An Adoptee Speaks
Dec 17 '00 (Updated Nov 23 '03)
The Bottom Line Adoption in this country needs a severe overhaul to make sure the bests interest of the child are served, not the best interests of who has the most money.
I can't help it, I'm just not a big cheerleader for adoption. Every time I see a TV show extolling how wonderful adoption is, I just want to scream. The kicker for me was a Larry King Live show I saw a few months ago which had on a group of celebrity adoptive mothers. Larry even asked them "Is there a dark side?" to which the response was "No, all you need is love".
That is not to say I am anti-adoption. There will always be a need for it. There will always be people who cannot or will not parent children they have brought into this world or are about to bring into this world. My main problem with the whole situation is that we've romanticized adoption in this country and swept "the bad stuff" under the rug. Oftentimes, adoptive parents are blamed for the adoptee's unhappiness when they seek out help.
I always knew I was adopted. It was just something that was. When I was younger, I thought it was great; that it made me special. As I grew older and learned "the facts of life", there were a couple of facts about adoption that I came to realize:
1) I was my adoptive parent's second choice. No, they never said anything to that effect, but it is a fact that most adoptions only occur when the adoptive parents can't "have one of their own". This is a fact. I have accepted it.
2) My birth parents did not want me. I was "an accident".
3) My feelings on this whole situation did not matter.
Huh?
Right.
We give big lip service in this country about adoption being in the best interest of the child, but in reality it's not. Until the time comes when we take the money out of the adoption industry, it will continue to be about a supply & demand situation. The adoptees' feelings and needs are not considered. We are told to be "grateful" for our lives and not to hurt our adoptive parents by seeking out our birthparents, no matter how much we might have those feelings. Or, we are told how rude it would be for us to disturb our birthparents' lives - that they have moved on with their lives and forgotten about us. As someone I know once said: What woman can forget that she gave birth to a child?
What would go a long way to curing some of the ills (besides taking the money out of adoption) would be:
1) Making Open Adoption Agreements Legally Enforceable. I have heard horror stories from birthparents who entered into an Open Adoption agreement, only to have the adoptive parents disappear soon after everything is legal. Some unscrupulous agencies/facilitators actually tell this to their clients.
I am for Open Adoption from a personal standpoint as well. Had I been able to ask my birthmother directly the questions I had in my teens instead of relying on other people's insights, my feelings would've been quite different. As it was when I did finally get to talk to her, it cleared up a lot of the misconceptions I had about her and her situation at the time.
2) Give Adult Adoptees Access to Their Original Birth Certificates. I had my OBC because of unusual circumstances surrounding my adoption. I carried it with me for years, until my wallet was stolen. It meant that much to me. At 18 (or 21) we are adults. We are allowed to vote, we are allowed to die in service to our country, we can drive a car, we are allowed to drink at 21, but we cannot be trusted with a piece of paper????
Yes, I have heard horror stories of adoptees who go back and harass their birthparents. This is wrong. Just as stalking anyone is wrong. It is a crime and it is punishable under the law. That does not mean that because of a few bad ones, we should all be discriminated against. I know who my birthfather is. I know where he is. If I need medical information, he responds to my questions, but that is all there is to our relationship. I do not stalk nor harass him, it's as simple as that. We're not psycho-stalker-lunatics. This would also help with uncovering the unscrupulous agencies & facilitators out there.
3) More Awareness of Adoptees Issues. When I went into therapy for my depression in my teens, I bounced around because no one seemed to be helping. It wasn't until I made the connection in an adoptee support group and realized that there were other adoptees who had the same issues I did that I felt a burden lifted from my shoulders. The problems did not go away, but at least I knew where they were coming from and I could deal with them better. No longer did I think I was crazy, but I realized that what I felt was "all right".
I hope I haven't offended people, I don't want to. I want people to be aware. I was adopted, and I'm proud of it. Just look beyond the sugar-coating that is out there and discover what's beneath the surface. And if you're an adoptive parent, be ready and willing to help you child with these issues. Put their feeling first, not yours. Make adoption truly about what's in the best interests of the child.
© 2000 Patti Aliventi
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Member: Patti Aliventi
Location: Mount Washington Valley, New Hampshire
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