Tips For Successful Preschool Play Dates
Aug 07 '00
I have a high tempered, but highly social 4-year old son, who loves to have friends over to play. Adam is well liked and has a wide circle of friends, but inevitably conflicts arise. We have had a friend over to play one or twice a week every day this summer, and I have developed several strategies which have made play time more enjoyable for both children and which keep to keep Adam’s temper under control.
The Pre-Arrival Discussion: First of all, we discuss they type of behavior that is expected before our friend arrives. Our simple rules include:
When a friend is over playing, try to play what they want to play.
Share and take turns with toys.
Use polite words.
No running in the house.
Play quietly is the baby is sleeping.
No throwing things in the house.
I make sure Adam knows that no physical fighting and no temper tantrums will be tolerated. We also discuss any type of behavior that has been a recent problem. If these things do occur, Adam is already aware of the consequences. The consequences usually are the removal of a privilege such a television, computer time, swimming with daddy, or not friends over for x amount of time. The possibility of an early bedtime is also effective.
We put away Adam’s most prized toys: Certain toys are very prized possessions to Adam. No matter how much previous discussion we have, he will get upset if someone else plays with them. I have found that the best approach is to just put these away where no one can play with them when friends are visiting. Some parents may think this is a cop-out, but I disagree. Even as adults we have prized possessions that we wouldn’t what other to use. Why should children feelings be any different?
Keep the visit to an acceptable time limit: Two to two and a half hours seems to work the best for an adequate play date for us. I always want to leave both children wanting more, not sick and tired of each other. The time also varies with the friend that is visiting. Adam plays well, for long period of time with some of his friends. With others, the time together needs to be limited. This has become basically a process of trial and error.
Transportation: Play dates seem to work best when we go pick up our friend at his house. This allows us to begin that play-date after we have had our discussion and the house and playroom are ready. I usually give the other mom and range of when we will arrive, for example, between 10:30 and 10:45. This gives us a little flexibility. I usually ask the other mom if she would rather come get her child, or would rather have me bring him home. Having the option of taking the friend home also gives you the option of ending the play date early if the children are not getting along. Of course, I have to be sure that the other mom is home.
Make sure the playroom and house is in order: Playing in a mess is no fun and can lead to quick tempers. Everyone gets along so much better when we can actually see the floor, when the Hot Wheels are all in one place, the Legos are in the Logo box, and the train set is properly put together. Adam also gets upset when he decides he wants to play with a specific thing, but can’t find it. This even applies to microscopic game pieces and Batman accessories. Requiring everything to be in order, also has the added advantage of helping to keep things organized even when friends aren’t over.
Lunch Time: I like to have Adam’s friends over through lunch time. A meal helps break up playtime and a snack almost always improves little attitudes. It also provides a great diversion should any argument arise. If I happen to notice a disagreement, saying, “Who is hungry” or “Who wants a snack?” almost always ends the problem. Suggesting that the boys eat their lunch or snack outside in the Fort also tends to get them interested in outside play, which for some reason, leads to less arguments.
Tattle Tales: I try not to get involved in the kids disagreements because I feel that children really need to learn to work out conflicts for themselves. I do keep my ears wide open though. If I hear a problem getting out of hand I will intervene and help them work out a solution. If one, or both, come to me with a problem I remind them of the rules and tell them to try to work it out themselves first. If they aren’t able to come up with a solution, I will then give them some suggestions. And if one child does something to hurt another, I always expect an apology and the other to forgive him.
Parent Communication: Fortunately, most of Adam’s friend’s parents are also good friends of mine. We all have similar parenting techniques and feel free to share problems with each other. When Adam does have a friend who’s parents I don’t know well, I make an effort to get to know then a little, before asking their child over to play. Getting to know the parents a little just helps me be more comfortable with the play date and dealing with any conflict between the children. By talking to each other, we, the parents, often come up with original and effective solutions to dealing with problems that inevitable arise between our kids. And since parents know their own kids the best, they can usually give another parent the heads up on an issue that might cause a problem and how best to handle it.
I used to really avoid letting Adam have friends over to play because his temper would get out of control so often. I’m also just not what you would call a “kid person”. I don’t understand the way little minds behave, and I probably never will. I can barely find the right way to deal with Adam, must less with another child added to the mix. (Yet, God chose to bless me with two great kids of my own anyway – go figure!). I have come to realize however, that not letting Adam have friends over won’t reach him how to deal with conflicts or the right way to act in social situation. And his behavior has improved greatly through this summer. Actually, in re-reading this, it sounds like he’s the child from he_ _! He is really sweet little boy most of the time, but like many four-year-olds, needs to little help learning how to correctly handle his anger. Most of his friends are really easy going, well-behaved kids. And fortunately Adam usually behaves perfectly at other people’s houses. It’s only when he’s on his own turf, that his anger gets the best of him. I hope these suggestions can help another parent who has a social little spitfire in their own house. And if anyone has any other suggestions so keeping the peace during play dates, I would LOVE to hear them!
NOTE: This is the most appropriate catagory I could find to place this epinion in. If someone knows of a better place to put something dealing with childhood friendships or play dates, please let me know.
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Member: Shelly Loving
Location: Richardson, Texas
Reviews written: 192
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About Me:
I'm a busy SAHM still trying to teach my 6-year-old how to tie his shoes!
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