Handling the nosiest questions
Jul 27 '00 (Updated Aug 12 '01)
The Bottom Line Think and decide what to tell people about adoptions in your family. How will your teen child feel when they find out what others know about them?
"Was the birthmother young?" "Were the birthparents on drugs?" "Couldn't you have your own children?"
The part of adoption that surprised my family most has to be the questions that others feel free to ask. Something about adoption releases inhibitions of the most casual acquaintance and the flood gates open. The questions are personal and seemingly endless. At times, it feels like an inquisition. Had our adoption agency, counselor, and our extensive reading not prepared us, I think we would have made many mistakes in answering these queries.
Before I share what we learned about this issue, some info on my background is probably called for. I had always known I would adopt. I talked about it with my husband before we were married. He had also always felt that adoption was a good way to build a family. I was lucky to find a partner who felt the same way I did.
We entered the adoption world by foster parenting a teen. When we decided to pursue adoption of a young child, we did a lot of research. We chose a non-profit agency that had ethics as it's number one, number two, and number three priorities. They didn't have a goal of finding a child for our family. Instead, the emphasis was on finding great families for the children they served. It may seem a subtle shift in thinking but for us, it was a necessary one.
The required agency training covered many subjects. I almost tuned out when the counselor asked us what we planned to tell others about the adoption. Of course our child would know about the adoption. No secrets in this family. No reason for it - next subject please.
Oops - that wasn't what she was asking. She pointed us to a book, "The Open Adoption Experience", by Lois Ruskai Melina and Sharon Kaplan Roszia, which is excellent for many reasons. There is a section in the book which asks adults to consider that the circumstances and information surrounding the adoption actually belong to the adopted child. Hmm... Something worth thinking about.
I considered how it felt when others talked about me behind my back or when I was present but not acknowledged. My boss talking to co-workers about deficiencies in my work without informing me first? Wouldn't feel good...
My husband and I discussed this issue and came to a mutual agreement. We decided to hold most of the circumstances surrounding the adoption private until they are shared with our child first. Then it will be her/his decision to share or not. This only seemed fair. What if the circumstances aren't a rosy positive story? Potential adoptive parents need to consider that there may be criminal matters, rape, drugs or other negative factors involved in adoptions.
We made this choice three years ago and the questions continue. Not all of our family and friends understand why we are holding out. What matters is that we are comfortable with our decision and glad we made it consciously before bits and pieces of our story were shared. I say "our story" because we have a son who joined us almost 3 years ago! I look forward to sharing all of his story with him at developmental milestones that seem appropriate.
(NOTE: As a precaution, our estate attorney has all the details in case we aren't here to pass them along.)
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
Epinions.com ID:
nwinston
|
 - Top 500 |
|
Location: US
Reviews written: 272
Trusted by: 239 members
About Me:
Loving my boys and the summer weather in Oregon!
|
|
|
© 1999-2009 Shopping.com, Inc.