I AM NOT IN LOVE WITH DADDY
Jun 07 '00
As my 12 year old daughter walked into the bare apartment with a puzzled look on her face, I was desperately trying to think how best to break the news that this was going to be my new home.
That was 8 and 1/2 years ago and it has not been an easy road at times. I had three children, 12, 7 and 5 years old and had been married to their father for 14 years. It was never a good marriage. I had married at 17 to escape an unhappy situation at home. Of course I didn't realize that I was running from one problem to another.
My parents divorced when I was young. There were 4 of us children and the hardest thing about it that I remember was the absence of my father. He was not allowed to be a part of our lives. He had done a horrible thing by leaving my mother and to punish him his children were eliminated from his life. I was determined this would not happen with my children.
Keeping the lines of communication open with my children, letting them know on a daily basis that I loved them , and being honest with them I believe helped us all. There were times when their fathers bitterness spilled over and terrible lies were told to the children. If the children asked a specific question, I would answer them. I did not hide things but I also did not fabricate stories or degrade their father. Believe me at times this was extremely hard to maintain. Yet the memory of being fed hatefulness about my own father, making me feel unloved because I was a part of him, was enough to keep me in control of my tongue.
As a result my three children are now 20,16, and 13 and I am proud to say that they are well adjusted, happy children/young adults. There is still the desire for the "norm" at times for them.Yet having remarried and now having three younger siblings for them to shower with love and attention makes this a very happy stable home.
My ex-husband has not been able to maintain a healthy relationship with our children. He calls and chats every two months or so. But having been abusive to the children and not supportive of them has in the long run broke down the father-child bond. I am saddened by this for my childrens sake and frequently ask them if they want to call their dad, or remind them of a specific holiday coming up. I cannot make their relationship work, as much as I want to. Hopefully one day, maturity will kick in and things there will improve.
To sum I would recommend to any parent going through a divorce these few tips. You are divorcing your spouse, the children are not divorcing their parent. Keep the lines of communication open, be remindful of your child's level of maturity and what they can understand. This does not mean you tell them daddy has been sleeping with the maid. Details are not necessary if they tear down the other parent. Never degrade the other parent in front of your children. They are a part of them and this transposes to a child "If mommy hates daddy, and daddy is a part of me, then mommy must hate me too." Don't forget to let your child know that no matter what you love them and the other parent loves them too. Lastly, laugh a little at yourself..if you can do that life won't seem so burdensome.
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