Who's in charge?
Jun 13 '00
I'm a mom... therefore I am entitled to dish out all kinds of unsolicited advice <g>.
Actually, most of the things I learned were learned the hard way... by messing up time after time until I finally figure something out.
Sometimes I figure things out on my own, sometimes I figure things out because someone gave me advice, and sometimes I read something somewhere and it makes sense.
Here's my bit of advice on "who's in charge?".
I was in a department store once, in the toy section, and I overheard a mom say something to her whiny child that shocked me. The child was fussing because he wanted a certain toy. The mom said, "We're not buying that toy; it's broken."
Okay, maybe I'm just TOO straight-laced, but really, I see no reason to lie to a child in this circumstance. There may be times in life where lying to a child has its place, but to me... this isn't it.
What this situation says to me is: the child is in charge. What would make a parent afraid to say to a child: "We're not buying that toy now. We are going to the checkout line and I want the fussing to stop."
It may seem to some that this isn't a big deal (and why is Laura getting so worked up again about the littlest things?), but the point is: If the child thinks you're not buying the toy because it's broken, you've not at all given him the (truthful) idea that he didn't get the toy because you didn't want to buy it. Which might be synonymous in his mind with, "Mom would have bought the toy for me if it weren't broken, and she'll probably buy the next one for me, and it seems like if I fuss I get what I want so I'll just continue to do that."
So let your children know, when they don't get something, that that's how it is. And don't feel the need to constantly justify your reasons for not buying things either.
I think that in the long run a child would end up with more respect for a parent who just said, "No, we're not buying that toy today" than one who said, "That toy is broken." Whether or not a child knows every instant if we're lying to them or not, I'm sure they would eventually figure something out... after all, not ALL the toys can be broken <g>. Once he figures that out, how's he going to trust you again?
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Lighthouse
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Location: Oakland, CA
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Jewelry designer, author, researcher, multi-media artist, photographer, journalist, musician
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