|
Member Advice Summary
|
An Adoptee Speaks
by AliventiAsylum | Dec 17 '00
Adoption in this country needs a severe overhaul to make sure the bests interest of the child are served, not the best interests of who has the most money.Return to opinion
|
|
|
|
|
Comment |
Sorted by
Date Written |
A Birthmother's Thoughts (Reply to this comment)
by myownwoman
I did not give my children up for adoption; they were taken from me by the state. The reason was neglect although no one involved in the case could tell me how I neglected them. I think of my children every day, and I miss them so much my heart hurts. I am on antidepressants due to my children being taken from me. I have read some of these stories, and I cannot wait for the day to come when my children come looking for me. I think of the questions they will ask. I wonder if this pain will ever go away. My children were both wanted; I lavished love on both of them. I never felt loved by my parents, and I didn't want my children to feel that way. I hope and pray that my children won't hate me for losing them. Losing them sent their father into a depression too painful to watch; I think losing the children helped a great deal in us breaking up. Their father even signed his rights away because his lawyer told him that if he did this, that I would have a chance of keeping them. What greater sign of love can a man give a woman? Our children were the best thing we ever did; they were our hearts. We had so much fun with them! I still carry around a piece of a necklace of my daughter's and a half a nut that she gave me at a visit. I hope the adoptive parents know how lucky they are to have such beautiful children. Just because I lost my children doesn't mean that I don't have my maternal instinct; it's just cut and burned like when you have a tubal ligation. I feel like I failed them. I wonder what they will look like as they get older. It hurts when I'm around my friends who have kids.
|
Dec 13 '03
4:42 pm PST
|
|
Adoptive Mother's Side (Reply to this comment)
by blueeyes145
Reading your story brought many things to mind about the years I raised an adoptive son. One thing I haven't seen in the comments from others is what we as adoptive parents feel. The first 5 years are the 'honeymoon years.' Then the world came into play for me, I had to worry about outsiders making comments that I would have to explain to a child that the world considered abandoned by his birth parents why he was special.
Many times and occasions through the years of raising this child I felt inadequate as a 'real mother' because I didn't bring this child into this world and questioned whether I had done the right thing by bringing him into this dysfunctional family of mine. Along with all of those worries came the teen age years and what behavior was acceptable and what was not, not to talk about the choices he made through the more difficult years becoming an adult, or through the troubled years of a marriage and divorce he went through. Now I get to worry over my adorable Grandchild who he is making ill advised choices about. To make it all seem simple is easy to do but for it to be simple is not. My point is we adoptive parents who love, nurture and cherish an adoptive child have feelings also and sometimes feel unaccepted by the child as their parent. There are always different sides to every story, please remember that.
|
Jul 08 '03
4:36 am PDT
|
|
Re: We're+not+all+desperate,+we+adoptive+parents. (Reply to this comment)
by AliventiAsylum
Not all adoptive parents are desperate, but have you seen some of the websites and ads out there? In some ways it's really scary. Then there are others who either on their own (or at the advice of an agency) promise a woman anything until the child is legally theirs, knowing that she has no leg to stand on.
I don't believe that biology is the only determining factor in deciding who your parents are - but I do believe that a lot of adoptive parents have a hard time facing the fact that someone else gave birth to their child. There is a biological factor at play here which people tend to discount a lot when it comes to adoption - while all the time it is extolled on various family heritage websites talking about how far back one's bloodline goes. It took until I was in my late twenties to realize just how awful I felt about the whole situation in society - after years of playing "the good adoptee" and never vocalizing how I felt. If more adoptive parents understand how these little slights make an adoptee feel and allow a child (adopted or otherwise) to express their feelings without criticism or defensiveness, then maybe we'll get somewhere.
There was just a show on Court TV that made me cry about an adopted girl who ended up murdering her mother. It turned out that in her birthmother's family was depression in the mother, an aunt, and both grandparents. The girl is very obviously mentally ill and needs help. Her entire (adopted) family turned their back on her. Instead of trying to help her, they have completely cut her off. At the sentencing (since she got jail time instead of help) all her mother's family talked about was how much they were affected by what she did and how awful they felt about losing this woman. How do you think this girl felt? And now she is completely abandoned by them... I wonder if they would've treated their biological child the same way, or do they sit around going "If she was ours biologicaly, this wouldn't have happened?" The girl even admitted that she hated going to the family reunions because she never felt like she belonged there.
I do think adoptive parents have a higher standard because someone is saying that they don't feel they can give this child a good enough life and want someone else to do it. Never realizing where it was coming from when I was younger, I alway said that if I had a child I wouldn't give it up because if someone was going to screw up her life, it was going to be me. I saw too many in my generation that ended up with lousy parents, unfortunately. I'd say the odds were maybe 50/50 that you'd end up in a decent home. Placements were done mainly on the basis of money and religion.
I've gone on too long already, but my main point is to try to make people think a little about the dynamics involved and understand a bit of what goes on.
|
Aug 23 '01
4:47 am PDT
|
|
We're not all desperate, we adoptive parents. (Reply to this comment)
by bigjohn77
I read a lot of pain in your comments, and I grieve for your sorrow. I agree with many of your points, especially about how celebrity adoptive parents should just SHUT UP. The adoption story belongs to the child, not the adult, and they have no business discussing it.
We may be an exception, but my wife and I adopted not because we had to, but because we wanted to. Fertility was never an issue. We were matched with a baby, as birth parents are also matched with what nature gives them - nobody has a choice of offspring, only to have one or not. I love my daughter with all my heart and soul, and have done so since the first time I held her, and I always will. She IS my daughter, as I am her father. While I agree that adoption records should be open, and I would never discourage her in her identity search, I disagree that biology is the determining factor in who a mother or father is. Parenthood is a sacred trust, and it's all about who is willing to pick up that heavy burden of responsibility. DNA is bull. Love and responsibility are what it's about.
|
Aug 22 '01
9:06 pm PDT
|
|
Re: The+other+side (Reply to this comment)
by AliventiAsylum
Yes, there were points in my life where I would have rather my mother have aborted me than have been placed for adoption.
It took me having my own child to really change that for me. I could get into the psychology of what some theorize is the reason I've done it, but I won't.
And my birthmother wanted to know who I was. For 10 years she waited while people in the middle prevented us from contacting each other.
Sealed Birth Certificates are an illusion of safety to birthmothers. Adoptees find them all the time, despite the sealed birth certificates; despite having given false names at the time of surrender. I know who and where my birthfather is. I found both of them by myself without having my Original Birth Certificate, and he has a common name. I have not hunted him down nor stalked him. He has provided me with medical information when I needed it. If an adoptee harasses anyone they should be treated just as any other person should be. Most birthfathers aren't listed on the birth certificate anyway - would you make it illegal for the birthmother to give the birthfather's name to the adoptee?
Maybe if you tried going through a pregnancy where they were asking you all sorts of family history questions, you'd understand. I feel that is honestly owed to anyone who is surrendered. There is so much that depends on genetics nowadays. At this point, if I didn't know my birthparents, I would be feeling very guilty about having kids myself and subjecting them to the great unknown in family medical history.
|
Jun 24 '01
4:38 am PDT
|
|
The other side (Reply to this comment)
by nivera
You have such a negative outlook on adoption, but try to look at the other side of things. You say that you were an "accident", but lots of babies weren't exactly planned, so what? Would you rather have been taken into a home with a bad-or resentful-mother? Or maybe abortion is a better option? As far as birth certificates go, there are many birth-fathers and mothers who go through alot of emotional turmoil after their decision. Knowing that the child won't be able to "hunt them down" certainly makes the decision much easier. Even if it is just for medical knowledge, that is a chapter in some peoples lives that they don't ever want opened, I'm sure you can understand that.
|
Jun 23 '01
10:27 pm PDT
|
|
Re: Amen. (Reply to this comment)
by AliventiAsylum
Thank you :-)
It is nice to see that the times are changing somewhat and people are more open to the idea of giving adoptees the same paperwork that every other citizen in this country has access to.
|
May 25 '01
1:29 pm PDT
|
|
Re: Thanks,+Patti (Reply to this comment)
by AliventiAsylum
Thank you so much! Your comments mean sooooo very much to me. Just when I am feeling somewhat discouraged, I helped out someone referring them with a search and hearing this from you!
It's nice to hear from an adoptive parent who has the same views of the adoption industry in this country as well!
Bless you for adopting those special needs - there are so many of them out there who need homes and so few people who will accept them. I know not everyone is cut out for it, but if just a few of the people who are willing to pay more than $10,000 for an infant would opt for this route it would benefit them tremendously.
Thank you again!
|
May 25 '01
1:27 pm PDT
|
|
Thanks, Patti (Reply to this comment)
by klywood
I have really benefited from reading all your adoption-related writings. I'm an adoptive mom of two and bio-mom of one, but we didn't adopt because it was a second choice, or because we were desperate for a baby and couldn't have one "of our own" (I really hate that phrase)... we adopted because God brought a baby into our lives and directed us to adopt her... then we adopted again for the same reason, only that time she was a very little girl who'd been very badly mistreated in a foster home and had resulting cerebral palsy from her injuries... but both times, it was simply because it was the right thing to do.
I, too, am disgusted with the entire adoption "industry" and I think it is very backwards in its supply-demand methods. Few people actually DO have the child's best interests as priority, and I think it's a stinking shame. I'd give just about anything to have a relationship with my girls' birthparents. I'm not afraid or threatened; I am not their only mom, and I think they have a right to know their origins and all the people who played a part in their existence. Bless you, Patti, for speaking up... and keep it coming. I, for one, am keenly interested in what you have to say.
Kris Wood
(klywood)
|
May 24 '01
8:35 am PDT
|
|
Amen. (Reply to this comment)
by nwinston
Although adoption isn't a second choice for everyone,
it is in most cases, you're right.
As for open original BCs, duh! Why aren't they open in
every state? They have been in England and a few US states
for a while and there are few problems. Let's do it
nationally!
Good luck with continued healing!
Nancy, proud resident of Oregon, an open records state
|
May 24 '01
7:10 am PDT
|
|
Re: MAYBE (Reply to this comment)
by AliventiAsylum
Chosen how? That is what I do not get. My parents were desperate for a baby - any baby. It was not like there was a row of babies and they said "I'll take that one." I was available. Had they "had one of their own" I would've been passed along to someone else instead.
Thank you for your comments and your wishes.
|
Dec 23 '00
2:23 pm PST
|
|
MAYBE (Reply to this comment)
by susiewho
Maybe you weren't "first choice" but you were most definately "chosen". I'd guess most children are accidents-not happily welcomed but put up with - or dumped or aborted. The women I know who gave up children were torn apart but knew it meant giving their child the kind of future they couldn't give them. I'm sorry to hear adoption is so negative in your eyes. Its been a blessing for all the parents of adoptees that I know. Your articel was v. touching
|
Dec 21 '00
10:28 am PST
|
|
Re: Sorry (Reply to this comment)
by AliventiAsylum
My point is that the "issues" in adoption are never dealt with. Everything is slapped with a coating of sugar and if you dare seek help or speak about it, you are generally treated like there is something wrong with you, whether you are the adoptee, the parents, or the birthmother. No one seems to want to hear that there are problems, but maybe if we'd listen to them, we could find a solution for them as well instead of simply shutting them out.
|
Dec 20 '00
10:58 am PST
|
|
Sorry (Reply to this comment)
by keithpruitt
This essay made me somewhat sad. It sounds like there are some issues that need dealing with here. While I agree that there are some negatives, think of all that love that has been shared through adoption. I feel it far better than the alternatives.
|
Dec 19 '00
6:39 pm PST
|
|
Re: :) (Reply to this comment)
by AliventiAsylum
Thank you so much! Happy Holidays to you as well!
Patti
|
Dec 19 '00
10:38 am PST
|
|
:) (Reply to this comment)
by djazz773
Big hugs from me!! That was such a great epinion! I saw your nameon my adoption review so I clicked it. I'm glad I did.
You have a safe and happy holiday season!
Dawn
|
Dec 18 '00
7:30 pm PST
|
|
|
|
© 1999-2009 Shopping.com, Inc.