Mothering Instinct: Myth or Reality? (Part Two of For the Sake of the Children)
Oct 16 '00
This is the second part to my epinion For the Sake of the Children? In addition to discussing the effects of divorce on children it poses questions regarding mothers and children in divorce situations. Questions such as, does the act of becoming divorced threaten women so much that they "lose" their mothering instinct? Do all women have a mothering instinct the minute they give birth? If not present at birth, does it show up later? Does our society "require" women to have such an instinct or they are shunned from society? Can women who have not given birth have a mothering instinct as strong or stronger than women who have given birth?
For the Sake of the Children? discussed whether it would be better for parents to stay together for the sake of the children rather than divorce. This part of the epinion focuses on the actual effects of divorce as I have witnessed them. As I said in For the Sake of the Children, my boyfriend's divorce and the attempted destruction of his young daughter is what has inspired my education in this area, and this topic is what my thesis is about. In addition, through my work as a family law paralegal, I have witnessed the destruction of many children by parents who I believe just don't know any better.
MY CONNECTION
As promised in For the Sake of the Children, here is the personal history. I met my boyfriend via the Internet in January of 1998. This was several months after he and his wife had separated. His daughter was six and the mother had moved out to be with her boyfriend, and left the child with him. She also left her 12 year-old dog in his care. As an animal rescuer, this was a significant issue in my forming an opinion about this woman as much as the fact that she had left her child. My boyfriend and I corresponded for a little over six weeks via email before actually meeting in late February. I did not meet his daughter until two or three weeks into our relationship, although he talked about her incessantly. Even though we both felt that the relationship was serious when we met in February, we wanted to wait until we were absolutely sure before having me meet his daughter. I thought this was very responsible.
When I met him, the child's mother did not spend more than one over night per week with her daughter. Each day she worked from 6:00 p.m. until 10:00 p.m., yet the child stayed in the school's extended day program until 5:30 p.m. She was in Kindergarten so she was in extended day for a long time. She would pick the child up from the school's extended day care program and take her to work with her, and my boyfriend would pick her up from there when he got off work at 6:30. I never asked why the child was put in extended day care until 5:30 p.m. every day when her mother was home all day, every day. Didn't figure it was any of my business.
As it turned out, I didn't need to ask, the answer became clear to me as I got to know this mother better. As you can tell, this mother spent very little time with her child, and to my knowledge did not call her in the evenings to see how she was doing. It was difficult for my boyfriend and I to see each other because of this. Once I met the child, the only way we saw each other was if we did something with the child. As a childless person, it was very difficult to "settle" for being number two in his life, but as the situation unfolded, my heart went out to this little girl. My boyfriend is a very good father and I certainly respected and appreciated his position. Had I wanted to have children, I would have had them with him.
MY HEART GOES OUT TO A LITTLE GIRL
When I first met him my tolerance for children was at a minimum after having spent eleven years working in retail. To let you know very quickly how bad the situation was, his little girl asked to call me mommy after knowing me only one month. What do you say to a six-year-old child who has asked you such a question? Well, I told her that I was very flattered (I used different six-year old words), but that she already had a Mommy. I did tell her that she and I could be very best friends and that she could think of something else to call me if she wanted to. Over the nearly three years I have known this child she has asked again several times, and on more than one occasion told me she wished I was her mother.
The one thing I have always been sure of, am still sure of, is that I do not want to be this little girl's mother. I have never wanted to put this child in the position of liking me better than her mother because I encouraged her to. I didn't feel this way because I believed I'm not capable of being a good mother, I have always been very good with children and worked as a nanny for a few years. I also believe that I have more of a mothering type personality than her mother does. Some people think that is not possible because I did not give birth. I happen to disagree with this sentiment, but that is one of the questions raised by this editorial.
BEST FRIENDS
What I wanted to be was this little girl's friend. She already had a mother, however bad, and what she needed was someone to help her deal with her feelings about her mother and the things her mother did to her. I did not have a good relationship with my own mother, and I did not want that for this little girl. However, my experiences with my mother have helped her to understand that she is not the only one that has a difficult relationship with her mother and having a difficult mother is better than having no mother.
While many of you may already be deciding that this opinion is biased, it is, but it is biased on the side of the child and other children like her. Had I discovered that my boyfriend was not the best person to have custody of his daughter I would have worked very hard to convince him of that. That said, I will point out that I tried to remain very objective and neutral through his entire divorce process. I succeeded to a point, but the emotional and psychological atrocities this mother inflicted on her child absolutely appalled me. I don't even think I could convey to you the things that this child went through if I wrote a whole book about it. I wasn't about to take my boyfriend's word on things with regards to the child's mother without having witnessed it myself, or at least as much as possible. I am very rebellious and independent and quite able to make my own decisions, regarding people, especially since I majored in psychology. However, I did listen to what he told me.
I couldn't believe the things he told me, the things this woman would say to him about her daughter. I kept saying things like, No mother could do those things, no mother could truly feel that way, and deep down she must really want her child, etc. I kept defending this woman to my boyfriend, making the poor man feel as though he was not doing enough to try to work things out between them so as to avoid the emotional hardships on his daughter. I would help him come up with new settlement offers that had worked in my office and that I hoped would end the divorce and save the child from the abuse her mother was heaping on her.
THERE HAD TO BE A REASON
I kept thinking that she had to have her reasons for having the child stay in seven different homes in a 10-day period, there had to be something we didn't know. We found out that the reason was because her attorney told her that she had to make it appear as though the child stayed with her more, otherwise my boyfriend would be viewed as the primary care giver and be awarded custody. Here is where society enters into the picture. Why is it so bad for a women who is a mother to allow a responsible, caring father, who has clearly been the child's primary care giver to have custody of the child without making the mother feel like she is no longer accepted into society. Some of these mothers lose their friends, because their friends think there is something wrong with them, or if the court awards custody to the dad, then the mother "lost" custody, which is even worse.
This women tried to put her reasons into words to me directly, kept asking me what I thought of her parenting skills. Because I wanted to remain neutral, I never responded exactly truthfully, perhaps that was wrong, but I certainly didn't think it was "proper" of me to be giving her advice when she had already screamed at the top of her lungs to my boyfriend, "Don't tell me how to raise my daughter!", when he asked her to give the child a bath and brush her hair. Her daughter, not our daughter.
But all of her reasons or explanations were mere words, and what speaks louder than words are actions. Actions such as taking the child swimming in the hot Florida sun and not putting sun screen on her because she thinks she would look "cute" with a tan. It certainly does not take long for your opinion to change when the victim is a small child. A child that looks to her mother for love, comfort, support and responsibility, and instead found, lies, betrayal, secrets, manipulations and danger. Yes, danger, not physical abuse, but just not paying attention to what the child is doing and allowing her to get hurt.
What are the consequences of these actions? Did these behaviors have an effect on this child and her relationship with her mother? Is there hope for children in this divorce prone age? Parts two and three of this editorial will attempt to answer these many disturbing questions.
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friskykitty
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Location: Orlando, Florida
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