Adopting? Avoid These Mistakes!
Jul 06 '00
As the Director* of an adoption agency, I have seen prospective adoptive parents rush into the process of adoption with little knowledge and make some mistakes they were sorry for later. Most of them have just been through the agony of endless infertility tests and treatments, have become discouraged, and feel they have wasted a lot of time. Once they have reached the decision to adopt, they want to hurry into it because they have heard that the adoption waiting lists may be years long.
Adopting is an emotional rollercoaster. Prospective parents often feel they are running out of time. Because of this, and their trusting natures, they often fall prey to more problems than necessary. If you are thinking about adoption, or have already started the process, you need to know the following things:
Learn as much as possible about the different types of adoption, the adoption process, and issues of adoption.
You can never go into adoption with too much information. Adoption can be confusing because it covers a wide range of emotions, processes, laws, and issues. You are less likely to be taken advantage of if you go into it with the facts!
Learn what the adoption laws are in your state.
Every state, unfortunately, has their own adoption laws. This makes some adoptions very difficult if you don't know what your state requires. I have seen adoption placements fall through because the laws weren't followed, and the state wouldn't approve them. The adoptive parents lose whatever money they had spent and are disappointed and heart-broken. Since the Internet has become so widely used you would think that people would have more access to better information. Unfortunately, it often has the reverse effect. While researching adoption, prospective parents meet other adoptive parents on-line who tell them how to go about it; they may be telling them correct information, but is correct information from another state. There are adoption books available that outline the laws of all 50 states. You can also contact your state's Department of Social Services; each state's adoption laws and practices are governed by that particular state, and they are the best people to get accurate information from.
If you are going to adopt from an agency outside of your state, you will need to know your state's laws, AND the other state's laws.
I have seen some major problems because of this. The prospective adoptive parents think they have everything taken care of, and then when it's time for the Interstate Compact Approval, the placing state or the receiving state will not approve it because the legal requirements have not been met. For example, in Kentucky, it is illegal for adoptive parents to pay a "facilitator" (a third party) to "arrange" an adoption. In a lot of states this is legal, but not in Kentucky. I had a family recently who contacted an attorney who was listed in a Kentucky phone book; the attorney was in California and worked as a facilitator, in other words, he matched up parents with children. His fee was $6,000.00 to provide the parents with the name of a mother planning to place. This attorney provided the Kentucky family with the name of a birth mother in Indiana. They called her, and she agreed to place her baby with them. Now the baby is born, and Kentucky and Indiana have to approve the placement, and give permission for the baby to leave one state and enter another. The parents are all set to bring the baby home, and then all of a sudden, their request is denied because of the fact they had illegally (and unknowingly) paid this facilitator. The attorney refused to refund their $6,000.00 because he felt he held up his end of the deal by providing the name of the birth mother. So they are out $6,000.00 and still have no baby! This could have been avoided if they had taken the time to make a phone call to the Cabinet for Families and Children to find out what the laws were. This is not an isolated event, I see things like this happen all of the time.
Don't automatically sign up at the first agency or attorney you talk to.
Ask around, do some research. Find out what kind of reputation they have. Find out how many babies they have placed in the last few years. Ask them for some names and telephone numbers of adoptive parents who have adopted through them. Ask to see a copy of their child placing license. Unfortunately, because there is such a high demand for babies, the "crooks" have come out of the woodwork! Just because someone has a nice office and a pretty sign out front, doesn't mean they aren't going to take advantage of you! It happens every day!
Ask for a written copy of their policies and fees.
Unfortunately, with a lot of agencies and attorneys there are "hidden fees" that you are not told about until you are already in the middle of a situation. They spring these costs on you at a time when it is hard for you to refuse. For example, the baby is already born, you are already bonding, and then they tell you that you are responsible for the birth mother's hospital bill which is $8,000.00! Don't be afraid to ask about these things and demand to have it in writing.
Make a copy of any paperwork you provide to the agency/attorney during the approval process (home study).
If you are asked to fill out forms, write out a budget, provide a physical, personal references, etc., make sure you make a copy of it before you give it to the agency. Why, you ask? You may go through the approval process and then change your mind about that agency, or you may have an opportunity to adopt elsewhere in the meantime. Some agencies will cooperate and send all of your information to the new agency/attorney, but by law they don't have to. Whatever information that is gathered by the agency/attorney actually belongs to them, not to you. So if they won't share the information, then you will have to go through the whole process again. If you have made copies of some of the paperwork, that will be that many less things you have to gather again.
Well, I could go on and on here, but I think these are some of the biggest mistakes I see people make. Adoption can be a very beautiful thing so I hope I haven't scared anyone off! Just make sure you know what you are doing and know what to expect. I see a lot more successful adoptions than failed ones, but when they do fail it can be devastating.
For more information on adoption and infertility, check out some of my other epinions at the links listed below:
Post-Partum Depression & Adoptive Parents
http://goodbazaar.epinions.com/kifm-review-601E-A593D9D-39455F26-prod2
Infertility
http://goodbazaar.epinions.com/kifm-review-1664-BC7A00-39143B38-prod2
Birth Mothers
http://goodbazaar.epinions.com/kifm-review-1AC7-39C3062-390E1F7B-prod6
*I am a Director for a non-profit agency that has been in existence for 61 years. We do domestic in-state adoptions. I have worked here for eleven years. I am also self-employed part-time doing home studies for international adoptions and independent adoptions.
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Epinions.com ID:
Yzerman
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Member: Diane
Location: Louisville, Kentucky
Reviews written: 173
Trusted by: 391 members
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