So...Your Friends are Divorcing?
Oct 10 '00
I come from a divorced family. My parents separated when I was only five. Although my parents were divorced, they both remained a strong influence in my life. They never talked bad about one another, NEVER! And they appeared to be civil to one another. For a long time, I always wondered why they were divorced. It wasn't until I was older and married myself did I learn the exact reasons. My parents were wise in leaving me ignorant as to why they were divorced.
So many years later and I am now dealing with a divorce. Not my own, but my friends are getting divorced. It seems as if I am surrounded by people that are getting divorced. Last month, one of my best friends had her divorce finalized and now I am dealing with another friend getting a divorce.
I have been happily married for eighteen years. I am not saying that we have not had our fights, but the good times definitely have outweighed the bad times. So, I can say I have been happily married to my wonderful husband for eighteen years. What I am trying to say is, it is so hard seeing people go through a divorce.
From an outsiders view looking in, it seems the hardest thing about a divorce is how it affects the children. I am seeing the children in one of my friends divorce being used as pawns in their parents battles.
Children and Divorce:
Both of my friends have children. It is so hard to see what some of the parents do to their children during these rough times. One parent will say bad things about Mom, for example: what she did in the past, how Mom is not a nice person, how she is mean! I do not feel that a 6 year old needs to hear these things. The poor child loves his mother and his father and he does not need one or the other parent trying to make the other out to be horrible.
I feel that parents should try and leave the children out of their problems as much as possible. A young child does not need to know what problems caused Dad to not live in the house anymore. The child doesn't need to know why Dad can't buy a lot of toys for them, why money is so tight. A young child DOES NOT need to hear their parents calling each other names.
I get sick to my stomach each time my friend calls me and tells me some of the things her soon to be ex-husband is doing. After two months of separation he is living with someone else and exposing the children to a new relationship. The children are on an emotional roller coaster asking Mom: Why does Daddy have a new girlfriend? I know there are two sides to every story but it appears he is doing anything and everything to hurt his soon to be ex-wife. As a result of this he is hurting HIS children.
Not Getting Involved:
My husband and I have told ourselves over and over we will not get in the middle of the divorce. It is very hard to sit on the sidelines and watch all of the pain inflicted on my friend. I let her know over and over that I am their for her whenever she needs me. It took her awhile to confide in me but she now knows she has someone who will listen to her. I do not speak bad about her soon to be ex-husband to her. I do not like what he has done or is doing, but I do not want to add fuel to the fire. My husband was friends with her husband, but now her husband wants nothing to do with anyone.
Support for them = Support for the Children:
I know my friend's children are seeing the stress and turmoil in the family. I have found that the more I support my friend, the more support the children are getting. With mom less stressed, the children are getting more attention when they really need it. She has called me or stopped by and we have talked, this has allowed her to get a lot off her mind. This has enabled her to effectively deal with some of her problems and to concentrate more on her children.
Getting over the shock:
When this all began my husband and I were shocked. We thought our friends had the "perfect" marriage. They never argued, always appeared happy, and portrayed this to everyone. After the split we heard horror story after horror story. I made it a point to not act shocked and to let my friend speak her mind when she opened up to me. This allowed her to vent her frustrations and confide in me.
Divorce is usually a nasty, nasty situation. I feel friends should be as supportive as possible for the children involved. A little understanding for mom and dad will help the children a great deal.
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BryRrose
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Location: California
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