Surviving The Kitchen For The Recently Bachelored (AKA The Undiscovered Country)
Nov 17 '00
I’ve noticed that since recently becoming single again,I have had to adjust my life somewhat. There is nothing nicer to have in your kitchen than a beautiful woman, half-nekkid, fixing you a Sammich! Don’t laugh, that happens to be the secret to make any man content. Yep, try making him a giant Sammich in the buff, and make sure he sees you do it. I can GARONE-TEE that afterwards, you can ask him for anything and you’ll get it. I can’t explain it, but there is something special about a nekkid woman holding a Sammich. It’s one of the universe’s mysteries. But just in case you fella’s don’t have any spare babes or luncheon loaf around the house, I think I’ve got a definite list of things you’ll need as one of those single, hairy-chested, Gods-gift-to-women, millennium man you’re claiming to be. Check out my list and if you’re lacking, dash down to the store and pick up the necessities. Take it from my experience, get this stuff now so you don’t have to figure it out after you’re missing a finger or burn down the house. You will need:
#1: A Well Packed First Aid Kit
This ain’t the garage or under the hood of your pickup. There are knives, forks, open flame, and cupboard doors. So make sure when you chop that finger in half while trying to make your own Sammich, you don’t jump up and hit your bald spot on the open cupboard. Be sure to stay away from any open flames too. Just treat the stove like the propane torch in the shed. And guys, don’t use your fork as a toothpick. Next thing you know that $500 filling will be laying on the table and you’ll be screaming for Anbesol, which by the way should be in the bathroom medicine cabinet, not the fridge!
#2: Real Food Items
Budweiser, corn chips, and Hot Pockets do not qualify as real food. If you ever want to catch a lady, you’re gonna have to go to a place where they sell the real stuff. It is a magical place called the supermarket. There you can find all those items you love to eat yet never knew exactly what to call it. Things like Stew, Pancakes, and even full gallons of milk. A way to find out if your ok to have a lady open your fridge is to complete a quick test. First, go over to the fridge and open the door. If it smells real bad, you fail. If it is completely empty except for beer, you fail. And finally, if there is any food item that is unidentifiable or if you store anything that is not a food item in the fridge, you FAIL!
#3: A Can Opener & Microwave
These two remarkable inventions were made to keep you from sawing off the top of a can of beans and catching your chest hair on fire in front of the stove. Remember though, microwaves have mysterious magical powers that will turn against you if you place the can of beans inside. Microwaves hate metal, so make sure you empty the can into a bowl and never leave the fork inside either.
#4: Paper Plates, Paper Towels & A Big Bottle Of Soap
These items will help you from starting any science projects in the sink. Try to keep the sink free of debris and small insects that want to share your dinner. There is nothing worse than biting into something crunchy while enjoying that pudding you just whipped up. Try to keep some soap around for cleaning up any cups you might dirty. That’s right men, you will actually have to wash a plate. I recommend buying some extra-large yellow rubber gloves. These will keep you from getting dishpan hands. Trust me, the guys at the club will torture you if they notice your wrinkled mitts.
#5: A List Of Emergency Telephone Numbers
Check your phone book for numbers to the following agencies, departments, or homes:
Fire Department: Usually 911. This comes in handy when you forget about the clothes you were drying in the oven.
Poison Control Center: When you wake up at 3 AM really thirsty and forgot you put the Pine Sol in the fridge.
Pizza Place That Delivers: Trust me, you’ll own stock in Pizza Hut by this time next year.
Mom’s House: For special occasions like when you forget to go to your new hangout, the supermarket.
This has been a public service announcement for men without a clue. Feel free to print this announcement and place it on your fridge. It may save an unsuspecting fellows life.
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