Birthfamily searches what they are and are not
Feb 29 '00
For myself growing up adopted I can remember getting mad at my parents and saying things like my real parents would not do that to me, or someday I will find my real parents. Those were the angry words of a child who did not get her way.
For many adoptees the need to connect with birthfamilies is a very real issue. I am not saying it is a need of every adoptee but it seems to be for the majority. I am addressing the adult adoptee, and not those under the age of 18, due to the fact that minor searches are a whole different area.
Of the many books written on adult adoptees (Betty Jean Lifton Lost and Found Dial Press 1979 is one such book), search and reunions. All touch on the feelings of having a hole in their lives and not being complete. So seeing this point is that search is not about replacing people but instead adding to.
So at this point I wish to give some advice to adoptees, adoptive families, and birthfamilies. First adoptees, if you are ready to search be open about it, take your time and move at your own pace. Talk with your adoptive family about your decision and let them know your are not looking for the possible greener grass on the other side of the fence, but instead adding more to yourself.
For the adoptive parents. I know to raise a child and have them say they want to find their birthfamilies it is hard and intimadating. Try your best to be honest in your feelings with your child. Try to see it from their point of view on how hard it is to even go to the Dr. and be unable to fill out the medical history of family form. To wonder who they really look like even though they may look alot like you. Try not to see the need to search as a reflection of you failing as a parent but instead see it as a success in giving your child the strength and drive to learn more about themselves and grow. Now a days many adoptive parents assist in the search, so that is an option.
For the birthparent. Once you are contacted enjoy your it. Again be honest with the adoptee. Think about your expectations are in the instance of a reunion, and once the reunion occurs talk with the adoptee about their expectations. Have copies of pictures of family members handy.
Finally on the comming together the adoptee, adoptive parent, and the birthparent. Take your time to do this, get used to the idea of having a name and a face. Try to see each others prospective. Again look at each others expectations for ongoing relationships.
You maybe wondering what happened with me.. Well, I reunited with my birhtmother almost 5 years ago. It has been great! I found out that on the information paper that they gave my adoptive family listing me as one cultural background, I am not that but instead another. My adoptive mom and birthmother (and also half sister) all communicate online as well as spend Thanksgiving together. We each see this reunion as adding to ourselves and family. For myself I am proud and love dearly my families, and am a much fuller better person for it.
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Member: Constance Underwood
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