The Discipline of Disciplining
Feb 01 '00 (Updated Feb 06 '00)
The key to constructive disciplining lies in two tasks, both of which are challenging to say the least: 1) defining what the function of discipline is in a child's development, and 2) refining your ability as a parent to maintain objectivity and consistency in invariably emotional situations.
These must go hand in hand and, together, make up a sizeable percentage of the overall responsibility of parenting. The reason for this is that your relationship with *anyone* on this planet, be it your own child or another member of your community, is continuously and deeply challenged by the issue of control. The issue of control is as elusive and complex as any you or I will ever face, and it has been that way since prehistory. Moreover, control is a "two-faced" issue, which gives with one hand and takes with the other, pressing, even forcing us to embrace it while simultaneously punishing us with seemingly endless complications and guilt. Mastering this "old grand dad" among the
inherent challenges of life is the essence of effective and appropriate disciplining.
Simply put, assuming the role of discipliner in the life of an impressionable child is personally assuming the shape of "The Law". Think about this for a moment. What is "The Law"? It is a standard. So being, it cannot be corrupted or else it falls from grace. What do I mean by this? I mean that a "standard" must stand as such, which means it must be an equal measurement of both the disciplined AND the *discipliner*.
I now ask you to think back to your own childhood. BE HONEST. What made you rebel the most against your parents' control? What immediately happened inside you when you figured out there were "double standards" alive and well and loose in the world and that your parents were not above them? I feel I can safely assume that the following thing happened: the "standard" that your parents appeared to be presenting quickly assumed a drastically different form. Instead of a standard, it became a "whim". This is *extraordinarily* important and as much as you or I (and I admit weakness here as much as anyone else) may want to slack off on this issue, the facts here will simply not go away. If the act of discipline becomes a greater and greater function of *personal whim* instead of remaining firmly rooted in consistent, fair and evenhanded standards, the ancient phenomenon of inappropriate control is *automatically* expressed, whether we like it or not. What's more, that inherently sharp and lively ticker inside any child's head picks this fact up faster than a jitter bug on a red-hot griddle.
One very important way to establish a visible dedication to appropriate control is to indicate to your child that you are accountable to a standard transcending your own whim. Accountability means openness and openness means explaining. Explain to your child why they are feeling an exertion of control at a given moment by you. I know this is a tough one and can sometimes seem like an encroachment on "parent's rights", so to speak, but I really feel it is indispensable to forming trust in authority figures. Even if your explanation is something as blunt as "Mommie finds that irritating, darling...", you will be saying symbolically to your child "I am the controller here and now, but I *owe* it to you as a human being to be accountable for my decisions of control, and so I will explain them to you."
In addition, when an adult acting in the role of parent assumes the shape of "The Law" in the eyes of a child, the level and character of emotion at that moment is critical. Guidance is a function of insight, direction, and wisdom. It simply offers no room for excessive emotion. Once again the "standard" is compromised by factors such as anger or ambition. Those are personal traits that *cannot* be mixed with the assumption of control in someone else's life, simply because they instantly change the attitude of that control. If control is assumed with excessive personal motivation, it becomes *personal control*, and I strongly believe this to be inappropriate in all relationships, including those between parent and child.
Parents, please do not be too upset by this. We are all people with personalities and few of us have achieved total command of our emotions at all times, certainly not me. But I beg you to believe me that these are objective facts. Appropriate control is always, always, always a sensitive, reactive, slippery, and at best poorly defined issue. You ARE taking it into your hands, not only when you discipline, but throughout the course of raising your children. You must reflect very seriously on this fact and come to your own conclusions (with help from friends, family, clergy, and/or any other teachers or philosophers that you respect) about what it means and how to approach it. I only write this in an effort to encourage you to carefully consider how intensely significant and far-reaching the role of "discipliner" is, and to realize that it requires solidity, nobility and character that demands ongoing growth and maturation in each and every one of us.
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