Talk Less!
May 08 '00
I always wanted to be one of those moms who never raises her voice, never loses patience. On the good days, I am that kind of Mom until sometime after breakfast when the day's errands come crowding in, and not one of us is dressed or even remotely ready to leave the house. I have to wonder, in self-defense, is it really me? Or do my children, young as they are, know me so precisely already that they routinely push me over the edge on a whim?
I am a self-diagnosed mildly depressed person. I have no ambition for most things outside of keeping the family well fed and in clean clothes. So it's either depression or I'm just lazy, and saying "mildly depressed" is so much more socially acceptable. It could also be sleep-deprivation that places me in a haze so often, that feeling of swimming through molasses. (I can't blame the lack of sleep on my cherubs, though, as they are both thankfully world-class sleepers.) Or maybe it's just that I'm the full-time mother of a three-year-old boy and an eighteen-month-old girl? For whatever reason, I often have the sensation of being on the edge of overwhelmed, which settles in the form of apathy like a mantle around my shoulders.
Not surprisingly, this chronic lethargy is often accompanied by a very short fuse. Sometimes I think my three-year-old acts deliberately to tick me off, and sometimes I just think were fundamentally incompatible. Everything I say to him is completely incomprehensible to him, and everything he does is irritating to me. Of course, it could just be that we're in the process of potty training. Like nearly all things related to child development, I'm sure this is a phase. I only wish I had a clue how long this particular phase was going to last, because my stamina is wearing thin. I pray daily for patience but what I really need is a new way of dealing with this situation. First things first though: I really need to understand what's causing this problem, and then think about ways to make it better.
Here is what I have come up with: I talk too much. It's not just my son's attention that wanders, either. His eyes start shifting the moment I open my mouth. If I drone on too long, he'll drift off entirely to the other side of the room. I see this happening, but for some reason I keep talking. It's as if somehow the embarrassment of interrupting my little speech outweighs the embarrassment of talking to no one.
My new resolution is, Talk Less. Shorter explanations, or sometimes, no explanation at all. If no one is listening, no one should be talking, especially me. So far I'm good at follow-through, doing what I'll say I'm going to do, "if." But sometimes I know my son feels ambushed, because he wasn't listening and missed the "if you... then I'll..." statement entirely. I figure if I put less padding around those promises, they have a better chance of being heard. I have this recurring image of my voice flowing like water between his two ears, leaving absolutely no impression on his brain whatsoever.
This resolution deals with quality as well as quantity: No more sniping, carping, or yelling. Whenever I resort to this behavior, I know I'm setting a bad example. I'm forever telling my son, "whining is very unpleasant to listen to, please stop." I'm amazed he hasn't said the same thing back to me! I have to monitor myself closely on this, though -- my tendency is to blurt out whatever I feel without thinking. You know, direct from the gut reaction to the mouth with no mental intervention whatsoever.
So, I've started using a breathing technique to help me pause, and physically give myself the time to consider how to respond. It's a variation on a sigh: a slightly forced exhale. Even though it's inaudible and very quick, the act of exhaling is symbolic of blowing out the tensions and any negativity. That half-second pause can be enough to remind me not to raise my voice. In fact, pitching my voice lower seems to get much better results.
Finally, I realize I have to overcome my inherent laziness and act more. My children are very young and the concept of "Now" is extremely fluid to them. If I ask my son to put his shoes on and he's still chasing his sister around the kitchen island, I've got to intercept him, sit him down, and hand him his shoes. There's absolutely no point in repeating myself more than once or twice. That's what started this whole cycle in the first place.
In addition to my concerns about my son, I'm extremely wary of the idea that my daughter is already learning how to ignore me. The big upside of learning to deal with this now is that it will automatically apply for my daughter as she grows. Hopefully she'll never reach this purposefully annoying stage her brother's in, where selective hearing rules the day.
Like all self-improvement programs, this particular plan sounds great on paper but I know it's not going to be easy to implement. I'll need constant reminders and I know I'll backslide. There will be days when no one is listening but I'll still be talking. Already I have seen some promising results with the new methods, in spite of how awkward I felt my first full day.
Hopefully these tasks will become habits: talking less, speaking gently, and acting more. After all, nagging and yelling really are unpleasant for everyone; they convey so much disrespect. How can I expect my children to respect me, if they have no model to follow?
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Epinions.com ID:
QuietI
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Member: Joan Hedman
Location: Chandler, AZ
Reviews written: 89
Trusted by: 70 members
About Me:
Busy. Life. You know.
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