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Parents Anonymous: A 12-step ProgramSep 06 '00 (Updated Jul 03 '01) Write an essay on this topic.
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The Bottom Line It's not about letting go or losing anything. It's about growing into a new stage of your relationship with your children. One in which more is gained than lost.
So my parents are looking ahead to an empty nest next year. This is what i'd tell them. (Actually i am telling my mother, she's a member) Mom, Dad, this is what you've been waiting for for 24 years! Why the long face? After all this time of being a parent, living your children's lives vicariously. Being there for every tear and smile and tantrum. Giving advice, whether it's solicited or not. Being entirely consumed by the affairs of your offspring. Now you have a chance to live your life again, and you're crying? What gives? The way i see it, you have an addiction to parenting. You have been doing it for so long that when you think of letting go, you get the shakes. This is nothing to be ashamed of. By following these twelve steps, you will be able to break free of the chains of being a parent and become a whole person again. 1. Admit that you are powerless over the need to parent. You know you do it. When you see your child going out into the wide world, your immediate inclination is to bring them back and protect them. Or (if you are like my mother) you feel an intense desire to go with them, to hold their hand and stand behind them, just in case they need you. It's ok. Just admit to yourself that this is a natural response. You can't help it, no one can. 2. Come to believe that a Power greater than yourself could restore you to sanity. Yes, your sanity. You didn't even know you lost it, did you? In this case let's just call the greater power life itself. Your children will get older, you will get older. Accepting that this is a force that you are unable to stop, will help you to see your life and your children's lives in the grander scheme of things. You can't hang on to the past just as much as you can't predict the future. 3. Make a decision to turn your child's life over to your child. Yes, relinquish your need for control. I think that this is one of the most difficult things to get over. As a parent, your main responsibility was (past tense) to control your child's environment. When they were younger you controlled what they ate, what time they went to bed, how much TV they watched, etc. As they grew older, you told them what movies they could see, when they had to be in at night, which friends you approved of and which you didn't. Most of the time fruitlessly, but it was your duty to at least try. Now that your children are grown, you have no control over their lives. When you see them doing something you know will not be successful, it is not your job to let them know how to do it right. They may come to you for advice, but rarely take it. Your job now is to accept that it is not your job to control your child's environment anymore. You don't have to be perfect anymore. 4. Make a searching and fearless psychological inventory of yourself. Now that you are freed from living your children's lives for them. You must learn to see your self as a person separate from your children again. You are a deep and multi-layered person. You are not defined by your children, nor are they defined by you. You friends don't have to be the parents of your children's friends. Your interests do not have to be limited to whatever your children are studying in school. This can be uncomfortable for some people. It is like an ex-smoker who doesn't know what to do with his hands. Embrace this new chance to get to know yourself, and your partner. You might discover interests that you never knew you had, or ones that you haven't thought about in 20 years. 5. Admit to yourself and to others the exact nature of your addiction. What exactly is it that you miss about being a parent? Obviously you miss your children, but what exactly is it that you do that makes it so difficult to let go? Are you a control freak? Do you need to know everything that is going on? Do feel that your children's lives are more exciting than your own? Now wait, don't be so hasty. Of course you love your children, remember, it is only natural to feel separation anxiety. But take a good hard look and tell me there isn't something else you miss, too. Even if it is just the action, or the sound of voices in the house. Now tell someone else. Tell your spouse, your children, write an Epinion and tell us! Just get it off your chest. 6. You are entirely ready to remove all these defects of character. (Bear with me, i'm trying to stick to the format) By defects of character, I mean the part of you that misses your child, not because you miss them as a person, but because they took up space in your life that you don't know what to do with now. It is just the next step after admitting that you were addicted to parenting and had trouble letting the "parenting" part go. Are you afraid to let your child see you as a peer? If you are you need to address this. Take action to rectify the situation. 7. Admit your shortcomings. Now take a look back and admit that you weren't always a perfect parent. Try to take stock as objectively as you can and realize that some of the decisions that you made regarding your children might not have been the best ones. Realize that you were better in some areas than others. Remember that you cannot change the past, and your children's future is up to them. 8. Make amends to your children for the harm you may have caused them. (Take credit for what you have done right) Basically, just talk to your children about their experiences as your children. If you ask them earnestly, they will most likely give you some funny stories, as well as tell you some of the things that hurt them. By talking about it, you will all feel better. Bringing it out into the open will ultimately bring you closer as a family, and ease you into the next stage of the parent/child relationship. 9. Make direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. I got nothing. not every analogy is perfect... 10. Continue to take personal inventory and when you were wrong promptly admit it. This is just a matter of maintenance. Now that you have realized that your addiction to parenting may be stunting your child's personal development, pay attention to the things that you have identified as harmful. If every time your child calls you, you stay on the phone in a one-sided conversation for two hours when they obviously have work to do, but are just humoring you because they love you, you need to step back and ask yourself if you are succumbing to your addiction, or are you actually talking to your child as an adult whose company you enjoy? Be careful of taking too much interest in what your kids are doing. If, when they have a project or a problem, you feel the need to swoop down and take care of it, take a step back and consider your motives. Is this really in the best interest of you or your child? If you find that you just can't help yourself, talk to your children about it and let them know that you realize your problem. 11. Seek to improve your understanding of your situation, and seek the power to live it. It will be a constant struggle to believe that what you are doing is goo for all involved. There will be plenty of times where you know that protecting your children is the right thing to do. In some cases it will be. In most, it is probably better for you to take a back seat while your kids figure it out for themselves. Some lessons you just need to learn the hard way. Like you can't stay up all night and expect to ace that exam you have in the morning. (If you think i'm wrong, how many times did it take you to learn that lesson?) 12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, try to carry this message to other addicted parents and to practice these principles in all your affairs. As a result of taking a good hard look at the reasons that you are feeling "empty nest" anxiety, I hope that you have realized that it is, in some way, an addiction to a certain kind of lifestyle. One that you will never really experience again (don't even get me started on grandkids). I hope you learn to accept your children as the adults they are, for their faults and their virtues. I hope that you allow your children the same joy of knowing you as a whole person. Addendum I wanted to emphasize one point that the creative nature of my chosen medium did not allow me to explore. That is, this will not only be tough on you, as a parent, but it will be very hard on your children, as well. Remember when they were five and they couldn't decide if they wanted to be a "big kid" or still a "baby"? Same thing. Your children will have panic attacks, and come crying home looking for their safe, familiar home. You will be there to make them chicken soup and listen to their problems. It might not be as clear cut as that, though. It will be hard for them to come home, especially after the big to-do they made about leaving in the first place. The most important thing to know is that, whether they call or visit or not is not a reflection on you. It is not your fault, it is not their fault. You must let them deal with their own demons, because they have to come to terms with them, themselves, before they will be ready to talk about them with you. Same goes for you. You must understand the origins of your own anxiety before you can act on it in regards to your children. Trust me, sometimes a little misplaced love can do more harm than good. Let me leave you with this. It is not about letting go, or moving on, or losing anything. It is about growing into a new stage of your relationship with your children. One in which you gain much more than you lose. So don't fight it. I know this was long. I guess i had more to say than i thought. And mom, if you got this far without picking up the phone, congratulations! Now call me, I miss you. Thanks for reading and please leave comments! The format of this opinion was indeed taken straight from Alcoholics Anonymous's 12 steps. (www.alcoholics-anonymous.org) My apologies to anyone whom this has offended. I actually do see some correlations, but it was by no means meant to belittle the situation of alcoholics and their families.  |
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