If you ignore them, they're supposed to stop, right? RIGHT?
Jun 04 '00
The standard advice for dealing with temper tantrums is to ignore them. The child will learn he gains nothing by screaming and yelling, and he'll quickly learn not to do it. Children are nothing if not practical: if something works, they'll keep at it. If the present tactic isn't getting the desired results, they'll switch gears until they find something that does.
But what about the kid who, when you ignore him, keeps screaming and yelling, crying and throwing things? Does your child do this? Have you ever seen it happen with friends and their child? How about to a besieged mom at the grocery store?
Well, it has happened to me. My son, all alone, up in his room "until he feels better," is fully capable of carrying on for an hour, even an hour-and-a-half, with no audience in sight. When he was younger, I used to put him in a play-yard in the family room for minor infractions. All he had to do to come out was nicely ask, "Out?" He did that sometimes. Other times, though, he would pace and rage and holler at the top of his lungs, crying most piteously, sometimes for an hour or more. I agonized, but I knew the best way to treat tantrums was to ignore them... right?
I used to think it was something I was doing. God bless my mother and my in-laws, because all three of them have said something to me like, "Wow, he's unbelievable. I've never seen a kid carry on like that when he knows you're not going to give in." Because that's just it, you see: I never give in to tantrums. I couldn't figure out why my son, really a very bright kid, would keep behaving this way when it never produced any results.
Over the years, through trial and error I learned how to avert my son's tantrums and avoid as much as possible the whole screaming-for-an-hour debacle. (See my previous epinion, "Never ignore a crying child.") But fairly recently, in the last few months or so, I stumbled across some information that has really enlightened me as to why my son behaves this way:
He's a spirited child, also called in some circles a difficult child.
I heard about this concept in another online forum, and off to the bookstore I took myself (leaving the kids with their dad, lucky me) to see if I could find something on the topic. There were a number of books, and I briefly looked through them all, reading snatches here and there, before I made my purchasing decision: The Difficult Child by Stanley Turecki, MD with Leslie Tonner.
This isn't a book review, so I'm not going into any great depth here about the book itself. Turecki lays out a description of the many ways in which a child can be "difficult": high activity level, impulsivity, distractibility, high intensity, irregularity, negative persistence, low sensory threshold, initial withdrawal, poor adaptability, and negative mood. Turecki gives detailed descriptions of each of these areas so you can assess whether your child falls within the "normal" range of behavior.
What I found was that my son is somewhat high intensity, but that he has an extreme amount of negative persistence, with moderately difficult levels of low sensory threshold, initial withdrawal, and poor adaptability. Basically, he's extremely resistant to any change, and when he goes on a crying or arguing jag, it's nearly impossible to get him out of it.
Faced with a three-year-old who behaves this way, I would sometimes believe that he was doing it on purpose to torture me. Turecki puts things back into perspective: these traits are aspects of my child, part of his temperament. He can no more change these aspects of himself (at age 3) than he can change the color of his eyes. Yes, these are behavioral traits and they can be modified (God help us all, otherwise), but basically, he literally can't help it when he acts up like that.
Just understanding that much was a tremendous relief to me!
OK, so now I had a handle on why, but what could I do about it? Turecki to the rescue once again. The second part of the book outlines a very practical coping strategy, and ways for parents to circumvent the worst behavior, and minimize it when it does occur.
Tantrum Prevention
For children with poor adaptability, it is essential to give them plenty of warning before any kind of change in activity. That means at least two warnings about dinner being ready soon, or daily reminders about an upcoming weekend trip, starting about four or five days beforehand. Kids like this not only don't like surprises, they are positively frightened by them. A sure way to trigger an outburst in a resistant-to-change child is to say, "Time to go, NOW!"
Discipline must be applied the same way for pre-schoolers. Give a warning first, but only one -- and then follow through immediately. But acting without warning isn't fair to 3 or 4 year olds who, while they may know the rules, can't often control themselves without gentle reminders. But one reminder only, otherwise nagging becomes a habit, and it's completely ineffective. (See "Talk Less!", my opus on the evils of nagging.)
Tantrum Tamers
When a tantrum strikes, despite best efforts? The negative persistence may make it hard for them to calm down on their own. Turecki recommends taking 5 to 10 seconds to assess what kind of tantrum you're seeing. If the tantrum is manipulative, you are to be "strict and firm", letting the child see you're not going to relent. It's best to reassert your "No," and then move quickly to suggest another activity or change of scene to help the child get over it. If the child is in control of himself, try ignoring him. But if the child is out of control, and the tantrum is temperamental, he is going to need your help to get out of it. In these cases, you should be "kind and sympathetic," telling him, "I know this is hard for you, I'm here." Hugging the child during this kind of tantrum can help to bring it to a close faster in some cases.
You have to be observant, though, because sometimes a manipulative tantrum can segue directly into a temperamental one. It's important to nip those manipulative tantrums in the bud for that very reason; distraction is a good way to do that. But if the child does literally "lose it," that doesn't mean you cave in immediately -- not at all. It does mean that it's OK to offer sympathy ("You're so upset, let Mommy give you a hug,") instead of ignoring the child. I learned from experience that if I left my son to "cry it out," there were times when he'd never get there. With my help, though, we could limit the upset to 10 or 15 minutes.
If a tantrum ever occurs in a public place, Turecki agrees with everyone else: the best advice in all circumstances is to get out of there as quickly as possible. Remove yourselves from the public eye and go back to your car or a more private space until it subsides, or if it's extreme, just abandon whatever your mission was and go home. Sometimes this is very difficult, but children quickly learn that carrying on in public isn't going to gain them anything. In my case, once was enough to get the message across!
Lasting Results
I hope you can imagine how much peace this knowledge has brought me. I understand my son so much better now, and I have an entire arsenal of techniques and suggestions to use for handling all his "difficulties." I sincerely wish that I had learned of this evaluation years ago, because looking back I can see manifestations of my son's temperament beginning in infancy. I regret all those hours he spent crying alone, ignored, because I didn't understand how to help him and followed the conventional wisdom.
With the knowledge and techniques I learned from this book, tantrums rarely occur here anymore, and when they do, I don't feel powerless to stop them. But what's more, I am more confident I can help my son grow up to be a responsible, capable adult, and that is my most important job as a parent.
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QuietI
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Member: Joan Hedman
Location: Chandler, AZ
Reviews written: 89
Trusted by: 70 members
About Me:
Busy. Life. You know.
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