Bully Or Victim?
Nov 18 '00
Why do children bully? Is this natural behavior or a sign of a much deeper problem? I believe to a certain degree in both answers.
Teasing
Children all engage in this at some point. Teasing can be defined as such statements as "Tommy and Angie sitting in a tree" and "You love Pokeman so much -why don't you marry it". The teased child usually quickly shrugs off the offensive comments and life goes on. I feel no parental influence should be used in these situations. Discuss with your child what was said,how they felt about it, and how to handle the next occurance. As some adults, children can experience one ups manship and this behavior is commonly how they express it.
It is healthy for a child to deal with this type of stress and deal with their feelings. Teasing can be used as a growing experience.
Bullying
Otherwise known as teasing gone horribly wrong. I was once asked "Would you rather have your child be the bully or the bullied?". I was never able to answer. I wouldn't want to see my child go through the extreme emotional pain that goes with being the victim. At the same time I would feel I failed a big job in my parenting skills if my child ever engaged in this cruelty.
Many children that are being bullied never speak of their torment to their parents. They are ashamed. There are many warning signs for parents. Poor or a decline in grades,not wanting to attend school,sleeping in late to avoid the school bus, or a constant need to get out of physical education classes are all good indications something may be wrong.
What Can A Parent Do?
Finding the line to cross between caring for your child and being over protective is a hard. A parents or caregivers first step is to talk to the child when they feel most comfortable. Anything that makes a childs life intolerable enough for any of the above much indicators to occur needs to be dealt with.
The first step is to go to the school privately and discuss the matter with the principal. He/She often knows the bullies and can give you a firm grasp on what you are dealing with. He/She can also provide assistance by keeping an eye open and informing teachers of the problem.
I would also suggest counseling for the child. Psychological abuse is abuse whether committed by a parent or another child. You need to acknowledge to the child that you understand any feelings they may be having are valid. Rage and sorrow are powerful and can consume anyone. Working out these feelings will help the child's emotional life for years to come.
I am going to describe a story to you about a friend of a friends child that happened a few years ago. I debated with myself as to whether to write about it in this epinion. It is a very extreme circumstance but at the same time can happen to anyone. I am going to include it because the story stresses the point that a parent MUST step in a bullying situation.
The Mother and Father of Jimmy* had been divorced for many years. All had a good relationship-no custody battles or open discussions of child support payments because they loved their son and tried their best to protect him from anything that would threaten his self esteem. Years were spent reading to him,boy scouts and soccer games to develop him all around. They did their best for their boy.
Jimmy* excelled in all he did academically-this never wavered. He made his parents proud. Around them, he was outgoing,funny and polite. In fact, around anyone Jimmy* was all these things.
No one could ever suspect the emotional abuse he was suffering on a daily basis from other children. He entered middle school with anticipation for acceptance he never felt. Many elementary schools melt together in our community for middle school and he felt sure he would find a friend. He didn't. He found a more physical form of bullying which is in fact physical abuse. He survived this until his 8th grade term.
Jimmy* got the flu and had to stay home for about a week. During the week he confided to his Mom about the abuse. She assured him they would handle it together-whatever it took to make it stop. She had to run into town to get a few groceries. Upon her return, she found Jimmy* laying on the floor dead from a self inflicted gun shot wound to his head. In his note he said he could not face returning to school.
This boy did not take a gun to school and shoot classmates so the public never got a chance to hear his story. His parents lives are now filled with what could have beens and if only I dids.
If you have a child in your life going through this, I urge you to take this seriously. There is always a solution. We have an obligation to our children for their physical and emotional protection.
If You Are The Parent Of The Bully
You haven't failed your job as a parent although it may feel that way. Receiving the phone call from the school or another child's parents can be a wake up call for both you and your child. Discuss with your bully why exactly they are engaging in this behavior. Ask them how they feel when they bully. It could be self esteem problems or a way of acting out. Narrow down the cause of the behavior without becoming a bully yourself. Let them know the result of this bad behavior is punishment and stick to it. Call your childs school frequently to check their behavior. If the behavior doesn't improve seek counseling for the child. Remember that children are not born cruel. A reason exists and it is your duty as a parent to find out what it is.
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sparklesky
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Member: Melissa
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About Me:
"My heart does not know from logic."
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