to go. I can't imagine having the daily thoughts of wondering what she looks like, what she likes, is she talking, what's her favorite color. I want to be there when Allyson wants to know why I chose to place her, and not parent, or any other question she has.
I don't want to make it sound easy, as it's far from it. And sometimes, part of me wonders if it would be easier if I didn't have as much contact as we do. But in the long run, I feel our relationship is best for Haley and Allyson both. Some times, it seems like I gained a "family", and not that I lost my baby.
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Epinions.com ID:
DaBugsMom
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Member: khrys
Location: SomeWherein, CO
Reviews written: 1
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