My First MONTH of MOTHERHOOD - It's Starting To Come Together
Jun 10 '00
I have wanted 3 things since I was a little girl: a husband, a home, and children. In November 1997 I married my wonderful husband. On May 8th of this year we gave birth to our first child, Colin Joseph, after dealing with some fertility issues. On May 18th of this year we closed on our first house. My dreams are coming true.
So why did I not write this opinion this first few days of Colin's life? Or even the first week? Well, truthfully, because I was putting it off. Getting married and buying the house was cake compared to this.
Why?
Because I'd like to report how wonderful I am at everything. I'd like to type about a million wonderful moments, and all of the wonderful feelings I have, things that I've learned, ways that my life has changed. But truthfully I am still figuring many parts of this out, many parts of Colin out. I know this is "normal" and quite possibly my expectations were too high. But it still doesn't help certain feelings that creep up at times.
I had a lot of family help when we first came home, which in many ways was a blessing, but in a few has been a hinderence. It has prevented me in ways from getting to know my son. Plus Colin had a formula change and a few restless nights, causing me much concern. I cannot even tell you how many zillions of times I would sit by his nightlight after getting him to sleep and read through book after book on ideas about feeding, sleeping, and bowel issues.
So, why write this opinion now ? For 2 reasons.
1. I was rocking Colin last week during a night feeding at about 4 am. He was asleep and peaceful. I have spent so much time running around doing things that this was a rare ocassion when I finally "noticed" my child. What a peaceful angel he was. What a great gift I had. How my life's dream had become fulfilled. And I lost it. Yep, I sobbed like a baby, tears pouring all over him. I could not put him down, I just kept rocking and crying. This was, what I feel, my first instance of true love that I have had for my son. One of many I am sure. I finally realized what a blessing I was holding, and how he was mine. (ok, he's ours, but at that moment, he was mine .)
2. This morning and all of last night my husband had all of the feedings. Not that he does not help, but since I am on leave and John still works a full day, I do all the night feeding during the week, and he helps with some of the weekend feedings. But with all the company and home improvement tasks, he has done maybe the 2 am feeding. I awoke this morning at 8 am to my husband hovering over me asking, "When do you think you are going to get up?" I smiled, said, "Soon," and rolled over back to sleep until 10 am. When I came downstairs my husband handed me Colin and said, " He won't stop crying for me, He hates me." Of course, he loves his daddy, but daddy could not tell by Colin's little face that he was having bowel issues. So I gave our angel a bath and gave him some Karo syrup into his next feeding (recommended by our ped). I also took off all of his clothes except his diaper and held him against me. He fell right to sleep. "How did you do that?" , John asked. It was not a magical trick, I've just learned what my son needs by trial and error. It was one of the first times I realized how capable I am becoming.
This has been a new, wonderful, scary, enlightening, tiring, and eye-opening month for me. I have a feeling this is what motherhood is all about. I am glad to be part of the club.
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