Best Advice I Ever Got!Mar 06 '00 Write an essay on this topic.For me, the worst part of writing these opinions is coming up with a title: pithy, yet informative. How do I tell you in a few words what the article's about? Okay, so here's my opinion on one aspect of disciplining children. I have two of my own, now 5 and 7 (children, that is... not opinions). One of the best pieces of advice I ever received is this: If you don't intend to give the child a choice, don't offer one. Example (I saw this last month and just CRINGED): Mom says: "Hannah, it's time to go. Do you want to get your coat on?" Hannah says: "No." Mom gets frustrated, goes and GETS the kid, kid fusses and begins to throw a tantrum. Mom's behavior seems innocuous enough to her. What's the problem? The problem is: she gave the child a choice she didn't intend to follow-through with. DO NOT ask your child if they want to do something if it's not really an option. Better scenario: Mom says: "Hannah, it's time to go. Get your coat on." And possibly improved scenario: Mom says: "Hannah, we're leaving in 5 minutes. I'll let you know when it's time to go and you get your coat on then." (This way, Hannah is not taken by surprise with the bad news... Mom gave a warning of the impending change to Hannah's activity.) But sometimes children like a little sense of control in their lives. Who wants to be told what to do all the time? If you're in a situation where YOU have to have the upper hand, you can still allow for choices to help the child feel less... pushed around. Try something like: "Hannah, it's time to go. Would you like to get your coat on by yourself, or would you like me to help you with it?" Tada! Now THAT'S a choice. Everyone wins. It's not that parents intend to de-choice a child. It happens in such a natural way that it rarely is noticed. Once you become aware of it, though, you will begin to notice it more and more. That's what happened to me. Here's another simple enough example? Mom says to kid: "Ready to go to bed?" The implication is the child has a choice. I mean, what if he says "no"? Then you are stuck with only two choices: Let him stay up even though it IS bedtime and you wanted him in bed. Or two: Tell him he has to go to bed anyway, despite the fact that your innocuous question led him to believe he had a choice. Try this instead: "It's bedtime. Do you want me to read to you tonight, or are you going to look at a book by yourself instead?" OR... "It's time for bed. Let's brush your teeth then you can pick a book for me to read to you." OR... "We're going to bed in five minutes. Finish what you're doing then we can pick up your toys together before we head upstairs." Just examples. Hopefully you get my gist. If you don't truly intend to offer your child a choice, don't phrase it as such.  |
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