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Confessions of a Divorced FatherNov 21 '00 (Updated Nov 26 '00) Write an essay on this topic.The “D” word, something no one sets out to have when they get married, but unfortunately many of us have found ourselves getting one. All divorces have their own twists, but let me give you mine. Hopefully, I will be able to pass on something positive that will stick with you. I got a divorce after 17 years of marriage. How it lasted that long, I’ll never know. There was no “other” person in either of our lives. Nor, were there any issues of physical abuse. We tried one counselor after another to try and help us salvage our marriage. But, our relationship had reduced itself to the point where we could not be in the same room without a bitter argument. So...it was a bitter divorce. My daughter was just becoming a teenager and my son was eight when we separated 10 years ago. The separation and subsequent 2 1/2 years of divorce proceedings was a sheer test of endurance, both financially and emotionally. Every time I would try and give a little, my ex-wife would take that plus as much more as she could. Subsequently, I became bitter, feeling that I was the only one working towards a positive settlement. I, always, paid my child support timely, plus extra if the need arose. Regardless, my ex-wife became bitter and did everything she could to keep the children from me. I became even angrier. When I saw my children, the anger that I had towards their mother shown through. I couldn’t seem to help it. I felt that I was getting the short end of the divorce. I would, always, be sure to let my children know how much I loved them. But I would, also, point out how unfair their mother was. Often times, my children would agree with me, so I thought that I was winning a personal battle against their mother. How naïve. My daughter would tell me every now and then, “Dad, I don’t want to hear it any more. Please.” But their mother would pull another vengeful stunt and I would spout off. “YOUR mother did... YOUR mother said...” Eventually, when I would call my daughter to go pick her up for the weekend, she would tell me that she had “other plans.” It got to the point where I wouldn’t see her for months, because of all of her “plans.” I started becoming angrier, because I assumed that their mother was behind all of this. One of the few times that I saw my daughter, I asked her, "Why don’t you ever want to see me?" Do you know what she told me? She said, "I don’t know who you are any more." How could she not know who I am? I am her father. The one who loves her so, very much. Kid stuff, even if she is a teenager. She doesn’t understand what I am going through. She just doesn’t understand. Then my son started having “plans.” It got to the point where I was seeing him less and less. As all of this went on, I would become more enraged. All I could think about was that their mother was turning them against me. Here it was, I was financially devastated and the most important people in my life were turning away from me. About six years ago, I meet someone special, my present wife. She could some how see right through me. At this time, I was not seeing my children very often, because of all of their “plans.” My wife could tell the anger and pain that I was going through, but she was always quiet about my “other life.” That is until I ask her advice. She told me to call my children and ask them out. I told her that I had done that, but they, always, had “other plans.” She told me to keep trying and whenever I get to finally see them...Never, say anything negative about their mother. Never. Oh boy, here was my new wife telling me this. Now I thought that SHE didn’t understand how wrong their mother was. What subsequently came out of our conversation was that I did not understand the implications of my own actions. No matter what their mother said or did, if I said something against her to them, I was indirectly or directly attacking them. No matter what happens, their mother is and will always be a part of them. A part of who they are. Good or bad. Then do you know what she said? She was angry with me? What? In previous conversations I had told my present wife, things that I used to do. How I used to think. She asked me, “So, what happened to that person?” My response? My ex-wife made me this way! She looked at me and shook her head. She said, "No. You made yourself that way, with all of your rage and anger. It’s time to take responsibility for your own actions. Otherwise, you are allowing her to control you even if she does not live with you any longer." She told me to take a long hard look in the mirror. She asked, "Is that the person that you want to be? Do you like yourself?" That took me a while to think about. But do you know? It made a lot of sense. I, actually, hated who I had become. My daughter was right. I didn’t even know who I was any more. My ex-wife had always been an easy target to excuse my behavior. So what did I do? I took back control of my life. Did I forget and forgive my ex-wife? I can’t go that far. But I can tell you that I gave up the bitterness and anger so that it no longer controlled me. That was not an easy task, but I did it. I channeled my energies to something positive. I went back to school. I became involved with school and sporting events in my children’s life. There were always plenty of things to keep myself busy and away from feeling anger and bitterness. I, actually, started becoming a happy person again. My children? About five years ago, I had a long talk with them and told them how sorry I was for being such a jerk. Unfortunately, they didn’t let me off the hook that easy. This was going to be a much longer process than I had hoped. They wanted to be sure that I was not going to have a relapse to my old ways. Finally, within the last year, my daughter has begun to speak with me again. But, unfortunately, she’s 23 years old and some guy has come into her life. Now I have someone else to contend with. But, at least, she and I are healing the wounds between us. My son came around a little sooner and our relationship has grown to a very strong bond. So let me summarize what I hope you can extract from my own stupidity and whatever else you want to call it. When getting a divorce, try to keep your perspective. I know that it is hard. Been there, done that. Don’t let your anger control your emotions and your actions with your children. You, potentially, have more to lose than your temper...your children. Believe it or not, your children feel every emotion that you do, plus the loss of their dream of a “Leave It to Beaver” family. In addition, if you allow this anger to consume you, you can no longer be true to yourself. You, too, may look in the mirror and ask yourself, “Who is that? I, really, don’t like that person.” There can be life after divorce, don’t let your anger and hatred from a divorce consume you. Take control. Re-channel that negative energy to something positive. Become someone who you like. And above all else, remember this...during and after a divorce your children need their parent, not that bitter angry person that you might become. So, be the adult and the parent in their life. Be someone who they can look to, for help and guidance.  |
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