Carry Them Out Screaming!
May 22 '00
Who has not seen the screaming, foot stomping, arm flinging child in a store with an anxious-eyed adult trying to coax them out of their tantrum, giving in to their demands, or worse yet, yelling AND hitting their child to get them to just please shut up!!! Maybe you have had an even more personal experience, and you have been the adult in a similar situation.
What is it about temper tantrums in public that can make us feel like the whole world is looking at us and judging us? "Look at that child!" "What a horrible child!" "What's wrong with that parent?" "What did she/he do to that child?" "Must be a bad parent to let their child act like that!" "I'd never let MY child get away with that!!" Do those words sound familiar either in your head, or possibly even coming out of your mouth about another adult in that situation?
If you are a parent, baby sitter, caregiver, grandparent, teacher, or anyone directly involved with children, you have experienced a temper tantrum. Tantrums seem to go with the territory. They are going to happen. It is what you do about them, and how you react to them that can change the course of events. Feed into them and you'll see lots more. And, believe me, we all have our weak moments, when we really just want to avoid a "fight," to just have a quiet time out; we give in to our child's demands. No-one is perfect. I admit I have given in. I also admit that giving in can bring on more outbursts later on.
I have carried my kids screaming out of a store in the midst of a tantrum. Sometimes tantrums are just plain old tiredness, and you have to be alert to the need to let your child nap or rest, forgiving them outbursts that stem from fatigue. It is the tantrums that are just displays of anger, frustration, and childishness (and they are children don't forget), that we really need to deal with. A nap will not cure this type of behavior.
I do not claim to have the answers for every parent. I still am faced with tantrums, but my husband and I are working together on what we will do when faced with a temper tantrum. Working together is a key if you share the responsibilities of child raising, either with a spouse, significant other, or your parents. Everybody needs to be consistent on follow through, not only to give your child the same message, but to not confuse your child and give them the opportunity to "pit" one person against the other.
Being consistent in how you react and what you expect is a key component in stopping or reducing temper tantrums. If you allow tantrums some times, and give in some times, or get angry and yell or hit other times, your child is not going to have good clear messages of what is and is not acceptable behavior. Temper tantrums will most likely increase in frequency and volume. Dealing with developing good behaviors while the child is young is a whole heck of alot easier than when they are teenagers, and maybe bigger than you! haha
Make the "rules" clear to your child. Let them know (in kid language) what is acceptable and what is not acceptable behavior. Try to avoid the terms good and bad. We are not putting this on a personal level---we are putting this on a clear factual level. For example, When we go in the store, I do not want you to run, leave my side, yell, or grab things. We are going in the store to buy groceries. We are not going to buy a toy in this store today. I want you to stay by me, if you see something you want, ask me before grabbing it. And so on . . .
In sibling terms, your rules could be that you do not allow hitting, spitting at each other, calling each other names, etc. Explain why this is not allowed and what the consequences for their behavior will be. Always remember the age of your child. They are not adults--give kid appropriate punishments.
Prepare them for what you want to happen. Let them know ahead of time what you will be doing in this store. See if they can repeat back to you what they think they just heard you tell them. Do they understand the big rules are to not run around? To not grab items off the shelf? That this is not a toy buying mission? If they do not understand the rules, you can't expect them to follow them.
Do not promise them toys or candy if they "will just be good in this store." What is this teaching them? They will quickly learn that acting up a little will get them good rewards. The older they get, the bigger the good rewards become. Your job is to not reward poor behavior. Your job is to be consistent, and follow through, even if it drives you nuts! haha
Treat temper tantrums matter-of-factly. If home, you can ask them to please go to their room if they want to have a tantrum. Let them know that this behavior is not acceptable. Tell them when they are done with their tantrum you will be happy to talk with them about what is bothering them. Reasoning, coaxing, promising goodies to a child during a tantrum does not bring on any positive results. Remove them from the scene, especially if out in public----"This behavior does not belong in the store. We are going back out to the car until you can act appropriately."
Make it their decision to change their attitude without bribes, and without physical or verbal abuse from you. Children need to learn how to deal with frustrations and anger in a way that society accepts. A temper tantrum can become a learned behavior---"I act really horrible, stomp my feet, yell and cry, and I'll get my way." Life does not work that way. Prepare them by showing them how to talk about their feelings, how to express what they are feeling.
Remember, you are the all important role model. How you behave and how you react is being observed by your children. Hitting them because they hit, or yelling at them to be quiet teaches them the old "Do as I say, not as I do." If it is ok for you, the most important person in their life, why is it not ok for them? It may actually be harder for you to change YOUR behavior then it is to change theirs! Think about it!
My husband and I use time-outs and take away privledges for poor behavior. We do not take away food, love, hugs, time spent with us -- instead we take away things. Things like watching cartoons on TV, their Game Boy, going to a toy store. They are warned about what they will be losing if they do not stop their behavior (whatever it may be at the time). Once taken away, it is gone, usually for 1-day. In some cases, we let them know that they can "earn" it back later if their actions let us know that they are really trying. You want to be consistent, but you don't want to turn into an old orge either!
We were all kids once, and kids do kid things. Having temper tantrums are a normal part of your child's developing emotional, psychological, and social skills. Let's help them through this stage using positive feedback with consistent rules so they can learn how to deal with their frustrations appropriately. Make the rules and "punishments" kid-sized, and dole them out with love, not anger.
Talk to your doctor, clergy, friends, teachers, the health department, etc to gather support and to gain better understanding of the stages children grow through. If you feel anger, and want to inflict verbal or physical abuse on your child, seek help immediately. You are not in this alone. There are lots of people to talk to and to help you find another way. Physical and verbal abuse is the worst possible lesson your child could learn and live through. Get help before it gets to this point, or if you have already been there, get help now!
I know I have not seen the last of temper tantrums, but my husband and I have a game-plan we are following. Being prepared and knowing what YOU will do in different situations will help you when the time comes to follow-through. Believe me, you'll have plenty of opportunities! haha
Best of luck to you!
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