Birth Parent in an Open Adoption
Mar 02 '00
When I was 23, I was the divorced mother of two small children. When I found out I was pregnant, I decided that the best thing I could do for the baby I was carrying and my existing children would be adoption. I couldn't stand the thought of just giving the baby up to a "void", though. I talked to an adoption agency that did what they called open adoptions - this consisted of me looking at a few letters from prospective parents, and picking one. These folks would be contacted and if they were still interested, the baby would go from the hospital to a foster care situation (they called it "cradle care" until my rights were legally relinquished (I think that's at 6 weeks, but I don't remember for sure), then the parents would take the baby home. The idea of a tiny baby having to adjust to bonding to 3 sets of parents (me, then the foster parents, then the adoptive parents) was too hard to bear.
So I happened to mention to an acquaintance that I was pregnant and wanted to find an open adoption situation. He said he knew some people who might be interested. I met these people, and liked them immensely. I decided I'd like them to be parents to the baby, and after thinking about it for awhile (they'd been heartbroken on the adoption rollercoaster before) they decided to adopt the baby.
We discussed how open the adoption would be. They offered to send me periodic updates and pictures, but I declined. My only concern was that I know where this baby was going, saw and talked to the parents - I didn't feel it was my right or need to continue contact after the birth. I did keep the possibility open that my mind might change, though.
During the pregnancy, the adoptive mother and I became close friends. She was my Lamaze partner, and when I was on bedrest for premature labor, she came over every day to keep me company. Since I thought of the baby I was carrying as theirs, not mine, my big concern was the loss of this friendship when the baby was born!
The adoptive mother had decided to get a room at the hospital so that she could bond with the baby right away (which, from my above concerns, you can see that this was a good thing in my opinion). We also decided that when the baby was born, they should hand him to her instead of putting him on my stomach, since I didn't know if at that moment I'd be as comfortable with the whole thing as I was while pregnant.
When the time came, the doctors left the hospital during my labor (they didn't believe me that I push out a baby in less than 5 minutes), so the nurses barely caught the baby before he hit the floor, so he ended up on my stomach anyway. But it wasn't a problem. I still felt strongly that he was their baby.
After thinking about it for a bit, I asked the adoptive mother to share my hospital room, since otherwise we'd be in each other's rooms all night anyway, talking. She agreed and shared my hospital room during my stay. This gave the nurses conniption fits! Just too strange for them, I guess, but they kept whispering to me if I was being coerced into the adoption!
The new family did encounter some oddities when leaving the hospital, though. My friend had to be wheeled out carrying the baby, and an older woman approached her to ooh and ah over the baby. She asked if labor was difficult, and my friend replied that it wasn't for her, but she'd really have to ask me, and explained that it was an adoption. The older woman cooed and asked if I was a young thing (her words). When the adoptive mother replied that I was 23 and had two children of my own, the older woman was aghast. In one second I had gone from a wonderful person to a horrible monster. How could a woman in her twenties with children of her own relinquish a child for adoption? This attitude bewilders me!! I've run into similar things with other women - when I mention that I relinquished a child for adoption, they say things like, "Oh! I could never carry a child for nine months and then give it up!" The implication is that somehow I loved this child less to relinquish him. Loved him less to give him two wonderful, loving parents in a stable, secure home? I don't get the thinking!
As far as my friendship with the adoptive mother, we still talk on the phone several times a week, and see each other several times a year (she lives outside of town, so getting together is more difficult than we'd like). Her son calls me "Inky" (short for incubator - it was my invention - I thought it was cute when he was a tiny baby, and didn't think about it again till he was saying it!). He knows I'm his birth mother, and he knows that my children are his birth-siblings. He loves to tell his friends that he has lots of brothers and sisters (I have since remarried and had 3 more children) when they tease him about being an only child. They call him a liar till they talk to his mom! He and my oldest daughter and love to get together and hang out.
I have never regretted my decision. One of the best moments of my life, that still brings happy/proud tears to my eyes, is shortly after the baby was born, and he was in the little plastic bassinet under the warming lights, and the new parents were leaning into each other, looking down at their new son. To think that *I* did that for them!
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Epinions.com ID:
jazgordon
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Member: Jaz Gordon
Reviews written: 32
Trusted by: 7 members
About Me:
I'm a single, work-at-home, homeschooling mom.
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