Parental Alienation: the divorced parents' game
Jan 03 '01
Men are supposed to be the “victims” in any divorce and child custody issues, but here is a sad exception. This is about Parental Alienation—one of the more cruel games that divorced people play.
Cathy, a family friend, got blind-sided by divorce last summer. She’s a foreign national, has limited English-language ability, and thus did not understand U.S. law, her rights, or the implications of divorce. Her soon-to-be ex-husband took advantage of this. He and his attorney worked up one of the most unfair divorce arrangements that I’ve ever seen. He gave her the majority of the bills, kept all the marital property, and gave himself custody of their 7-year old daughter. Visitation was set with the single word “liberal”—an indefinable arrangement that is proving tragic to Cathy and her daughter. Finally, Cathy’s husband used the threat of deportation (among other tactics) to manipulate Cathy out of her right to legal counsel.
It worked. Cathy signed the papers although her limited English skills prevented her from understanding them. Instead, she trusted her husband’s explanation and even accepted his request to avoid the court appearance. In short, her ignorance cost her everything.
James, her husband, likes to play around. Cathy’s failure to meekly accept his extra-marital activity led to the divorce. After the divorce, he shacked up with another woman, but used that vague “liberal” visitation rule to manipulate his ex-wife to continue having sex with him. She finally wised up to the game and refused him any more sex. This is when the hard-core parental alienation began.
What is Parental Alienation? It’s when one parent, for various reasons, attempts to interfere with the relationship between the other parent and their child. It’s hard to prove, illegal, and devastating to the psychological welfare of the child. Parental alienation usually involves denial of visitation rights or interference with visitation. It’s a common tactic employed when one ex-spouse attempts to control, manipulate, or ‘get even’ with the other party. It takes on many forms:
· Interference or denial of visitation or custody rights.
· Denial of access to the child’s medical or school records.
· Preventing the other parent from attending school functions.
· Over-scheduling the child for after-school or weekend activities, creating visitation conflicts.
· Bad-mouthing the other parent in front of the child.
· Allowing the child to “choose” whether or not to visit the other parent, and providing exciting alternative activities that hamper with visitation.
· Monitoring telephone calls between the other parent and the child.
· Forbidding the child to keep gifts (clothes, toys, etc.) that were given by the other parent.
The list goes on, and on, and on. For an in-depth description of parental alienation, please visit the Divorce Support Page at http://www.divorcesupport.com.
The most miserable aspect of parental alienation is its devastating effect on children of divorced families. When my folks divorced, nearly thirty years ago, these kind of stupid games were part and parcel of divorce. My folks, decent people, both engaged in alienation tactics at various times. They didn’t understand the harm in their actions, which does not lessen the damage they did to their kids. Today, when I look at my siblings, I still see the scars left by growing up among squabbling adults. Failed relationships, self-esteem problems, difficulty in school, drug or alcohol misuse, and child abuse are all attributable to parental alienation. I’m frustrated now, seeing the changes in Cathy’s daughter, having been there myself. The child, already suffering from the divorce, just wants to see Mommy. She wants to have fun with Mommy without getting punished by her father. She already exhibits signs of emotional abuse—and this divorce isn’t even a year old yet. Imagine the problems she’ll have as an adult, a dozen years from now.
Cathy’s ex-husband, out of town for two weeks on business, left the child with his nineteen-year old girlfriend. He gave specific instructions that Cathy was not to see the child, nor was she to know where the child was staying. The girlfriend complied, of course. Cathy, frustrated and miserable, finally went to the police, who did nothing. “We’d like to help, but you have to go to court first. Get the judge to find your ex-husband in contempt of court”.
Dealing with parental alienation is a slow, painstaking process that begins by consulting a good attorney. Many States are poorly equipped to deal with it, failing to punish offenders like Cathy’s husband. There are weapons, however:
· Get it on tape! Cathy has fortunately recorded most of the conversations with her ex-husband, since the parental alienation began. The documentation is extensive.
· Consult an attorney as early as possible. Can’t afford it? Remember, if the other party violates the divorce agreement badly enough, they may well have to pay all legal costs when the matter goes to court.
· Request court-ordered psychological counseling for any children involved, and for the abusing parent. Include yourself, if possible.
· Stand up for yourself! Make it clear that the other party is violating the agreement, and make it stick by getting police intervention. Stalking or interfering during visitation is illegal and could result in arrest.
· Don’t let the offender make you feel like you are being selfish when you exercise your visitation rights. This is just another abuse tactic. See it for what it is.
· ALWAYS, try to maintain contact with the children. Visit them at school, day care, or wherever else the opportunity to visit occurs. Kids want your time above all else. If you maintain the relationship, the abuser has lost the game.
· Where appropriate, seek custody. Parental alienation is finally being viewed as a form of child abuse. In severe cases, the abuser can lose custody.
· Check your own attitude. Refuse to engage in alienating activity, no matter how mad you are at your ex-spouse.
· Above all, get support from friends, church, family, and the community. This is for your kids. Stow the pride.
People, if you engage in parental alienation, stop. The damage you are doing to your children, no matter how well intentioned, is considerable. The divorce was bad enough and your kids need both parents if they’re going to recover. Trust me on this; I’ve been there.
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Member: Dave
Location: Jacksonville, Arkansas
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