The Circle of Abuse.
Jul 02 '00
Bully, Teaser and Victim are three points around the same geometry. Many bullies are in fact victims seeking to gain power (in the wrong way) that they have been a victim of elsewhere or elsewhen.
I know this because I have been in each of the three roles of the cycle many times in my childhood.
For reasons far beyond the needs or scope of this editorial, I was an insecure child. I was taught by example that power and violence are the winning cards in life and I too readily learned to apply that lesson in my own dealings with fellows.
I had too much anger and hurt inside and too little control. Just in my primary school (5-11 years old) years I put 4 other children into hospital and it was not a thing I had intended to do in any of those cases. I never saw myself as a bully. In fact, my teachers didn't see me as a bully either, as it always required some kind of provocation to make me react. But you can bet the parents of the children did.
The simple fact was that I reacted to threats very badly, even where these may have been just teasing. I "got away with it" because most of the children I did hurt already had their own reputation as bullies. I only even remember being punished for one of the fights - and considering the boy had a suspected fractured skull, I got off exceptionally lightly.
As I grew, I got stronger and my lack of control for violent reactions grew more dangerous. My secondary school (translates roughly to high school) took a firmer line on all violence, and I did get punished for the fights I got into. However, the caning I took wasn't the same thing as the three teeth lost to the boy I'd hit.
Three things happened to turn this story around before I ended up some sociopathic thug in a cell. The first was that I nearly killed a boy. The boy had threatened me and I had reacted in rage as always. The next thing I knew, three of my friends were pulling me off the boy who was gasping for breath and totally out of it. I had strangled him with no sign of intending to let go.
The second thing was that I got out of the abusive environment I was in and went to live with my father, stepmother and half-brother. The third and most effective was that my father started me learning martial arts.
Teaching martial arts to a kid who is already overly-enthusiastic about violence may seem like madness. Truth is though, that although martial arts are by nature 'martial' in nature, they are above all else about self-control. That more than anything else was a lesson I needed.
Martial arts require a stronger degree of introspection and self-control than many would suspect. Much of the power of most martial arts comes from having the right mind-set, being balanced and sure footed in mind as well as in body. It also teaches confidence and self-knowledge which promotes self-reliance.
The three factors that caused my overly violent reaction to perceived threats were all soothed, calmed or brought under control. I learned to choose a reaction rather than have one dictated by circumstance. I learned confidence and no longer ever needed to 'prove' that I could protect myself. Most of all, I learned that I was responsible for my own actions and reactions, and that the paths I chose were my own choice, not an external directive. If I chose a wrong path then I was to blame for the outcome, no matter how strongly an instinct had (wrongly) directed me.
Self-confidence and self-empowerment are true keys to any and all positions on the circle of abuse. From these come the realization and the power to simply step off the carousel. If your child is a victim of bullying, or indeed is a bully, they are really a victim of feeling that things are beyond their control.
Teach your children to have faith in themselves, not you as parents or teachers or other 'guardians'. They are the ones who must choose how to react to circumstances that will occur in life, and they are the ones who must bear the consequences of the choices and actions they take.
This doesn't have to be martial arts training, though for many this is an excellent thing which will give them a wealth of knowledge and wisdom to carry throughout all parts of their lives. It simply has to teach them some of the same lessons. Know thyself, and to thine own self be true.
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