I wish I knew the answer, son
Nov 22 '00 (Updated Jan 09 '01)
One of the most vivid memories I have is September 16, 1998 - the day my daughter died. I remember discovering her, calling 911, and the paramedics pronouncing her dead. Most of all, I remember my 2 1/2 year old son sitting on the couch, quiet, wondering what was happening.
I have learned through this 2 year struggle of grief that death is not something to be explained to a child only once. As I have watched my son transform from the toddler to the little boy, I have answered so many questions that I just wasn't prepared to deal with.
When my daughter died, I had no religious belief. As my son has grown up, he has asked many questions I don't know the answer to. As a result, I have chosen to take the honest approach. I answer every question, I have a four year old who understands the exact circumstances surrounding his sister's death.
How did it happen? "This I can answer." Why did it happen? "I don't know." Where is she now? "Clayton, I choose to believe she is in heaven. I choose to believe that Gabriella is with Jesus, and that she is watching over us." Why can't she come back? "Son, when someone dies we don't see them again until we die." I don't want to die. "I don't want you to die either, Clayton. I don't think you will die for a very long time. Most of the time people don't die until they are very old or very sick." I get sick. "Yes, but sometimes people get very sick and their bodies stop working."
Then I got pregnant. "Clayton, we are going to have a new baby." Is the new baby going to die? "I don't think so." But you don't know? (Oh, how I wish I could give him a guarantee!) "No, Clayton, we don't always know when someone is going to die. Sometimes it just happens." I don't want our new baby to die. "I don't either, and we will try to do everything we can to make sure that doesn't happen." Well, don't put the baby in the yucky bed. "The yucky bed is gone, Clayton, I will never put the baby in that yucky bed."
A few months later, Grandma Nixon died. "Clayton, Grandma Nixon died today." I don't want her to die! "She already did, sweetheart, she had an operation and her body didn't handle it well and she died." Where is she? "I bet she is with Gabriella, taking care of her. Now Gabriella has someone to play with." I don't want her to play with Gabriella. I want her to play with me. She can bring Gabriella too. "No, Clayton, she has died. We can't see her." I will get some high boots mom, and I will go way up up in the sky and I will get Grandma Nixon and Gabriella and bring them back. (wiping away the tears) "I wish we could Clayton, but we can't. They are in a place where not even high boots will go - they are truly happy now. There is no fighting, and nothing bad where they are. They are in heaven, with Jesus. And God loves them very very much and is taking very good care of them both, now they are just waiting for us." I'm going to miss my Grandma Nixon and Gabriella forever. "Me too Clayton."
I thought I was doing so well - just answering things as they came up. Then one day he said "Mom, don't worry. Grandma Nixon died but there is a new Grandma Nixon coming up - the new baby is going to come out and be everyone's Grandma Nixon." Oh wow - how do I even respond?
I followed a suggestion I got from a support group I am part of. I took a paper bag and some construction paper. On this paper we drew pictures of souls that we have loved whose bodies have died (the exact way I explained it to him.) We had Gabriella, Grandma Nixon, his dad's parents that he has never met, even Fluffy - a guinea pig that met an untimely death. We took these pieces of paper and placed them in the paper bag. We then crumpled the paper bag. Afterwards, we removed the drawings we had made. We talked about how our bodies are like a shell - the shell can become ruined but what is inside still exists. He seemed to learn so much out of this simple exercise.
Do I know the best way to handle death with children? No, and I won't claim to either. However, we have learned through trial and error what works for our family. Our house is an open home where the discussion of true feelings is not only allowed, but encouraged. My son seems to be very comfortable now with the concept of death - I just wish I could say more about myself.
If you want to learn more about how I have coped with Gabriella's death and some do's and do not's when dealing with grieving parents, I have an epinion at http://angelmommy.epinions.com/kifm-review-271E-28B58BF-39DFAC1F-prod2
For more details about my daughter's death and tips to protect your own child, please read my epinion on Toddler Beds at http://angelmommy.epinions.com/kifm-review-373A-34EA3397-39B2669C-prod5
I felt it would be better to include these links separately rather than try to include that information in this review. Thanks for reading
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Epinions.com ID:
hhassell99
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Member: Heather Sawyer
Location: Lakewood, CO
Reviews written: 56
Trusted by: 45 members
About Me:
Home Schooling, Breastfeeding, SAHM and a whole list of other qualities that annoy people.
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