How do I deal with something that I never wanted?
Apr 30 '00
My now ex-husband filed for divorce on January 13, 1999. We were married on November 24, 1997. You're probably thinking, "That wasn't very long." Yeah, that's what I think too. We went to court on April 18, 2000 and we are now divorced. The extreme amount of time spent was because of a drawn out custody battle (for more info, see my editorial http://www.epinions.com/kifm-review-4D29-2CF80BC-390C1384-prod6).
Our divorce came about because of a bout with depression that I suffered. It went without treatment for a while and we fought nearly every day. He is a very easy-going person who doesn't deal well with these types of conflicts. Anyway, rather than trying to make a go of it, he gave up and left. It took quite some time for me to come to terms with this.
You see, we had been the best of friends for nearly a year before we ever decided to start "seeing" each other. So I lost my best friend as well as my lover. He had also taken over paternal responsibility of my daughter and was seriously considering adopting her. How does one deal with such a loss? Something inside me has died. It isn't as painful as it once was, but it still hurts. Even after all that has happened, I would take him back in a second.
Does that make me a weak person who lives in the past? I don't think so. We had a relationship like no other that I have ever experienced. He is a wonderful dad and a faithful friend. I miss having him to talk to about all the little things that happen daily. I have moved on and am currently dating someone else. I share custody of my son with him, so we deal with each other regularly and, once my son is school-age, our contact with one another will become even more important. Amicable relationships are vital in cases of divorce where children are involved. Will things ever be the way that I wish them to be? Most would say no. I can't answer that question. I have no idea where his head or heart is these days. I can only continue with my life and make the best decisions that I can regarding my children and my relationships. I will not live in the past, but we never know what the future holds.
Divorce is not something that I would wish on anyone. It is extremely stressful, not to mention costly. It is also especially hard on children. As I mentioned, my ex had been an integral part of my daughter's life for 2 years. She no longer even sees him except when he comes to pick our son up. She had a very tough time with this for quite a while. I had no easy answers for her questions. I just remember telling her over and over that none of it was her fault.
My heart still hurts and I imagine that it will for a long time to come. Let me end this editorial with some lyrics from a song that truly expresses the way I feel. Thanks for reading.
(from You Were Meant for Me by Jewel)
Called my momma, she was out for a walk
Consoled a cup of coffee but it didn't wanna talk
Picked up the paper, it was more bad news
More hearts being broken or people being used
Put on my coat in the pouring rain
Saw a movie, it just wasn't the same
'Cause it was happy and I was sad
It made me miss you oh so bad
Dreams last for so long
Even after you're gone
I know that you love me
And soon you will see
You were meant for me
And I was meant for you
Brush my teeth and put the cap back on
I know you hate it when I leave the light on
I pick up a book, turn the sheets down
Take a deep breath and a good look around
Put on my pj's and hop into bed
I'm half alive but I feel mostly dead
I try and tell myself it'll be all right
I just shouldn't think anymore tonight
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Epinions.com ID:
JenN2kids
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Member: Jenni
Location: Reynoldsburg, Ohio
Reviews written: 69
Trusted by: 64 members
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