Foster Parenting and the Prospect of Adoption
Jun 26 '00 (Updated Jul 03 '00)
Warning, a ranting, crazy heartbroken foster parent with a splitting headache writing this review about the ups and downs of being a foster parent/adoptive parent.
The information here is true, but the names are changed to protect the innocent and conserve confidentiality.
I've been a foster parent for eight years now and I've had over 35 children placed in my home. In the beginning, my husband and I had parenting training, sexual abuse awareness and behavior management training. But you NEVER get training for handling a broken heart. You are taught and instructed to treat your foster children the same as your own, to include them in the family holidays, family vacations, and everything family. That is stressed and expected.
Our first child was Kerri (not her real name) She was a beautiful 5 year old girl that had been dumped off and abandoned at a friends house by her mother. The friend ran a business and "gave" the child to one of their customers. We opened our home and our heart to her. She didn't trust women, (wonder why) so I had to work hard to gain her trust. I said EXACTLY what I meant, and meant EXACTLY what I said. Child welfare terminated her mother's rights and over the course of 9 months she had bonded with us , and we had bonded with her. She was our first foster child, and we hadn't became foster parents to "shop" around for another child, so my husband and I never spoke to each other about the option of trying to adopt her.
When a parents rights are terminated, the parent has six months to appeal the courts decision. Her birth mother came back and filed an appeal six months and 15 days later. We were so distraught of the thought of her returning home. Her case worker asked us several weeks before the court date if we would consider adopting her. After finding out that we both had thought about it, just hadn't spoken it to each other, we happily called him to tell him YES!
I attended the first court proceedings of my entire life. The child's mother and attorney was telling the judge that she had been in a drug treatment program and had never gotten any notification of termination. She had "left" her daughter with trusted friends and they just gave her daughter away. Now I had never heard a lawyer talk his magic and I just knew then and there that the court was going to tell me to go back home and bring this lady back her child. The case worker had his turn to explain to the court that Kerri had been in twelve different homes in her life, and she had been in our foster home for twelve months. She had bonded with us and we were eager to adopt her. The judge made his ruling and denied the mothers appeal. Her lawyer informed the court very strongly that he would again appeal.
Then the turn about. The case worker walked me out to my vehicle and told me that "you realize that if you adopt Kerri, you will be responsible for the future lawyers fees." And he proceeded to tell me that as long as the mother has the money to appeal, she can continue to do this. Now I was shocked that this could be happening. Could it really be that WE would be responsible to pay the fees when it was DHS that terminated the rights? We had been so excited about the prospect of adding her to our family, we loved her so much and she was a perfect fit. I told him to go ahead with the application process.
To continue the entire story, it would take chapters, so I will sum it up in saying that we were persuaded to allow Kerri to be adopted by another family that had more money. (Much more to this, but I don't have the time to elaborate).
We were heartbroken and it was the most difficult decision that I have ever had to make in my entire life! After she was moved to her new home, it was like a death in the family. My husband nearly ended up having a nervous breakdown.
That story happened over seven years ago, and since then we have been always been very careful about opening the adoption door. Just once was that door opened and we finalized Tammy's (not her real name) adoption last summer.
In November 98 a 10 year old girl was placed in our home. Her name is Jennifer. (not her real name) Her parents were in jail for drug use and in my state there is a new law that says that if a child is in DHS custody for 18 months out of 21 months that they should terminate the parents' rights.
When parents first loose custody of their children, a treatment plan is made. They must complete this with in the 18 months. Jennifer's father was in jail from about 11-98 to 2-99 and the was out for three months. During that time he didn't complete his treatment plan before being incarcerated again for possession of stolen merchandise.
The mother's rights were terminated in Dec. 99 and the father's rights were scheduled to be terminated in Feb. 2000 . In Jan 2000 was Jennifer's permanency planning meeting. That is where a group of person's involved in the child's life decide what permanent plan for her life will be.
My husband and I was asked if we would adopt Jennifer. Going down this rode before, we moved much slower this time. We agreed and opened that door. In Feb. when they were to have the termination herring for the father, he was still incarcerated. He would be released in a couple of weeks, so the case was continued. When the court date finally came, the DA decided to give the father another chance to complete his treatment plan. OK, I see the writing on the wall, but everyone, including the DA and Child's lawyer told me that they were just giving him enough rope to hang himself. Jennifer's counselor thought that would be the case also. The next court date was set for today.
Today, they extended his time to complete his treatment plan for another three months. He has done nearly all of his treatment plan now, and I see the heartache just around the corner. All he has left to do is get a house. He's been approved for housing subsidy.
When a person becomes a foster parent it takes a lot of commitment and diligence as well as a sense of humor and variety. You need to have a strong structured household, but most of all, you have to have a heart of stainless steel. I can't believe that this is happening to us again. I feel guilty in hoping the man doesn't finish his treatment because I know that he loves her. But what is best for Jennifer? I believe that it is us, but I may not even have a chance to say so.
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Epinions.com ID:
fostrmom2mny
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Member: Gerri Mullendore
Location: Choctaw, OK
Reviews written: 84
Trusted by: 49 members
About Me:
I'm a foster mom for children with disabilities. I'm a PROUD American!
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